I think I killed my mam

[QuestionableMouse]

I'm really not sure how to even write this, to be honest, let alone have the conversation I need to have with my family.

I think I killed my mam.

She had been really unwell for several years after an extended stay in ICU during COVID. She had heart and kidney failure as well as COPD and was on oxygen at home.

She had a fall in Jan and broke her femur. After several days in the hospital her doctor rang me and explained the fracture wasn't healing and they needed to operate. They didn't feel she was well enough to give consent so asked me for permission to go ahead. I literally had about five minutes, on my own, to make the decision.

She survived the operation but died two days later because her body basically couldn't keep going any more.

I know realistically it wasn't my fault and I didn't actually kill her but I'm really struggling with coming to terms with what happened, not least because I was suffering very badly with anxiety and panic attacks and never made it to the hospital to see her before she died. The last time I saw her, she was laying on her bedroom floor in agony and I feel incredibly guilty about it all.

I am going to speak to someone about grief counselling on Tuesday but I just needed to get it off my chest today. It sounds really stupid but I don't think I realized how much it was weighing on me until last night when a character in the audiobook found out she wasn't actually responsible for her husband's death.

💐💐💐💐 If you made it this far!

Bless you @QuestionableMouse - You did not kill your mam. But I well understand your grief and torment. My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly and "what if" and "if only" hold such powers despite the tiny words that they actually are. Your mind goes into overdrive, replaying over and over again every second of what happened and the minutes leading up to it.

That was your mam's time to go. We all have our time. Very sadly, there was nothing that anyone - the medical staff or you - could have done to stop that being her time. You sound like a lovely, caring person who did their absolute best at the absolute worst of times. But I completely understand how you feel. It's horrible and it's not fair.

I hope all goes well on Tuesday. I had support from a local bereavement charity with counselling after my dad died; it genuinely helped.

Look after yourself and take all the time that you need. There are no "shoulds" in grief (the prize comments "you should be happy that your dad is in heaven" and "you should be getting over it by now" having been sent in my direction). It takes as long as it takes. But you didn't kill her. You were a loving person who continues on as a credit to her and her memory. xx 💐

Your mum's health was very poor, even before her fall. The medical team wouldn't have operated of they hadn't thought it absolutely necessary. A pp has explained that there's no way your mum could have mended without that surgery.

You made the only call that you could. Please don't dwell on this. You were right to give permission. It was her only hope. Sadly it didn't work out, but none of that is down to you.

They wouldn't offer the chance of surgery unless there was a chance she woukd survive it. You took the chance based on the fact they thought there was a chance too. You can't hold onto the what if because you did it based on the chance of survival and better life.
I'm sorry you have this weighing so heavily on you.

Please, please don't blame yourself for your mother's death. Frail, elderly people are very prone to falling and breaking their femur and sadly a fair proportion never recover. My 97 year-old MiL had exactly this accident 5 years ago and survived the initial surgery well. She didn't have all your mother's health problems, but her health still started to deteriorate after a couple of weeks of being confined to bed and she died 3 weeks later, basically of old age. You were faced with a very difficult choice at short notice and did the best you possibly could. My sympathy on the loss of your dear mam.

That is a beautiful way to put it, very powerful and true.

Totally this. Plus you did it with a medic and their information. I do think counselling might be helpful as you suggest. But please take it from us that you made a sensible decision and the very fact that you have put yourself out there to ask all of us means that you deeply, deeply care about what happened. You did what most other people would have done.

You couldn't leave her with a fracture, she'd be very disabled and in agony. Realistically living for longer with a fracture would have been much worse. Please stop worrying about this. I'm sorry your mum is gone.

@QuestionableMouse you didn't. You made the best decision possible for your mum. Be kind to yourself, as I'm sure she would want you to be

If you were my dd, I'd want you to relax and do things that make you feel better/that you enjoy x

You did what you did under immense pressure at the time and for the absolute right reasons. Your mam felt for all intents and purposes that her time had come and regardless of what you did or didn’t do, she made her peace with this life. You cannot and should not blame yourself, easier said than done I know. God bless and take care of you x

I'm very sorry for your loss @QuestionableMouse RIP 💜
How do you think your mam would feel about you blaming yourself?
She'd be heartbroken .
Set free and grieve her passing.

Your Mam had been on a downward spiral for sometime. She needed the operation but was too weakened to recover. This is typical of how the elderly die, they get knocked down by some illness or injury and don’t fully recover then have another illness or injury that knocks them down again. My family struggles with my 95 year old dad’s failing health after two recent hospitalizations.
We get him the best care possible but he’ll never be 40 years old again.

I had to be the decision maker for my Dad a few months ago. Including making the decision when to stop treating and start medicating him for end of life. The decisions and what ifs still haunt me, although I suspect the end outcomes would have been the same within a day or two. I chose to keep him medicated and comfortable than wake him up to have a last conversation when I heard he'd been quite agitated and confused on his last waking. Do I wonder if I could have spoken with him one last time? Yes, and I always will.

I have made peace with my choices though because I know they were the best ones I could make in the moment. I think the peace comes as part of the healing. It is good to talk about it. I'm sure you'd never have turned down the operation and the chance to give your lovely Mum that chance at life again if faced with the same choice again. I don't think it can ever be the wrong choice when it's made out of love.

She had been unwell due to a Covid (virus) then had heart and kidney failure and an obstructive lung disease. She broke her leg and needed surgery which she didn’t survive because her body was too weak.

You didn’t kill her Op… she was extremely sick and injured. She was already on her way out and if the surgery hadn’t taken her the leg wouldn’t have healed and infection would have taken her. She was on the path to dying already. You tried to save her but she was too sick at that point.

Im sorry for your loss. But her time was here no matter what decision you made.

You are absolutely no way responsible. She was sick anyway. If she didn't have the operation it wouldn't have been good either. She needed the operation because she wasn't healing. They would have waited for her to be well enough to get consent if they thought that was an option. Obviously they thought that she needed the operation. And you're not a doctor so you followed what they asked you to do and consented. You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry for your loss

Thank you everyone.

I had a great session with a grief counseller on Tuesday and feel a lot better.

I'm so glad to hear that. I hope you have some more sessions planned.

No. You didn't kill your mum. You did what you could and it didn't work out. I am sorry you lost your mum.

My Dad was very unwell and his heart stopped beating in hospital as we rushed him into A&E. They asked me if they should resuscitate him. I said yes and he had 3 miserable days in hospital before he died. I often look back and think I should have said no... but I did what I thought was right at the time.

The medical team wouldn't have recommended the operation if they didn't think it was the right thing for her and you did what you (and they) thought was right at the time.

I am sorry for your loss.

Everyone will tell you what is right. You didn’t kill your Mam. The alternative was immense pain from a broken bone. You had no choice but to give consent. And your Mam had so much else wrong with her. My mother had COPD and I remember how distressed she was when her breathing was difficult. Please take all the help you can with your grief. I recommend The Bereavement journey dot org

It sounds as though COVID and related complications killed your Mum. You made the best decision you could understand enormous pressure. Try to remember your Mum before COVID.

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mum and how ill she was in her last years.

I am glad the grief counselling was helpful.

She had very significant health conditions and a broken femur is a very big injury, She certainly wouldn't have survived if it couldn't be healed, and the hospital would not have offered the option of surgery had it not been her only chance.

You did the best you could possibly have done - but the burden of responsibility is always weighty.