Do I want a therapist, a life coach or something else?

[TherapistQuestions]

I'm struggling with my job and my life right now. My work pays reasonably well (60k), but it's wfh and I'm very lonely all the time. There's a lot of autonomy, but it also feels like nobody is really bothered what I do. I know this sounds like a dream, but I'm so bored and lonely and frustrated. DH works away all the week, and has a high-earning, busy job in a fast-paced office. He calls each night, but I feel so disconnected, plus he's always really tired when he calls. He likes to vent about his job, and says that I'm being negative if I say I'm miserable in my life. To be fair, I probably am! I'm also two stone overweight, hate how I look, and stressed and miserable all the time.

I want to talk through my problems with someone, and maybe get some advice for how to pull myself out of this slump. I spend all day miserable and lonely and resentful, and then all evening by myself doom scrolling or reading MN. But I don't know who I want to talk to! I want a sympathetic ear and advice about gearing myself up to make some positive changes, and a bit of "wise woman" insight. Is this a therapist, a counsellor, a life coach, or something else? Maybe even chatGPT?

Help me, MN-ers!

I think you just need to look for a new job and put your phone down in the evening and get out for some fresh air.
too much time spent thinking and ruminating isn’t great.
I’m not anti therapy but it’s not a silver bullet, you can see what’s bothering you from your op, you’re bored and lonely and lacking in motivation. Are you really also happy to spend £80 an hour every week for months on end just to waffle on to someone about how bored and lonely you are?
Find something that fulfills you, you can totally fix this yourself.

Also I read that back and though I stand by it, I hope you don’t take it badly, it wasn’t intended to cause offence. It’s just that you have identified your problems, a lot of the time therapy is about getting to the root of your problems at which point they throw it back on to you to do the work about how to fix it 😂 you already know your problems so write a list of things you can do about them and work from there.
Plus if you really do just want to throw a load of money at the problem just transfer it directly to me and I’ll ask the same question, “so what are you going to do this week to make a positive change?”

Im having therapy now and have found it really helpful. I'm starting to understand my behaviour patterns, and I hope I can create change from not repeating the behaviour that doesn't serve me.

Youll get people telling you to get a hobby, make friends, ditch the unempathetic partner - which could bring improvement! - but I think therapy can help get to the crux of the dissatisfaction

I'd say you need a coach. Or a good self help book if that's your thing. I usually recommend how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Saw it recommended on MN years ago, read it, have re read it and recommend it nearly every week on MN. As one of the pps said you've already identified what you need so the next part is making changes.

To be fair, this is probably exactly the kind of wise woman insight that I need! 😆I've been applying for new jobs left right and centre and getting knocked back, which hasn't helped. I also have ankle tendonitis, which is a shame as getting out for a run or a walk would really help.

You're right though that I know what the problem is, and how to fix it. It just seems like such a mountain to climb when I've been failing at it for so long! I don't understand why I'm not picking myself up and sorting it out, other than I don't really believe it'll work. Which is negative, and definitely won't help!

Go on chat gtp
I've just spent half an hour on it ,telling it my problems and getting it to help me organise my thoughts..I feel so much better..I didn't ask it for advice,I ask it to help me organise my thoughts,which it does.
I actually feel like I've turned a bit of a corner with it today as well,it's really helped me see things clearly..it's not a substitute for a counsellor,or a friend or a husband or the Samaritans...but in the event of none of those being available or appropriate..it's got it's place

A self-help book sounds like a good plan, if nothing else it'll make me feel like I'm doing something. And like a pp said, a therapist would be £80 an hour, so a cheap kindle book sounds like a bargain. I know this is something I need to do for myself, I just don't understand why I keep self-sabotaging or getting so affected by setbacks. It's like my head is stuck in the wrong gear somehow, but there's no real reason for it.

