Eldest son grieving the sibling relationship he feels he missed out on

[SupernaturalAddict]

I have two beautiful sons. Ds1 is at uni studying for a masters in a science subject, he has a gf, is joining the football team in Sep, has lots of friends and is a decent and kind person (no diagnosis and is no way suspected of having a disability, being nd or having autism). Ds2 has severe autism, he starts sixth form in Sep (no formal qualifications) he is very cuddley, happy and kind. He is amazing and has accomplished loads of things that we were told were out of his reach. He doesn't have traditional friends as such but is a member of different communities/ social groups. He's constant 1:1 and 2:1 when in the community.

Ds1 is home for Summer, ds2 is still at school as term ends on Friday. Ds1 and I were talking today about a vaguely related autism topic and we got talking about his childhood and his brothers. Ds1 shared that while he has been at uni he's realised what he has missed out as he's seen his friends relationships with thdir siblings and now realises how different his childhood could have been if his brother wasn't disabled. He loves his brother and isn't resentful, he seemed just really sad about missing out on this relationship. They both do love each other.

We tried to make sure he had opportunities to mix with other kids who had similar siblings by taking him to groups for that reason and we made sure that he had time with both me and my husband together and each of us on our own likewise ds2 as well as a family together.

We tried our hardest to cushion them both from the differences in our family and have always encouraged open conversation about any subject.

I thought i'd managed it better, I didn't think he'd feel like this. I did apologise to him and told him he's allowed to have these feelings, I shared that we were told to mourn for the life we that we thought ds2 would have and the family life we thought we'd have so understand.

It's just so shit.

There are some feelings that can’t be fixed, they just need someone to bear witness, hear, validate, sit with. It’s not your job to fix this for your son. Not only is it not your job, it’s not possible. As parents, we don’t want our children to experience a single moment of pain or discomfort. But it’s part of the human condition.

Was DS1 ever recognised as a 'young carer' either by his school or any other organisation?
If not it might be worth acknowledging to him that was what he was, even now.

My two sons are incredibly close, 3 year age gap, quite different in some ways but are best mates. But Ds1 has several friends who are either only children or have a sibling and barely tolerate each other. He doesn't have any friends who are close to their sibling or parents. My two know how lucky they are that they do get on so well. Just because you have a sibling doesn't guarantee a friendship.

Ds2 did have medical issues when he was younger so there was a lot of pandering to him and his needs and wants. Ds1 did see that and feels that was unfair but understands exactly why we did it now he is an adult himself.

Uni has a way of shining a light on family dynamics and lots of people are racing to the bottom on their own childhood experiences. Hopefully it also shows how great a childhood your eldest had too and you should also talk about the positives.

I shared that we were told to mourn for the life we that we thought ds2 would have and the family life we thought we'd have so understand

You were. Was he? Probably not. Siblings are often overlooked in this way

It is more difficult for young people with a disabled sibling than a lot of people realise.

As someone with a fairly ambivalent relationship with my sibling in my late 40s i still get pangs wen see friends with really good sibling and family relationships... Think he may well process it as he matures although sounds like you have a good relationship with him which is amazing and hard as it's a tricky balance..

Im not sure expecting him to have any legal responsibility for loa or anything is a good idea though... He should be completely free to make his future without responsibility...
Its your job to sort ds2 life and options..

It really is. Young siblings - lack of attention from parents, missing out on days out/holidays/hobbies, used to coming 2nd. Adult siblings - worries about the future, expectations of care role whilst trying to live their own lives.

He was and still is classed as a carer. He does help when home from uni to support ds2 when I take him out sometimes. Rarely he stays with him while I nip out somewhere if I have to and dh is at work. We try to keep this to a minimum as it isn't fair on them both.

He lives away at uni and comes home for Christmas, Easter and Summer.

Our respite support stopped last year due to a safeguarding incident with the PA organisation. We are looking at alternative provision but have yet to agree on a support plan.

^^ this ❤

It’s just part of life.
We can all say we missed out on things - it’s very common to have a sibling who doesn’t stay in touch much or a parent who had to work a lot, a blended family etc etc. No family is ‘perfect’ - I would acknowledge what he’s saying as also point out the positives he does have - a close knit family despite his siblings autism, supportive parents, a stable home. Many people have none of those things. No family unit is perfect; it’s just part of life.

The poa is for me and dh, we also will have poa for each other. Ds2 cannot have poa as he won't have capacity, we have to apply for deputyship but ds1 will have nothing to do with that.

We were conscious of much of this. We made sure he had time with just me and or dh. We never missed an assemby, sports day or awards day etc He hasn't missed out on days out or holidays. We did our best in this regard. I accept that there will always be others with more or better but I don't think it's fair to say he missed out in those terms.

As an adult, I don't know. I guess that's what I'm trying to partly navigate now.

@loobylou10 i appreciate that your post maybe more a general observation rather than aimed directly at me. One which I agree with too.

This is strange to read.

I am the disabled sibling.

My sibling bullied me and bitterly resented me.

I grieve the relationship because I would happily fire her into the sun.

Relationships and disability are a complex thing.

I understand your son completely just from an unexpected angle.

Oh gosh yes - a general observation, not aimed at you sorry. The things I’ve heard from some siblings of disabled people. All entirely understandable situations in the family unit but happening non the less. Support for siblings is something I am passionate about

I can give you another viewpoint re sibling relationships as most of the time my little girl (6) has grown up as an "only child" for most of her life, even though she has two much older (half) brothers (now 16 and 18 - 18 yo at uni).
From birth she has only ever lived with them on a very part-time basis; her eldest brother just EOW until he went to uni, and her other older brother every other mid-week and weekend.
She is adored by them both and loves them both, even though she hasn't spent anywhere as much time with them as we all would have liked. I guess it is all she has known. She doesn't see the difference between her friends who have "full" siblings; to her they are her brothers in exactly the same way, even though they don't live with her the majority. Of course they are all equally my children and I love them equally as their mum.
I, on the other hand, have a full brother who is 18 months older than me and is autistic. He didn't get a diagnosis until his mid-30s so life was incredibly tough for him. At times I do "grieve" for a close brother/sister bond, but understand that it was nobody's fault that we don't have one. He is older than me and we have what I would call a distant relationship even though we see each other quite often (if that makes sense?) There would be no guarantees we would be close even if he wasn't autistic, but I always wonder "what if?" I suppose.

My mum is 80 next month. I’ve just come to visit her today, and we were chatting, when she said about my three daughters that when she saw them, so close even as young adults, she realises how different her relationship with her autistic sister was. And yes, it was a sadness, although she sees my daughters’ closeness as a very lovely thing.

You didn't do anything wrong. Not having a sibling relationship can happen for many reasons. I'm an only child. My husband has a brother but they aren't close at all. My mum fell out with her brother. My dads brother emigrated.
Yes its lovely when siblings are close and I'm jealous of that sometimes but most people don't have a picture perfect family.

But this could be true of any child. An only child wishes they had a sibling, siblings may wish they were onlies (I know my DD would have liked this - she does not get on with her brother), or one of the same or opposite sex. I wish my DH hadn’t died suddenly when my kids were little so they could have had a father.
It’s quite surprising he’s only thinking this now. I would have thought that would have been on his mind from the time he realised his brother was not like him. But it’s great he’s talking about it and working through it. But I don’t understand how you think you could have done anything to prevent these feelings.

Your last sentence sums it up. It is shit. Nobody's fault, but it's shit.