Husband - Porn Addiction, using AI sex chat bots - Can we get through this?

[Welcometomylife88]

Please be kind ❤️

I’m looking for anyone who’s been through this or similar? I found out a couple of years ago that my husband was on swinging sites though didn’t meet anyone but was also using various porn sites and chatting websites. I confronted him, he was embarrassed said he would change. Our sex life is non existent. He never tries it on with me, I feel very unattractive and rejected by him. I never check his phone as to be honest I worry what I’ll come across. We have a life together and a family. I used his phone a couple of months ago for something, he handed me the phone innocently but I by chance came across an app called Chai. I didn’t say anything but had a look further when I had the chance and my heart dropped. He’s been using multiple websites on a daily basis. I confronted him and he admitted it, he couldn’t not I told him everything I had found. He said his family is too important to him and this time he’s going to make a change, it will never happen again. He’s booked to see a therapist who specialises in this area. He’s seen her once but has another appointment next week. I just went on our iPad and saw he had signed up to a site called Secrets which is an AI sex chat role play site. I of course did more digging and he’s signed up to all sorts again. The sad thing is he’s doing when I’m out the house at the gym trying to better myself. I’m so torn what to do. Part of me is saying it’s still the early stages, he needs help, it was never going to just stop overnight. The other part of me wants to run a million miles away and start a new life. What do I do? Please be kind and try and see both sides. I feel like my whole life is falling apart, I’m trying to stay calm and stable ❤️

@Welcometomylife88 you really need to talk to your children. There's a chance he's abused them if he's a paedopile. Which he is from what you've found.

Talk to nspcc, get some advice. This is a hell of a lot to deal with. Can you talk to a friend or family member? You'll need lots of support.

Talk to the police.

Talk to Women's Aid.

Talk to a solicitor.

OP I’m so sorry to read this. Your instincts are screaming at you to leave and I know you can do this. Tell people in real life so you have support and do what you need to in order to stay safe when leaving, I agree he’s a monster and who knows what he is capable of.

I would make a phone call to social services and let them deal with this - what you've said about your husband is very alarming, and it may also be the most effective way of removing him from your lives. They are sadly experienced in situations like this.

How’s it going op?

I’m so very sorry @Welcometomylife88. If it’s any consolation we have a similar experience within the wider family.

I would follow the usual advice on MN for Divorce.

Get as much information on his finances as you can over the weekend.

Speak to the NSPCC for advice on what you’ve found on his phone and how to protect your DD.

Apply for a divorce directly here. You don’t need a Solicitor to complete this for you and all divorces are now no fault so it’s pretty easy to complete.

See a Solicitor specialising in family law and divorce next week about getting the financial order sorted.

I would also be open and honest with everyone about why you are divorcing. He doesn’t deserve your protection and the shame is his to deal with, not yours.

A couple of years later my relative is divorced and happy in a new relationship. Their new partner is completely opposite. Genuinely caring and the love they have for one another is obvious.

And you do have nothing to be ashamed of OP. Paedophiles are very deceitful and manipulative.

I hope you and your DD are both safe today

OP get rid of him.

If you are concerned he might have accessed material involving kids please report him to the police and they will arrest him and check his computer. It will also get him out of the house so you can start your plans to leave him. Tell the police you don't feel safe around him and you are concerned for your own kids and don't want him at home. Screenshot what you have seen as proof to show the police when you report him.

You deserve better than a porn addict with dodgy fantasies who has no respect for you.

His porn habit is more important to him than his family as he knows that his behaviour is likely to cost him his marriage and affect his kids but he chose to carry on.

Speak to a solicitor about divorce proceedings and there are charities that can support you.

Thanks everyone ❤️ I have got a consultation booked with a local family law solicitor.

I’ve spoken to my daughter and feel confident that nothing has happened, thankfully. Thankfully in school they have been taught about things like that and what are private parts, where shouldn’t be touched etc. She is very confident, chatty etc and I do think if something happened she would have said even if it was oh yes I know about this because this happened x,y,z.

My husband has said he feels deeply ashamed, it’s something he is seeking help for and he knows his actions have caused this. He said he thought it was private and never intended for it ever to be known about or transpire into his real world. He accepts and understands that I can’t trust him or what he says and says he hopes in time I would be able to trust him again. I have told him his journey is his journey, it’s not our journey. He does need help and he will have to take the consequences for what he done.

I’ve all the evidence with his email addresses linked to what’s been said, I’ve recorded him in secret 3 times, 2 of which I’m confronting him and the third him admitting what I have found.

He doesn’t know I have this, I feel in a stronger position for having this, one it’s a reminder for myself of what he’s actually like so I don’t step backwards but it’s so we can get out of this awful mess that was my once what I thought a solid and happy marriage, I am sad, I feel I’m mourning the loss of our marriage, our family but I know this is the right choice and I will be able to move forward in time. Thank you again everyone for your support, every comment was a huge help for me x

I have told him his journey is his journey, it’s not our journey.

Beautifully and succinctly put. Good luck on your separate journey with your daughter ❤

You sound lovely. Wishing you all the best for you.

You sound very wise OP and your daughter will have a happy childhood thanks to your decision. And you will have peace of mind, never underestimate the value of that

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful shocking discovery. No wonder you're reeling. The most important thing is keeping your daughter safe and getting him out of the house.

Can you confront him with what you've found and tell him to leave? I would threaten to speak to police about his incest fantasies if he refuses to leave.

I'm glad you've got an appointment booked with a solicitor. Hopefully once you've had advice and got a plan in place you will start to feel stronger. This is hideous but you will get through it. I would also think about some counselling for yourself as this is bound to knock your confidence and trust in your own judgement. None of this is your fault so please don't blame yourself for not knowing what he was really like - these monsters are very good at hiding their true nature. They know that their sick perversions are wholly unacceptable in a civilised society. They keep it well hidden.

You've said your husband works for the emergency services - does his role bring him into contact with vulnerable children or adults? If it does, then it might be an idea to advise his employer about what you've found, particularly in relation to his 'fantasy' about having sex with his own daughter. I'm sorry you're going through this but glad you are strong enough to break away from this utter shit of a man.

You are doing so well OP. I hope you have some IRL support. You will need it.

If there’s likely to be some kind of joint custody agreement you may need to tell someone about the risk he poses to your daughter. I wouldn’t want him having unsupervised contact once we had separated.