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Original poster

I think I killed my mam

71 replies

QuestionableMouse · 30/08/2026 17:30

I'm really not sure how to even write this, to be honest, let alone have the conversation I need to have with my family.

I think I killed my mam.

She had been really unwell for several years after an extended stay in ICU during COVID. She had heart and kidney failure as well as COPD and was on oxygen at home.

She had a fall in Jan and broke her femur. After several days in the hospital her doctor rang me and explained the fracture wasn't healing and they needed to operate. They didn't feel she was well enough to give consent so asked me for permission to go ahead. I literally had about five minutes, on my own, to make the decision.

She survived the operation but died two days later because her body basically couldn't keep going any more.

I know realistically it wasn't my fault and I didn't actually kill her but I'm really struggling with coming to terms with what happened, not least because I was suffering very badly with anxiety and panic attacks and never made it to the hospital to see her before she died. The last time I saw her, she was laying on her bedroom floor in agony and I feel incredibly guilty about it all.

I am going to speak to someone about grief counselling on Tuesday but I just needed to get it off my chest today. It sounds really stupid but I don't think I realized how much it was weighing on me until last night when a character in the audiobook found out she wasn't actually responsible for her husband's death.

💐💐💐💐 If you made it this far!

OP posts:
BabythenHRT · 30/08/2026 17:32

I think you made the best decision under immense pressure with the information you had available at the time. You did your best it wasn’t your fault ❤️

DontyMon · 30/08/2026 17:34

Bless your heart. If I was your mam, I'd feel very proud of my child, who made a difficult decision for me, and I'd also be thankful that there was no pain. Your mother would want you to be at peace OP- That's the best way to honour her memory. Be as kind to yourself as she would be to you.

Happysnappydays · 30/08/2026 17:35

It's what the medical team caring for your mum thought was best for her.

happhapphappy · 30/08/2026 17:35

Your mother would be so proud of you, as you acted in her best interest. Please don’t feel guilty, you done your best in a very tough situation. Take care of yourself. 💐❤️x

LateAgainJeeves · 30/08/2026 17:36

Big Hug First. You cannot put the clock back, you have done your best in the circumstances. Love the memories of your DM when she was fitter than when she went into hospital. Nothing you have done or said would have made her live longer or without pain. Forgive yourself, hug yourself and love the best memories you have.

lovemetomybones · 30/08/2026 17:36

You need to look at your intention. You made that decision because your intention was to heal your mum. You wanted her better, you weighed up the chances and you went for a decision that at the time could best help your mum. You did everything you could to help her. Don’t be so hard on yourself x

Yewlez · 30/08/2026 17:36

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like the doctors really needed to do this operation and that it was quite urgent, you likely didn't really have any viable choice.

I'm so sorry your mum didn't recover from it. I lost my mum last month and it's so hard, but try to forgive yourself. You made a decision based on medical advice, if you hadn't then your mum might have suggested badly from the fracture and experienced complications due to that.

Be kind to yourself xx

Katalica · 30/08/2026 17:36

Of course you didn’t kill her. You gave her a chance at living!!

I’m sorry you’re struggling to accept her death but it’s the grief that’s making you doubt yourself. Having counselling to help you process it all is a very good idea.

Look after yourself. x

CheeseNPickle3 · 30/08/2026 17:37

Echoing PP here saying be kind to yourself. You absolutely did the best for your mam and, as you say, they needed to operate.

It's not nice for you to have seeing her in pain as your last memory of her, but that will fade over time and the older, happier memories will surface and take over.

sparklyblueberry2 · 30/08/2026 17:38

So sorry to hear this. You obviously made the best decision at that time, unfortunately sometimes it does not work out but I can say that if the drs did not agree with your decision they would have been very very clear that surgery was not an option and therefore treated conservatively. It was a significant injury with risks either way. The outcome may still have been the same, with a history of COPD and being immobile your mum would have been prone to pneumonias etc. As well as the grief counselling, it could help you to speak with one of the drs involved with her care who could explain what happened further but could also reassure you that conservative management also had its risks. I hope you find peace, it’s clear you loved her very much and did what felt right at the time. X

JaninefromEastenders · 30/08/2026 17:39

Sorry for your loss. Your poor mother was very ill and very fragile and this sounds like a mercifully swift ending for her suffering. She would know that you made the decision hoping for a better recovery and a longer life, so theres no question that you wanted to end her life, that's just how it happened.

