Husband - Porn Addiction, using AI sex chat bots - Can we get through this?

[Welcometomylife88]

Please be kind ❤️

I’m looking for anyone who’s been through this or similar? I found out a couple of years ago that my husband was on swinging sites though didn’t meet anyone but was also using various porn sites and chatting websites. I confronted him, he was embarrassed said he would change. Our sex life is non existent. He never tries it on with me, I feel very unattractive and rejected by him. I never check his phone as to be honest I worry what I’ll come across. We have a life together and a family. I used his phone a couple of months ago for something, he handed me the phone innocently but I by chance came across an app called Chai. I didn’t say anything but had a look further when I had the chance and my heart dropped. He’s been using multiple websites on a daily basis. I confronted him and he admitted it, he couldn’t not I told him everything I had found. He said his family is too important to him and this time he’s going to make a change, it will never happen again. He’s booked to see a therapist who specialises in this area. He’s seen her once but has another appointment next week. I just went on our iPad and saw he had signed up to a site called Secrets which is an AI sex chat role play site. I of course did more digging and he’s signed up to all sorts again. The sad thing is he’s doing when I’m out the house at the gym trying to better myself. I’m so torn what to do. Part of me is saying it’s still the early stages, he needs help, it was never going to just stop overnight. The other part of me wants to run a million miles away and start a new life. What do I do? Please be kind and try and see both sides. I feel like my whole life is falling apart, I’m trying to stay calm and stable ❤️

Someone close to me is going through this, it's absolutely heart-breaking. You need to find a specialist support group. Google brings up lots of options, including online groups.

Being the partner of a sex addict destroys you mentally and emotionally. He needs help but he needs to want to recover. His addiction will only drive him into more risky and degrading behaviour.

There's no easy answer re staying together or separating as your child is so young and I don't know whether I would want to co-parent with a SA, but please, don't minimise the effect this is having on you and do reach out for help.

Best of luck.

I’ve told him that and last time was only in May and he was 100% never going to do it again and he said it was the final time as I am and our family is everything to him. But he’s done it again. It’s just so upsetting to know he has this other secret life, it’s also so stupid because they aren’t even real people! AI is potentially going to end my marriage…. I just don’t think it’s normal or acceptable. It wouldn’t bother me so much if he was looking at ‘typical porn’ here and there if we had our own sex life and he made me feel wanted but he’s replacing his relationship with me with a virtual character.

Oh that's pretty grim reading, OP. And that's the life you're living.

You must know that he's got no respect for you. And he's as far from a good man as it gets, just because he's not financially abusing you or physically hitting you doesn't make him a decent person. What he's doing is emotionally abusing you, and you're enabling him to under the guise of his addiction.

Op, if a friend told you her husband was doing this, what advice would you give her?

She tells you that her husband is addicted to porn, has promised to stop but she’s found out that he lied again.
You know that her self esteem is through the floor because they never have sex because of his addiction.
Would you agree that he is a good husband?

It is a painful process. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and be clinical about what is good in the relationship and what isn't. That way you can be clear about what can/needs to be done to rescue it.

It sounds like he is a good provider, participates in house chores, and creates a friction free home environment. However, there seems to be little romantic component.

You are financially secure and worried that you may not be able to continue this standard of living for yourself and child if you were to separate. This is a valid concern - and the answer is that you would have to tighten your belt significantly. However, a tighter belt and a someone that values and desires you will be far more rewarding than the status quo.
He has always been like this. This would need to be a complete character reset as opposed to a relationship reset, and he would have to be absolutely committed to the process for it to be a success. Can he do that?

@Welcometomylife88 He isn't going to change OP. You will waste another decade of your life living in false hope. There's absolutely nothing you can do to make it stop. You can beg him, threaten him, cry, ask him to think of the kids. Nothing will work because this is ultimately more important to him. And I very, very much doubt that all the therapy in the world will work either. I've been through this myself and I strongly urge you to think about your future and your daughter. If you do take my advice, don't tell him until you have a sensible plan in place. That would be a mistake.

Get therapy.

Your aims in therapy should be

• to build up your sense of self. It has been completely lost.
• to acknowledge and then grieve the loss of your dream.
• to envision life free of the sadness you carry.
• to find your anger.
• to find the courage to talk to family and any friends you have about what's going on.

You should find a solicitor with a good reputation in family law and have a consultation.

Edit: do not tell him that you are thinking of divorce. Make your plans. Carry them through.

