Boyfriend doesn't want me sharing a bed with Bestfriend on trip

[okiedokieokayy]

My best friend of around 8 years (we met at uni) has been living abroad for over two years and is finally coming back to the UK next month. I've been so excited to see her. To mark the occasion and make sure we actually get proper quality time together, we booked a little countryside retreat about 4 hours from where I live. Logistics also played a part, as she's coming from visiting family and then jetting off again, so this was the easiest way to make it work. We've had this trip planned for about four months. She made the booking and I was more than happy for her to sort it.
For context, my friend and I have shared a bed completely platonically loads of times over the years. Drunkenly crashing at uni, travelling together as broke backpackers, visiting each other in different cities. It's just never been a thing. So when she booked the room it genuinely didn't occur to me to ask about the bed situation. I'd have been fine with sharing or a twin, it just wasn't a question that entered my head.
It only came up when I was chatting to my boyfriend of nearly two and a half years about the trip. Not the first conversation we've had about it, like I said I've been excited, but this time the topic of rooms came up. He'd assumed we had separate rooms and when I said no, it's one room with a double, his whole mood changed. He said he wasn't comfortable with me sharing a bed with her. I should mention here that my friend happens to be a lesbian, and he knows this. When I asked why it was suddenly an issue, he said it "just feels different" and that he wouldn't share a bed with someone who could potentially be attracted to him, so he didn't see why I would. I tried to explain that we've shared beds plenty of times before, that she's basically family to me, and that she has never once, in eight years, shown even a hint of interest in me like that. He wasn't having it.
He then asked me to at least check if the hotel had twin rooms. I did check, to keep the peace, and there aren't any available. His response was that I need to book a separate room. It's a lot of money and honestly I'm not sure I can afford it, especially for something I don't think is necessary.
The bit that's really bothering me is that I mentioned it to my friend. I told her what he'd said and after some conversation I floated the idea that maybe I should just book the separate room. She went quiet for a second and then said "erm, yeah, okay, if that's what you think's best." There was a definite tone in her voice, like she was holding something back and trying not to cause drama. And now I feel awful. I can't work out if I'm more upset that my boyfriend doesn't seem to trust my judgement, or worried that she's hurt by the inference, because let's be honest, the implication is that because she's gay she can't be trusted to share a bed with a friend, which feels really unfair on her.
I know some people here will use the "what if she was a guy" or "would you be okay with your boyfriend sharing a bed with a straight female friend" argument, and I get why, but I'm honestly not sure it's the same thing. This is someone I've known for nearly a decade with zero history or hint of anything romantic. I don't know how I feel and I don't know what to do. Do I pay for a room I can't really afford to keep my boyfriend happy, or hold my ground and risk a row? And is it unreasonable of me to feel a bit insulted on my friend's behalf?

I don't think it is pointless me posting though. Because while I get that perspective on sex is out of the ordinary, I don't think my perspective on sharing a bed with someone is that unusual really?

Everyone's saying that the boyfriend is worried about OP having sex with her friend. But surely he knows that's not on the cards. OP isn't gay (or bi unless she's left out something fairly important), so it's not going to happen. So why is everyone assuming it's possible sex he's concerned about, rather than the thing that is actually likely to happen in that bed?

Because her sexuality isn't a relevant point. She's not ops GAY friend who books double rooms. She's ops friends who books double rooms. She not THE GAY friend books to share with, she's the friend op books to share with.

"Straight people don’t fancy every man or woman of the opposite sex they meet, and likewise gay and lesbian people will also not fancy every man or woman of the same sex they meet."

Agreed. Which is why people are saying that the same logic therefore surely applies to a woman and a man sharing a bed. If your partner is not allowed to object to you sharing a bed with a lesbian who doesn't fancy you, then by the same token he's also not allowed to object to you sharing a bed with a man who doesn't fancy you, yes?

I would say you being happy for your DP to sleep around as long as post sex she climbs into a different bed is unusual. That's fine, you do you. But I find it sad you don't see sex as intimate, or special. I sleep in a bed with my mate, we natter just like we do on a sofa then roll over and go to sleep. That's not intimate. It's practical. But having sex with DH is sharing my body with him in a way I haven't shared it with anyone else in around 15 years.
Id be really offended if I was your DP that you placed so little value on our sex life that you'd be happy ducking anyone who came your way

I agree.
I couldn’t tolerate that kind of controlling behaviour from a man. Also, it’s the same viewpoint as that of men who don’t like their partners talking to other men. They see “their” woman as a possession that another man could take if they allow him to be near her, not as a human being with agency who won’t start a relationship with another man if she doesn’t want to.

