DD refuses to be in photos

[Bellini12]

I do love photography but for the record I’m not one of those that snaps away at everything nor puts it on social media! I know there is a time and a place. But DD (20) refuses to have her pic taken eg on a family day out and often kills the mood (it’s only for my memory bank).

Today I was at a local festival with her as something fun to do, other DD is away with her dad seeing a band and text a pic to me of them so I wanted to return one of the both of us but she absolutely refused - it was just to send to her dad/sis. Kept on faffing with her hair, got very stroppy very quickly. It ended up in a row as I just can’t understand why? Says she hates the way she looks (she’s stunning). I could scroll through all my pics in a year and there is ONE of her on her own.
I don’t post to SM (if I did - rarely - I would ask permission) yet she takes 20 pictures of herself a day (unflattering ones) and sends them on Snapchat to her friends. I don’t get it!!!

Photos make me happy, I love scrolling through my memories of holidays etc and feel sad she is missing from them.

I hate photographs of myself. In my 60s, I have got to the point that I don't mind other people taking them for their memories: but, of course, it's never just that, they also send them to you via WhatsApp and then I have to smile and say, 'lovely!', while also quickly deleting.
I think that the Snapchat photos are different - are they of her doing stuff with her friends? Or doing something silly?
Because actually I don't so much mind photographs that I happen to be in, or the ones where we are laughing because of the weather etc - it's the ones where I have to look at the camera and smile that I hate. Or selfies, where I always look like a toad.
So maybe it's yhe kind of photograph that she objects to, and maybe you could ask if you could take photos of her when she isn't posing. When she's just going about the day and enjoying herself.

Yes, I will defo ask in advance and not push it if she says no. It’s not worth the beef. But will probably always make me feel a little sad that for whatever reason she doesn’t want to appear in our pics.

@LollyWillow i actually prefer the more natural, candid shots. But that would make her feel angry if I took one surreptitiously so she would need time to look perfect and pose; whereas I would be happy with a silly grin or looking away etc. I do think SM plays a part and the pressure to look perfect in every shot (unless of course she is taking a silly Snapchat pic for her mates).

Id ask her.

What happens when you go on holiday or something- does she actually step out of photos? Im imagining you’d then end up with family pics around the house and she’s not in any!

Good for her. I’m team DD. I hate being photographed, too.

People can either just have the basic good manners & common courtesy to respect that, or we can have a discussion about it. The outcome of which is that I don’t have my photo taken and they get reminded of their manners & put very firmly in their place.

She sends Snapchat pictures to her mates because a) she has control over what those pictures look like and b) they automatically disappear from Snapchat.

If she doesn’t like people taking her picture, don’t take her picture. She’s an adult and she’s entitled to decide.

Why aren’t the Snapchat photos enough for you? they’re still memories. You seem overly concerned with beauty standards for the male gaze.

Do you not realise the kind of unwanted toxic sexual harrassment pretty girls get when they post flattering pictures of themselves online?

She’s not sending the Snapchat photos to her mum?

Well her mum has seen them? Has she even asked to get them over Snapchat as well? To me it sounded like OP doesn’t want unflattering photos and the amount of hair and makeup work needed to meet OP’s photo ready standard frustrates her DD when it comes to photos that don’t go on SM.

My DD17 is exactly the same, at 14 she suddenly didn’t want photos taken of her for any reason, so I stopped doing it. We have a big family get together coming up in September and I don’t think she realises how much attention (unwanted) she will get as nobody has seen her for so long. But it’s what she wants and I respect her wishes

My dd is the same. I feel sad about it too, we don't live near family and my mum would love me to send her a photo of dd occasionally, if we do anything special, but she just refuses to be photographed. There's only me and her, so if we go away anywhere my photo memories are all just scenes.

Sounds like she knows you want it, so she refuses. It's a control thing and a way to make you feel that you mean nothing to her. I don't know why some kids are like that towards their parents. They just treat them with utter disregard.

I can sympathise with your DD. As a child I hated having my photo taken and more than half a century later I am still the same. My siblings all laugh about it and have to cajole me into participating in photos. No idea why I’ve always felt this way but some things you can’t change.
I also don’t have photographs all round the house. I used to have some up but when we redecorated I liked the clutter free look so they are all safely stored away.

I’m on her side here OP. I absolutely hate my photo being taken…leave her be!

@SummerFeverVenice beauty standards for the male gaze?! What planet are you on?! It was a silly spur of the moment snap to send to her dad and sister! I had my hair in my face and was looking dischelved, she was looking gorgeous as always! None of this goes on SM or is for the male gaze!

And I don’t see her Snapchat photos. I don’t use that platform. I know about them as we do sit in the same room or go out together and she’s always taking pics of herself. I have eyes!

Gosh, how one person misinterpret a post is beyond me!

I have no ‘beauty standard’. Again, they NEVER go on SM! It was intended as a candid shot to share with her Dad and sister to show them what we were up to. It wasn’t a formal do eg a wedding - no beauty standards ever required. If anything she’s the one that wants to look done up (unless of course it’s for Snapchat or her mates pics). I couldn’t care less!

But that's the whole point, don't you see? When they deliberately pull funny faces and all the rest of it, people on SM don't criticise their looks or pick holes in their appearance. Any photo take of them looking 'beautiful' positively invites attention and hurtful criticism and many young women really don't want that sort of attention.

My brother once went through all of our family photos (I am old, so these were the days when photos were an actual, physical thing that you held in your hand!) and cut his face out of every single one where he was a teenager.

@orangehandles i totally get your point about the criticism of posing and putting it on SM for all to see. But this isn’t something I do or would dare inflict on her. On the very rare time I have posted a photo (years ago), I have always asked for consent first. I really don’t use SM personally.

I get my daughter to take selfies of the pair of us. It's a win win as she will usually agree and she takes way better pictures than I do!

I hate having my pic taken but also regret that I have very few pics of me with my grandchildren…am working on it!
My adult children are not great fans of me taking pictures of them but are ok if I promise not to show them to anyone 😭Obviously I respect their wishes .