ProudPearl · 30/08/2026 17:40

You made the best decision you could. You loved and cared for her and I'm sure she knew it. What would you say to a friend in your position? What would your mam say to you now? Be kind to yourself.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 30/08/2026 17:41

If its any help to you, my dad had COPD and heart issues and he broke a hip. The doctor told us at the time that often with traumatic breaks that require surgery, people with breathing and heart problems are a major concern. 1. The anaesthetic required is cause for concern. 2. Lying down flat for extended length of time with COPD and 3. The trauma of an op on a medically vulnerable patient. He said you are dammed if you do operate and dammed if you dont, if the body cant recover from either then the patient could die. The body will shut down the organs one by one.

My dad chose not to operate, we agreed with him and he died 10 days after the fall.

If we had operated there would likely have been a similar outcome.

Its easier said than done but please know your mam is at peace, you made the right choice for her, you gave her a fighting chance and did all you could.

Seelybee · 30/08/2026 17:42

@QuestionableMouse guilt is a huge part of grief, with all the 'what ifs'?
Does this help at all -
The doctors wouldn't have suggested the surgery for someone very unwell unless they thought it was essential rather than optional.
Had you refused, she would probably have been in great pain from the fracture and died anyway from being so unwell.
The surgery at least gave her a chance, probably small, of a worthwhile recovery. The odds were against her as it turned out, but you would have had the guilt anyway had she died without surgery.
Impossible choices but the oitcome was not your fault.
Hope you can get some help with your grief.

Hopefulsalmon · 30/08/2026 17:43

Go easy on yourself -you made the most sensible decision with the facts you had at at the time. Your mam may well have died without the operation, unfortunately everyone's life comes to an end at sometime...no one was to blame in this situation.

Minasama · 30/08/2026 17:43

I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds as if there was no option but to operate.

The operating team will not operate if they are certain that a person will not wake up - we have just had this with a family member (who also has COPD) where an operation has been declined, meaning their diagnosis is terminal.

It sounds as if you did the right thing as you gave her a chance - without the operation she’d have been in terrible pain.

Greybeardy · 30/08/2026 17:44

Having anaesthetised for an awful lot of hip/femur fractures…. A broken femur is a life threatening injury for a large number of patients. It’s also extremely painful. Realistically almost everyone gets surgery even if it’s done as a palliative procedure (to allow pain relief and facilitate nursing care for days-weeks). The fracture was never going to heal itself without surgery. The alternative to surgery is spending weeks-months in bed in pain, with the risk of developing blood clots, pressure sores, pneumonia and having a pretty miserable time. The decision to operate was a medical one and could have been made without discussing it with NoK, but it’s good practice to involve family to get the fullest picture of what a patient would want for themselves. Doing the operation wasn’t the thing that killed her - the injury and her chronic health were the problem. This might all sound rather blunt and dispassionate, but it’s hopefully helpful to know that deciding to do the operation was almost certainly the best way to try and make sure she was as comfortable as possible in the end. Hope that you’re able to find the support that you need.

MeganM3 · 30/08/2026 17:49

Stop it. There is always a risk when operating. But you had to give consent. It wouldn’t have been right to deny her of the treatment aimed at helping her immensely. You are absolutely not to blame and you mustn’t think it. She’d never want that.

pimplebum · 30/08/2026 17:49

really unwell for several years
in ICU during COVID.
She had heart and kidney failure
COPD
on oxygen
fall broke her femur.
fracture wasn't healing needed to operate. her body basically couldn't keep going any more.

THIS is what killed her - saying this v v v kindly get a grip

Onceuponatimethen · 30/08/2026 17:54

Op I am so sorry you lost your mam. You will naturally be deep in grief right now and it is a natural instinct to question if anything else could have been done.

I just wanted to share a personal experience with you. A family member died in her late 30s after a choice was made not to have an operation where there was risk. The only reason I am mentioning this is that the outcome could well have been the same if you didn’t decide for the op to go ahead and then you would have course be second guessing your decision not to go ahead.

I really hope the counsellor can help you work through these feelings and in the meantime please try to be kind to yourself Flowers

Evaka · 30/08/2026 17:56

You poor thing. Of course you didn't kill her, she was incredibly ill and her time had come. She likely would have died either way x

PersephoneParlormaid · 30/08/2026 17:56

They wouldn't have suggested surgery if they didn’t think she could get through it. You took their advice, it’s not on you.

TheUniversalsHere · 30/08/2026 17:57

You did right by your mum. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're the daughter I hope I have. Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug

murasaki · 30/08/2026 17:57

Oh sweetheart, you didn't, you made the best decision at the time under great pressure. Please don't think this. And do get counselling if you think it would help. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Negroniextra · 30/08/2026 17:58

Please don’t do this to yourself. You did the best, for your mum, in the moment. I am a nurse and once you break a hip at a certain age, it really is the start of a deterioration, I have seen it so much. This wasn’t your fault, please be kind to yourself xx

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