Your framing of it as 'intimacy' is jarring. The word's often used as a euphemism for sex on here, but we're talking about an intimate friendship. The women have chosen to spend four days together. They'll be having intimate talks, sharing intimate jokes, exposing vulnerabilities and ambitions. Sprawling on a sofa together, watching films while drinking wine, is more intimate than snoring gently on the same padded surface, each in her individual dream world.

It's true that a lot of people feel threatened by intimate friendships. That's to do with their own emotional repression and/or boundary problems, though. If they can't conceive of closeness without sex, they are missing out imo. It's not manipulative of me to choose a world in which friendship and sex can be enjoyed separately.

How controlling and phobic of you. Red flag! DP should dump you immediately before this escalates!😉

'I find it sad you don't see sharing a bed as intimate, or special. I shag my mate, it's an activity like playing sports - good for health and stress-relieving. That's not intimate. It's practical. But sharing a bed with DH is sharing my body with him in a way I haven't shared it with anyone else in around 15 years.
Id be really offended if I was your DP that you placed so little value on our intimacy that you'd be happy bed-sharing with anyone who came your way.'

Everything you say applies equally to how some people feel about bed-sharing, so I assume you're happy to share the slurs against your character...!😉

You're begging the question. I was very clear that I was taking about the intimacy of bed-sharing rather than all the alternative meanings, from sex to drinking wine, that you have then decided to address instead.

You've then decided to try to shame me for thinking bed-sharing is an intimate thing by telling me what I actually have a problem with is close friendship, that I have boundary problems and am emotionally repressed.

Perhaps bed-sharing is simply more intimate a thing to me than it is to you, and it's OK for prove to have differing views on this.

Your approach to this is really quite nasty and, yes, very manipulative. People are allowed to have different boundaries to you and don't need to be coerced out of them with slurs on their character.

Fortunately I'm too long in the tooth for that nonsense to work on me, but thanks for playing!

To be honest with you, I simplified things a bit because it's not really relevant to the thread (and I probably should have just skipped the bit about sex completely, and focused on the point about actually sleeping with someone being intimate)

So it's not that I don't see sex at all as intimate, I've had lots of very intimate sex with DP and others. But there's a difference I suppose in my mind between "fucking" and "making love" (although I do loathe that term)

I've had plenty of sex with one night stands where the sex was basically just sport. We met on a night out, went back to one of ours place. Got sweaty, had some fun, went home. Hell, I've had some of that kind of sex with DP at times. There's nothing intimate about that to me. And I'd be completely fine if DP wanted that with someone else.

And then there's the kind of sex that's actually about connection, and being together, and is about so much more important than the actual physical smushing together of genitals. That I wouldn't be keen on DP having with someone else.

Which is all irrelevant to the thread really.

But to me, the sleeping in a bed with someone is just as intimate as the "making love" kind of sex. You're losing consciousness right next to someone, it's an incredibly vulnerable position to put yourself in. (And I know it's functionally no different in that sense to being in two single beds, but it feels it somehow). You're under a shared duvet, sharing warmth with each other.

I get that not everyone feels like that about it, but to me, I find it really amazing that OP just thought, yep, thats fine and didn't even ask her boyfriend if he was OK sharing a bed with another person.

Your approach to this is really quite nasty and, yes, very manipulative. People are allowed to have different boundaries to you

Indeed they are. You've stated yours. Yet it's manipulative & nasty of me to state mine? I don't think I'm the one slurring others' characters.

Just because her opinion doesn’t match yours it must be because she’s “new here”. I’ve been here 15 years and I don’t agree with most of the posters of this thread.

.' If you are female there’s no difference between sleeping with a heterosexual man or a gay lady'

• that isn't the full story. Lesbians are women, and mostly, like women in general, are less likely to unwelcomely hit on their friends years into a friendship. Plus the OP is straight, and the friend knows that, so no chance if mutual chemistry, and it would make no sense for the friend to try, as well as being wrong.

Plenty of women-less common for men- do share beds platonically with friends though. It's definitely a sign of close friendship, but surely it's not sexual or something their partners should be jealous of?

It's different if a man & woman share a bed imo. Men are much more likely to fancy their friends and want to turn a friendship into something more.

And if OP is straight, she might well not fancy the male friend but there would be a more than 0% chance she would. O% chance she would fancy a woman if she's straight!

This!

I know, I've done it myself in my late teens and early 20s, but I didn't think it was a particularly common thing once people were in serious relationships.

Admittedly, thinking about it now, 3 of the 5 (that I can think of) times that I've shared a bed with a friend, there's been more to it going on than just needing a kip. One had a parent who'd just died, and she basically just wanted some comfort and a hug, another one I was basically on suicide watch while he was having a very bad night, and the third I didn't realise until I was actually in bed with her that she was actually after sex. (We didn't have it, I rolled over and went to sleep)

So that may be why I'm seeing it as a much more intimate act than maybe others do.