Thanks everyone for the advice I really appreciate it. Do I say nothing then? Don’t mention it to him at all? I will be financially worse off for it but I think I need to do it, it’s been 2 months since our last big blow up about it, he knew how much he had hurt me. I was thinking too I had even said on Monday how is everything going with not watching the porn / accessing the websites. I said to him too while he’s doing his therapy, I’ll be heartbroken if I find he’s lied again but if he does do something silly at least be honest but he hasn’t, I suppose no one would want to admit it but I’ve been fair. I was thinking maybe I should do the therapy with him but there’s no gain. I doubt he will even be completely honestly with her too. I feel like my world is falling apart :-(

We own the house together, do we each get 50/50?
That depends on what you signed when you bought the house. Find the paperwork. Who put the deposit in, and was it ring-fenced?

Where would I even start?
Book a one off consultation with a solicitor. Mine was £150 for an hour and was very thorough. I came away knowing what I needed to do/find.

Do I talk to him about it or do I make plans to divorce and tell him once I have a plan?
Make your plan first. See a solicitor, start untangling any joint bank accounts etc, declutter the house in readiness for a sale, talk to a mortgage broker to see what you can afford, check out benefits such as childcare help. Look on rightmove to see what is in your budget for your location. Keep tweaking, you might need to move the other side of town, or change school, or a 2 bed terrace.

I found even worse things on his phone lastnight. I can’t even include them in here but they are serious and extreme fantasies that he’s been talking about with this chat bot. It’s awful, absolutely awful and I’m petrified now. I want out, what can I do. I’ve been thinking about it all night.
I want him out of this house, I do not want him near me or our child. I’ve been up all night trying to work out what I can afford or do. My house has approx £300k equity, I work part time I can’t afford a home like this on my own. How would a solicitor view this? Even if we did a 50/50 split I still wouldn’t be able to do it. Can he sign over the equity to me and I buy a house with that, he could move in with his dad? It doesn’t seem fair on his end but given what I’ve since discovered I need this monster out of my house and away from us and I do not want to screw my self over in the process. I do not care what he does or if he has to start again, I don’t want to be anywhere near him

I would tell him it's over and you can't bear to be around him. He'll resist you, but I'd threaten him with spilling his secrets to everyone around him if he doesn't give you space. And mean it.

I did warn you that he would escalate. Please, please, please seek specialist advice from a support group that deals with porn addiction. They will help you make sense of it all.

I'm assuming the material he is addicted to is violent and/or illegal?

You can't force him to move out but you can tell him that you won't lie for him anymore. If you have to get police and social services in to protect you and your child then do so.

I’ve screenshotted everything. I’ve got recordings of him on my phone of me confronting him but I have found even worse since then. He does not know I have recorded him, I had my phone in my hand as though I was just holding it. I haven’t confronted him about the additional things I have found but I will and I will secretly record that too to evidence it. What I have found is absolutely vile. It is via a chat bot and I know he will say it’s just fantasy but he has made reference to father / daughter sex, he has referenced our daughters name as the daughter, he has referred to her as being 18 but amongst that he also said ‘This has been going on for years’! It’s a storyline where he suggests things and the chat bot makes some sort of erotic story from it but he mentioned father daughter sex and specifically mentioned her name and her as an 18 year old. My daughter is 6, she is not 18 but the idea of it absolutely vile, I cannot and will not understand this. There is nothing he can say to me now. The other things I found before that were offensive, he was telling the AI bot that his wife is fat and she looks so much more attractive than his wife and she is so much better than his wife! That was hurtful but nothing in compared to what I have discovered since. I do not want him in this house. I do not care what he says or what his excuses are, I want him away from us. I have his phone, I have access to it all and I will be documenting everything. He’s gone to work today thinking we can talk things through later, he will get help and it’s all just fantasy not real life but he has no idea to the extent of what I have now found. I am lost for words, I feel sick, I feel broken, I cannot recover from this, I don’t care what happens to him out of all of this now. I just want to keep a normal and safe life for me and my child.

Get proof, screenshots if you can bear to, or there's a chance he'll deny it later and call you mad. They quite often turn into someone you don't recognise when confronted with their actions and go for the person accusing them.

Maybe make an appointment with a solicitor without telling him, to help you decide the next steps.

Also get this thread moved to relationships, the wonderful people there can help you through this.

Sending you hugs during this extremely stressful time. You might not believe it now but you will get through this and things will get better, one second, one minute, one day at a time.

