Pregnancy and vaping. Would you say something? If so, what?

[QuercusAlba]

DH and I are currently visiting DS and DDIL. They’ve announced DIL is pregnant. This is our first grandchild and I’m so pleased and excited.
DIL, however, is vaping. A lot. This clearly is not a good or healthy thing for the baby.

Would I be verging into terrible, interfering MIL territory if mentioned that it would be better if she stopped? Is there a tactful way to approach this, or should I stay out of it?

Grandchild will be fine. Vaping is not going to ruin their health.

Oh come off it, years ago we were told that smoking whilst pregnant was absolutely fine and women were encouraged to drink Guinness whilst pregnant and then the advice changed when they knew more about drinking and smoking.

It doesn’t take a lot of brain cells to realise that vaping isn’t good for you and is full of God knows how many chemicals and unknowns.

Of course it isn’t fine to vape whilst pregnant. It may be the lesser of two evils but it definitely isn’t fine.

Read my OP again?

I asked advice on whether I should raise it, and if so, how.
I’ve received plenty of good advice that I should stay quiet and so I will. Chiefly because it will make no difference and just piss DIL off.

Thanks again to all who posted.

I kind of agree. If she was drinking, would we all just say nothing and let the baby be born with FAS? I get that it probably won’t change anything but in that situation would you not need to feel like you had tried?

Is she doing it in front of you? I think I would ask my son about it, something along the lines of, ‘is vaping safe for the baby?’ Or ‘will vaping damage the baby’s health?’ I couldn’t sit there and watch harm being caused to the baby.

I remember being really upset when I was pregnant and a family member was continuously vaping in the same room as me during a visit. I didn’t say anything out of politeness but took myself off to another room eventually and was upset with this person for a while afterwards. I don’t understand how anyone can be ok with not putting their baby’s health first.

I’m not condoning the vaping at all, but if she was a vaper before pregnancy, could she have switched to 0% nicotine? Vaping is just as addictive as smoking. Could she be trying to cut down with a view to stopping?

OP, if it comes up then this might help.

I vaped whilst pregnant, I couldn't quit cold turkey. I made my midwife aware and that I would like to come off it and she referred me to the Quit Your Way service (on the NHS, in Scotland, may be called something else elsewhere?). They were brilliant, I had weekly phonecalls with someone who encouraged me to use lower nicotine vapes. Most vapes have 20mg. I found some 10mg ones, then a couple weeks later got some 6mg ones then moved onto nicotine free. Within a week of getting the nicotine free ones I stopped using it completely. Highly recommend weaning off it rather than going cold turkey. I stopped by the time I was 20 weeks. Not ideal to be vaping at all but it is what it is.

I wouldnt have appreciated my MIL sticking her nose in and may have led me to just not vape around her but if you have a good relationship with her and the topic comes up you can maybe try suggesting the above.

When I was pregnant they told me I could continue vaping as it was safe. I didn’t believe them so I stopped. How can breathing in anything be safe??? I think what they meant was “we don’t know the risks so we’ll assume it’s safe”. I would stay out of it though.

I’ll say nothing but I’m feeling torn and quite upset about this.
Have lost a lot of respect for DIL.

I don’t think I’ll mention it to DS either, as that could backfire spectacularly.

‘My grandchild’ no you don’t have a grandchild yet, this woman is pregnant with HER baby, it’s part of her body and nobody else’s property. She’s not an incubator. Once the child has been born you will have a grandchild, and it still won’t be your property to dictate about. Going this way will just push her and your future grandchild away.

There is no evidence it will harm the baby though.

I'd speak to your son privately.

No but it’s not her body she’s harming is it, it’s the baby. You wouldn’t say the same thing if someone was still drinking 3 G&Ts a day would you?

Well no because that’s not the same. But it still wouldn’t be ‘OPs grandchild’, it’s still an unborn baby within its mother, it doesn’t belong to anyone else. OP has no claim to the contents of someone else’s uterus.

Your argument is “not your body not your business”..

when we get pregnant, most women accept that the unborn child, while part of us still, is potentially affected developmentally and lifelong by our own health during pregnancy and the lifestyle decisions we make. it is therefore the same argument as if the mother were drinking a lot of alcohol.

We may not know what the exact effects of smoking vapes on an unborn child’s development are because of lack of data, but that doesn’t mean there is no impact, and I would’ve thought that most responsible pregnant women would prefer to apply the precautionary principle and not inhale the hundreds of chemicals vapes are stuffed with.

what the OP should do in this situation, I don’t know.

@OP i wonder whether you can open a gentle, non judgemental conversation about vaping with her. How exactly to frame that is hard, but I think it might be worth raising. As others have said— she may already be on a lower dosage or cutting out, rather than just continuing as normal.

What kind of idiot vapes when they’re pregnant? I’d say something..

No, it is not the same as being an alcoholic drinking a huge amount of alcohol each day, which we know causes long term problems for the baby.

Either it’s acceptable to comment, or it’s not 🤷‍♀️

Just because we don’t know the impacts, doesn’t mean that the harm isn’t there.

Not sure what’s with the emoji, my comment about it not being ok to comment was very clear. If the mother was a raging alcoholic deliberately damaging her unborn child OP could involve social services, but that situation doesn’t exist here.

I agree. However, the unborn baby does not belong to its grandmother, it’s not her business. Particularly when the mother isn’t actually deliberately harming her baby against all guidance, which she would be doing if she was drinking large amounts of alcohol every single day.

Can you maybe approach it as “i see you are stressed would a pregnancy massage or acupuncture help you ? “and then offer to pay for it or go with her

definitely dont be critical

I think you really need to change your mindset before you damage your relationship with your DIL and future grandchild. You seem to be implying you have some degree of authority or rights over her baby because it’s “your grandchild”, you absolutely do not.

I understand you are coming from a place of concern, but it’s really not your place at all to tell her whether she should vape or not, leave that to her partner and her medical team.

If you continue with this “but it’s my grandchild” mentality you’re going to damage your relationship with her.

I agree with your point that the baby doesn’t belong to its grandmother. But your argument is “my body my choice”, basically, and when you don’t know what the risks are of an activity you’re doing on the unborn child, I think that argument goes out of the window. The mother has a responsibility to behave in such a way that mitigates the risk of harm to her baby. Perhaps it shouldn’t be the grandmother, but I’m very surprised that health professionals wouldn’t point out that really, vaping isn’t a very good idea (unless of course she was on a pack of fags a day and it’s the lesser of two evils, idk!)