Join a weekly class eg community choir or take a ceramics or something course. Something that gets you out

Find a nice park and go for a walk first thing. Take a coffee with you or get one on the way. Smile at people and say good morning. Find a bench and sit for 5 minutes just listening to the wildlife. Then spend 5 minutes in meditation. Go home take a shower, use lovely products, gels, conditioners after drying use a moisturiser. Have breakfast. Greek yoghut, berries and honey. Think about IT for weight loss along with exercise.
You get the idea?

As soon as you wake up, fill the first 20 minutes of this intention through thought..

Only you can decide what you want most therapists have degrees and years of training, life coaches tend to have done short training in a particular area, chat gpt is a computer. Therapy changed my life for the better.

Reported

A major cheat code for life is realising that one day you can just change and create the life you want. Just say "that's enough" and change direction completely

Ive been exactly where you are & Ive managed to pull myself out to 80% back to the person I have always been. Pandemic, loss of my mum, OH potentially life threatening accident & mental health issues of DC.
WFH set of depression that I now realise was depression although didn’t feel sad just in a rut & bored/lonely.
You do need a different job but that isnt going to magically appear Im on my 3rd job before I got the right one. Its taken me 6 years before I got back on track. Im going to do separate posts on all the things that helped me as be too long a post to be interesting & I hope that some of these help you trigger a reset. Its so hard. Take small steps chunk it up & do consistently. Good luck & DM me if you think any of these tips are helping & can talk more. I felt so alone at time like nobody got it.

Best WFH tips when it soul destroying
1 clothing - Put on more formal clothes, a different outfit everyday not trackies, leggings. Plan them Sunday night. Wear the lanyard you dont need a nice diamonte one. Put on perfume. Put on makeup. put on jewellery. do your hair. Set a signal to yourself. Show up for yourself every single day.

2 Eat healthy breakfast porridge, greek yogurt & fruit, poached egg.

3 commence fake commute. Track steps & walk for at least half hour.

4 put phone or ipad on daytime TV as fake colleagues in background. Just pause when need to concentrate. You dont need to see the screen its just chat you only half listen to. LBC radio is boring enough you dont get hooked in.

5 set a timer on your phone 2 hour blocks get up move from desk. Go upstairs clean bathroom sink or put laundry away. 10 min task. Blast a fav song out during this time. repeat this with another room do dishwasher. just physically move.

6 lunchbreak make lunch or pull prepared lunchbox. Then go for a walk. This is harder in rain so invest in right clothing a dryrobe hideous but helps.

7 hometime. Clean and tidy desk & write to do list for tomorrow.

8 scroll mumsnet pandemic boards most people loved but many people persons hated & were like us for tips.

9 if you have company ADP counselling lines find the details ring them for help. I was given these tips by one.

10 plan a real life coffee /walk/ brunch whatever with family or friends outside of house for a night in week or weekend.

11 phone a friend or relative. Someone retired and elderly love to hear from you.

12 suggest a weekly teams drop in catch up meeting for team bonding enhancing training discussing challenging work projects brain storming. Any old rubbish you just need interaction. Raise with manager & sell it best you can. Many companies have set coffee break drops across different departments for this reason.

14 if your job isnt going to change you will have to. I work in same industry but different role. Would rather my old role but as it only exists WFH I’ve accepted I can no longer do it. I tried hard but my quality of life ended up as zero. aI will take a lot of these WFH jobs so try and reframe it.

This is exactly when a therapist is helpful!

I’ve recently started with a coach, but I’d already done the therapy bit. The therapy helped me to unpick the “whys”, the coaching is helping me move on from where I am. Personally, it was important for me to know myself better before I embarked on the coaching and I’m definitely getting more out of the coaching having been through therapy!