Edited - cross posted with your last post, that's horrific, so awful and frightening for you. Hopefully more knowledgeable people will be along to help with practical suggestions.

i just don’t understand how I have married a person like this, I have given everything to him, I have had a child with him. My whole world feels upside down. I have to think of my child and me, I do not care what happens to him. It was betrayal, lying and hurtful just to me previously that was bad enough but this is too much. He will either deny it or say it’s a fantasy, though I don’t know how he justify using her name, it would have been alarming if it was someone else’s name but her name, no way, that is dangerous, I can never trust out him or leave her with him ever again

None of this is your fault OP, you have done nothing wrong. So many women have found themselves in similar situations. Addicts are experts in hiding their addictions and presenting themselves as perfect to the outside world.

It's entirely on him, it's who he is and has always been. He was just better at hiding it in the past. You and your child are the innocent victims of his addiction that got out of control and revealed who he is.

Make sure you get screenshots of your latest findings before he gets a chance to delete them. You might need them down the line to protect your child re access arrangements.

Also get this thread moved to the Relationships board.

I would urge you to try and find an urgent appointment with a solicitor op to get initial advice on next steps. And maybe if you can, take your daughter away for the weekend and say you fancied a break. And while you’re away, get some urgent legal advice. Get some today if possible. What a vile man.

They never stop they just learn to hide it better.

My marriage ended because of my ex's porn addiction. He got up in the middle of the night to watch it in the spare room. After I found out I stuck by him for a while...we were recently married and I felt like I had to! But then it escalated into him secretly filming me with spy cameras. I will say this, porn addicts get worse. What they get kicks from at one point isn't enough the next and it spirals into darker things....as you've now released. Like someone has said, save screenshots and I'd even talk to the police at this stage as it's now involving your child.

Thankfully I didn't have children with my ex, own property or anything that made things complicated. I haven't regretted leaving him for a second. I am now in a very happy, healthy relationship.

Holy Crap.

That escalated. Awful.

A while back OP had this line: I don’t understand why a man would want or need to use things like that when he has a wife who wants to have sex with him!

I have pondered this. A divorced man in my social circle freely admits to some sort of 'bot' use and I have been wondering how widespread this all is.

In answer to the why he might want or need to use these things:

The bot can be deleted and walked away from.

It 'says' things that are transgressive that he would never have the courage to say to your face.

Similarly whatever roleplays or whatever he does can in a pretend way go places and do things you would not.

With his wife he has to interact with someone he can't reboot or delete and can skip the actual physicality.

Now he is crossing more of a taboo line that is truly sickening.

I really have difficulty getting my head around this scene. It is just an app away and presumably is not very expensive. Stay strong OP.

He did he went to saa. Went to group meetings then got a sponser to do 12 steps then got let go from that. We have been married 20 years next year (we got married young) he never goes near me we don't have sex.he says he loves me and he's changed. He's lying I know he's still using or his sponsor wouldn't have let him go. I hate him for lying to me . Apparently it's been since he was 11 years old. Then why not tell me before we got married so I could have made a informed decision. I hate porn always have. I caught him looking at prostitutes. I am a sahm. He convinced me to leave my job. So I'm pretty stuck. If u can get out do it
From experience and all the other women I have spoken to in the same boat. They never change
It's sad but it's true.

Thank you everyone for your support, I’ve needed it and I am really grateful. I don’t feel I can talk to my family or friends about it, not yet. I want to get this all resolved first, I want him out and I want us to be ok out of all of this.

I am heartbroken, I am sickened by it, I feel like I’m in a horrible nightmare. I cannot believe this is my life. I’m at home with my daughter today, we are due to meet with her friends in an hour. I’m going to put on my strong face. I know I can do this, I will not fall into any trap that it was a fantasy or I don’t want to do this in real life. This is the final and biggest red flag. I will not to put my child at risk. I will not fall for his perfect outwardly ways, he is not my soul mate, he is a monster. He is a monster in disguise and I will NOT be part of this life he thinks we have together. I did not sign up to this, I love my child, she’s my whole world but by god I can’t help but feel I wish I’d never had met him. What an absolute mess. I just want to get away from it all and start again and I will.

well done for being strong op, but what actions are you going to take for next steps with getting legal advice etc and ensuring he not left alone with DD?

I'm sorry but your update was awful, it must be a terrible shock. I'd get the police involved to get your DD away from him. He's lied to you for years and you don't actually know what his motives or long game are - but you do know you don't have a normal marriage.