But if OP is straight, there's 0 chance of her fancying the friend.

Im bi myself & also wonder how the people on this thread saying it's different if the friend is lesbian think lesbians manage their friendships. Do they think lesbian couples constantly worry their partners will start affairs with long term friends who are to all appearances straight? I don't think that's very common.

Don’t be daft, I’m sure if she fancied the person she’d not be sharing a bed with them unless she was up for cheating and I’m sure she’d know her best friend if she’d shared a bed with them many times if they were going to sexually assault her.

men and women can be friends, they really can. They can share a bed and not have sex, just because ghey are opposite sex doesn’t mean one wants to have sex with the other.

what I read from your post is you think all your male friends fancy you and if you were in bed with them they’d try it on, and that’s fine but I’d not class them as true friends,

Absolutely this!

Maybe, that makes sense. You also mention 2 examples where you shared with female friends (I take it you're male yourself). I think this is a bit of a different dynamic to two female friends sharing a bed. It's long been common for female friends to share without it meaning they're romantically into each other.

The dynamics are different for a man & woman sharing - opposite sex friendships as teens or adults don't tend to be that platonically close, though it's possible. 2 men sharing is also unusual for various reasons though in the past sometimes it happened. I know my grandfather shared when he was in tiny lodgings in the 1950s after he came over from Poland.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you see it as quite a vulnerable act as you're going unconscious next to someone. I don't think that's a huge thing if 2 female friends are sharing either. I can see that being a bigger thing if a male & female friend share, as it means the woman trusts she's safe, for one thing.. And if 2 men share, that's traditionally been more stigmatised, so again I can see why it would be a more vulnerable act. But 2 female friends sharing I don't think is particularly vulnerable though it does show closeness.

'The reason people dont encourage young boys and men to share a bed is because they are aware they may sexually experiment and even though there is nothing wrong with being gay, early sexual experimentation can be damaging irrespective of sex.'

• is this what you believe? I agree early sex can certainly be harmful. Otoh, doesn't this also apply to girls? As you say, pregnancy is not the only risk.

Moreover, I don't think people have traditionally stopped boys sharing because they thought they would have sex. As a male pp said, sharing was common in the Scouts historically. I think the stigma against boys sharing came more from other boys, when homosexuality became more visible and homophobia meant boys were afraid of seeming gay.

Also, can I ask what your source is for 'many lesbians' having 'lots of sex' on childhood sleepovers? I have heard of cases of that, but I doubt it was that common, especially as a lot of lesbians only came out after growing up. Is this the impression you gey from your lesbian friends?
Or from somewhere else? Real life isn't Pornhub, remember!

Your characterisation of people who disagree with you so far has been of them as people who:

1. "can't imagine sleeping next to someone without fucking them."
2. "feel threatened by intimate friendships"
3. have "emotional repression and/or boundary problems"
4. "can't conceive of closeness without sex",
5. do not "choose a world in which friendship and sex can be enjoyed separately."

For future reference, those are slurs on others' characters. You're making out that their different approaches to what they are comfortable with in their relationships means they are defective or deficient in some way rather than simply having a reasonable difference to you.

Is it possible her tone was because it’s uncomfortable to hear your friend is cow-towing to a boyfriend who is making a ridiculous demand?

'I've had lesbian friends, especially when I was younger, that tried to make things difficult for me and boyfriends because they crushed on me, or had some sort of envy for the fact I had "easy" straight relationships.'

• right, I'm sorry about that. But does that experience mean most lesbians are like that? I don't think so. And anyway, is that relevant to this specific post? Is there any evidence the OP's friend is like that?

'The lesbian crushing on the straight girl BFF is a whole thing. As is the whole thing where some lesbians feel they have to do everything to constantly talk down heterosexual relationships and male partners as if talking about how much more empathetic a female partner would be will prompt straight women to find other women sexually attractive.'

• people can be jealous & do others' relationships down. But I don't think that's only a lesbian thing. There's plenty of it on here, imo. Complaining about men isn't only a lesbian thing, and if lesbians do it I don't think that necessarily means they're hoping it will make their friends consider women. Again, is there any evidence OP's friend is doing this?

And what do you mean by saying the straight BFF crush is 'a whole thing'? I certainly happens, but is it hugely common? And moreover, is it common for lesbians crushing on their straight BFFs to try to make advances despite knowing their orientation? I don't think so.

Edit : what's this Facebook link?

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1AyA8QpGfy/)

I can't open it. What does it say/prove? One Facebook link doth no evidence make, you know 🤣..

Yeah, lots of my female friends (those who are now bi or gay and some who are straight) sexually experimented with female friends on sleepovers.