Gained 2.5 stone after pandemic lost1.5 stone this was gradual. i had been a size 8-10 gym bunny all my life but the loneliness of WFH was root cause.
despite being qualified aerobic instructor in 20s as a short term second job I failed myself was miserable & just couldn’t seem to eat properly or get to gym despite losing 3 hour commute time. I also picked up knee injury which stoppdd me doing my favourite classes.
I invested in an online PT as these are chesper for 3 months. I picked up a no shite scottish man. Ross Lyon on instagram. He had videos of weight training excercises for technique. I already knew technique so thats why I recommended him because not all are good. He did a plan and you choose your cardio and your given steps to walk a day and a diet plan. It was really too much food for me heavily protein based but you know what i lost all craving for crisps chocolate junk snacks unbelievably quickly. Once a week you take photos and you have a 1-1 chrck in expect to be put in your place with excuses. You need to be held accountable. He is very real & you can google his life story online from Scottish press. He has a few you tubes too. He was very overweight and hit a low woth drink & drugs in hospitality industry before changing life. He will get you, he got me & i was in same position as you.
Please at least google him watch his instagram see if he resonates with you.
join a gym with lots of classes & swimming pool if you can. Go to same classes you meet same people & be brave smile ask them what instructors are good say just joined what do you recommend. Dont be put of some prople are more open to convos than others. If you end up with some acquaintances it make you go more.
try spin, yoga, body balance, circuits, boxercise, kettlebells, zumba. You like some better than others you need to go for 6 weeks before you get hang of moves. Perserve and you wont look back. I promise.

Everything on @Purpl’s list is something you can do now, this week, to get into a better routine.

I would take her list as your first wise woman/coach instruction. Give it a week. Then see how you feel

If I wasn’t afraid of hurting your feelings here’s what I’d tell you:
you are bored and lonely
you have loads of flexibility and you wfh but you’re not taking advantage of that to do anything fun/healthy
you’re in a slump of laziness
you’re fuelling the laziness with only moving your arse from your desk to your sofa and spending every evening scrolling

How is therapy going to fix any of that? It’s not. The fix is on Purpl’s list.

You just need someone to ‘put you in a paper bag and shake you up’ like my grandma used to say.

Consider yourself shaken up! Start today and I bet you’ll feel better by the end of the summer.

THEN you can think about the job situation. But I reckon the job will allow you to do so much more FOR YOURSELF right now so take advantage.

You are so right. Love your grandma saying. Mine was nothing so boring as a bored person.
my little mantra going out on my walk in rain which hated was something i found online. Choose your hard. It hard being overweight its hard going to gym choose your hard. Eventually the gym one won. Its hard wfh its hard being unemployed at home no money choose your hard etc.

So every evening your husband tells you he’s tired and likes to vent about work, but if you’re not positive (i.e. you tell him how things really are for you, the same way he does) he tells you off? He sounds very selfish. You don’t sound any more negative than he is! Why are you putting up with that?

Don't get a life coach. They're unqualified charlatans.

Look on the BACP directory if you want a counsellor.

I can relate to this. Working fully remotely has almost destroyed me. Everyone thinks it must be great to work from home but my health was suffering and my kids were noticing. I've now taken a hybrid job to get out of the house.
Have you considered renting a small office space so you physically have to leave the house?
From experience, I would say, put the phone down in the evening and create new habits. This will likely help with the weight gain too.

Instead of walking, could you do chair exercises, or even take a break in the garden/have lunch in a local park or cafe, until your ankle tendonitis has healed? Just moving in some way or having different surroundings, especially in fresh air, can help with negative thoughts and feelings. Also are you seeing a physio for the tendonitis? Appropriate stretching and strengthening exercises can really speed up the healing process.

I agree with PP that a good therapist can be really helpful with untangling and making sense of our thoughts and feelings, so even a few weeks of therapy can be a great investment. Does your work offer lifestyle benefits such as in person/video/phone therapy?

I also agree with a PP that your husband sounds selfish. He can vent but you can't??!! That sounds really selfish and uncaring on his part! I second the question of why are you putting up with that?

Lastly, try to do something each day/evening that you love, even for a few minutes: re-find an old hobby, learn to paint, draw, knit, sew, take nature photos, learn a new language, do some genealogy research, watch virtual tours of interesting countries, join a local rock choir, etc. Or even just spend half an hour each day doing research to find new interests or activities that you might like to try out, either now or in the future.

Hobbies including exercise