Help 😪

[Thebroomcupboard]

Recently split from my now exdp who i believe was a narcissist (long history of gaslighting, walking on eggshells etc) and together we have 4 dc (10,9,8 and 6 for reference)

Now so far hes had our DC for a total of 8 hours which although is not ideal, I guess its better than nothing!

I am returning to work shortly and have asked him for help with the morning school runs - to be met with the following (and please bear with)

• he is unable to commit to this due to his illness which renders him bedbound each day until lunchtime however if he was still living here he would be able to do this as he could drop them off and come back and go to bed (yes his exact words)
• it is my fault i have ruined his life as he has no where to live/take the DC as i should know how having to be outdoors affects him and his illness is made worse by being outdoors
• it is my fault hes basically living out of his car
• it is my fault i have ruined our DC lives because they were in the home when I asked him to leave
• his MH - also my fault

Now I know I am not perfect, far from it and I have owned and apologised for my mistakes but we seem to continue in this pattern when I appear to be subjected to the full blame for everything with him having 0 accountability and doing the poor me performance

He has form for blaming me for everything that goes wrong in his life (another reason why he is now an ex ) however all I want for our DC is for them to have regular contact- hes been staying with one of his friends this week who live a few streets away from me and has still made 0 effort with the DC

I understand you can't force someone to be a parent but also our DC have gone from seeing him daily until very infrequently and this has had a huge impact on their behaviour and I now feel my MH is on the decline- should I be begging for him to come back so the DC are happy and he can help with school runs etc ?

I really don't know how best to move forward with everything and just wondered if anyone has experienced similar or has any useful nuggets of wisdom?

I guess it’s better than nothing!
Can’t say I’d be encouraging and facilitating someone like your partner to spend more time with his kids.

Even if he does agree to the school run, he will be flaky and constantly let you down.

Arrange an alternative.

Is he paying cms?

£7 a week as he is unable to work due to his illness (he does have an illness however there are times he is well enough to function normally and he decided over the last couple of months to completely stop taking any of his medication)

This is also my concern

Where has he moved to?

How did I know that he’d be reliant on benefits and paying the minimum CMS

He doesn’t sound like he’s in a good place right now and I’d certainly not want my dc spending time in his care. They will be able to establish a lot better relationship with him when he’s better. I know that doesn’t help your work/childcare problem, sorry. Do you have anyone else who could help out?

Believe me there is nothing more i would love than to say no more but then I would just look like im stopping him from seeing the DC and all his flying monkeys would flock to his defence

So forget about him

Who wants to be reliant on a flakey, disinterested, abusive no hoper loser who can only pay £7 towards his 4 children?

not me

I’m not saying stop him

I am saying stop encouraging and actively pursuing

Staying with a family member

Breakfast and after school club and/or other childcare for wraparound. Or if you can work flexibly so pick up hours in the evening after the DC are in bed that allow you to pop out for school runs.

I would assume going forward that he isn't going to help and stop asking. Do it all formally.

Make a life without Mr Flaky, then he can’t mess with your emotions when he lets you down. He’s an ex for a reason.

And there he will remain. He has no prospect to. No earning potential. No nothing.

Move on and upwards

Firstly, is it only drop-off that you need covered or could you do that and he does pickup?

Does he/you have a good relationship with anyone on his side of thr family? Is there anyone who would be able to facilitate him having the children at his house for a couple of hours after school, a couple of days a week?

Honestly… it’s depressing that someone like this has managed to produce 4 children.

Just the drop off , i can manage the rest with after school club

Yes but hes been told (he left for another woman about 5 years ago and then managed to convince me he had changed 🙃) no one will be facilitating that and he will need to make his own arrangements to see them

Op do not rely on this loser lay about

Stop asking him for things. You need to mentally reset. Forget him. He’s not going to help you and will just thrive on making you upset or dependent on him. Find a breakfast club or a childminder. If you can’t find those, rearrange your work hours.

Every time you feel tempted to ask a favour from him or discuss anything, ask yourself what a single mother would do. That’s what you are now and gradually you’ll find you appreciate not being dependent on someone like him.

Thankyou, I needed to hear this

He keeps hampering on about how we are co parenting but it seems I am left to parent 24/7 and he can dip in and out for a couple of hours at a time which will no doubt lesson once DC are back to school

Thankyou

Don’t try to rely on him. You need to find another solution l’m afraid, whatever that might be, sorry. Stop contacting him about ANYTHING and only respond regarding access to his children. Don’t stop him from seeing them but don’t go out of your way to help him either. I would say it is probably not in their interests to see him at the moment as I suspect he will only use them to punish you. I suspect their behaviour will improve the less contact they have with him. No matter what, don’t accept him back.

The less you rely on him or have to communicate with him the better.

You will need to find another solution for school drop off.

I would use a parenting app for comms about the kids.

Why can he not get out of bed before lunchtime?

What is this illness that he has?

As someone divorcing a narcissist, I would be relieved that this is his reaction.

Don’t push it further, use breakfast/after school clubs.