Eldest son grieving the sibling relationship he feels he missed out on

[SupernaturalAddict]

I have two beautiful sons. Ds1 is at uni studying for a masters in a science subject, he has a gf, is joining the football team in Sep, has lots of friends and is a decent and kind person (no diagnosis and is no way suspected of having a disability, being nd or having autism). Ds2 has severe autism, he starts sixth form in Sep (no formal qualifications) he is very cuddley, happy and kind. He is amazing and has accomplished loads of things that we were told were out of his reach. He doesn't have traditional friends as such but is a member of different communities/ social groups. He's constant 1:1 and 2:1 when in the community.

Ds1 is home for Summer, ds2 is still at school as term ends on Friday. Ds1 and I were talking today about a vaguely related autism topic and we got talking about his childhood and his brothers. Ds1 shared that while he has been at uni he's realised what he has missed out as he's seen his friends relationships with thdir siblings and now realises how different his childhood could have been if his brother wasn't disabled. He loves his brother and isn't resentful, he seemed just really sad about missing out on this relationship. They both do love each other.

We tried to make sure he had opportunities to mix with other kids who had similar siblings by taking him to groups for that reason and we made sure that he had time with both me and my husband together and each of us on our own likewise ds2 as well as a family together.

We tried our hardest to cushion them both from the differences in our family and have always encouraged open conversation about any subject.

I thought i'd managed it better, I didn't think he'd feel like this. I did apologise to him and told him he's allowed to have these feelings, I shared that we were told to mourn for the life we that we thought ds2 would have and the family life we thought we'd have so understand.

It's just so shit.

He probably understands but it’s processing his realisation.

He’s right it was a different childhood. He just needs to come to terms with it.

I thought i'd covered all eventualities in my head and so would be prepared for things like this when they crop up but it was just a gut punch.

I'm not sure how I can help him either other than letting him talk if he needs to. I'm also wonder if I made mistakes when they were young and should have had conversations with him directly about this subject. Surely that would be madness though if he wasn't feeling it at the time?

It’s ok for him to realise this. In the same way that only children wish they had a sibling, or siblings who don’t get on realise how nice it would have been to have a good relationship. But it’s not your fault, it’s just one of life’s challenges. Just as you love your DS2 but have found it hard

It sounds like he is just processing it and coming to terms with it. I grew up with a disabled sibling and it impacted me negatively in some ways growing up. I wasn't allowed friends over had to do lots in terms of caring or helping at home. It took so much of my parents time that I didn't really get to do things for me like sports clubs, no holidays etc However, in many ways it also shaped who I am in terms of resilience and confidence.

It's nothing you did that led to him feeling this way so don't blame yourself. Family life with an autistic sibling is always going to look different to family life with a neurotypical sibling.
You've handled the conversation really well. There's nothing any of you can do to change the situation and the fact that he loves his brother speaks volumes about the family you've built.
Sounds like that 1 to 1 time has been really valuable. It's great that you now know how he's feeling. It's probably raw for him now as he's only just processed it all but he'll get there.

I think it's important not to give into your immediate desire to fix how he is feeling. Sometimes it's just important to have the ability to speak openly and be heard, it sounds like you did an amazing job with that.
Even in families without SEN relationships aren't perfect, it's just about letting him and you process how he's feeling.

It’s great he can talk to you about it and that you have that amazing relationship that a lot of people don’t have with their children. I think that shows you did a lot right. It’s hard though I totally get that. I have a similar dynamic in my family.

I was in your eldest DS’s position growing up. I vividly remember having similar realisations during my uni years. I think it is a natural process to go through as part of moving further into adulthood. Many question their childhood experiences at this point and inevitably, your DS has to process his.

As a parent, you haven’t done anything wrong. You couldn’t do anything differently or better. Your ds just needs time and space to process his feelings.

But you have done well in bringing him up. He has been able to openly come to you and articulate his feelings and you have been able to validate and come along side him. That’s a really green flag for your relationship and what you’ve invested in him and given him as a mother. You’re both right that it was different. At the time your youngest was born, you were an adult with all the perspective and understanding that comes with life experience and so were in a better place to process and understand how different your life would be with DS2. DS1 was still a child with really only the understanding of his immediate world and it’s only now that he’s able to understand different experiences and has more life experience himself that he’s beginning to process this. It sounds normal and healthy.

keep being in it with him. He’ll come out the other side. I’m not just saying it to make you feel better, it really does sound like you’ve done a great job. No parent is perfect.

It's ok to regret what you don't have as long as you appreciate what you do have, I think.

Eventually we just have to accept our family structure as it is. You could be an only child yearning for a house full of siblings or the youngest of five wishing to be an only child with their parents' full attention and that's perfectly normal.

I appreciate that it can be difficult having a disabled sibling, but it sounds like you spent a lot of effort in making sure that both their needs were met and if he's doing a science masters it sounds like he (and you) have been successful in that.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You have done nothing wrong. My brother has learning difficulties, and it was when I met DH and saw the relationship he has with his siblings, I was envious knowing I had never had that, nor would I. My parents were brilliant and we did things as a family, but it was the adult relationship I was missing.

My children had a less than ideal childhood for a different reason, so have been through this. You can't stop them realising that life isn't fair and it's healthy to talk about the past as a family. It's awful, but you are not to blame and it just is- your son is just talking reflectively and honestly about his own experience. You are upset, but he hasn't said anything wrong and it may be had you talked longer or at a different time, he might also reflect on other aspects of the relationship between them. Expressing his emotions like this shows emotional maturity, and I think you just have to let your kids think what they think about their childhoods for a bit, it's a stage they go through, shortly followed a more grateful narrative IMO.

I dunno OP, your son may be picking up an instagram-style picture of his friends' happy sibling relationships, rather than the reality. Lots of brothers and sisters don't get on at all. He and his brother love each other. I bet if he talked in more depth to more of his peer group he would find a whole range of experiences, some of them much worse than his own.

You did everything you possibly could have OP.

It's easy to mourn something you never had - in his imagination it would have been a wonderfully close relationship. But I had a non autistic sibling and it wasn't like that at all, in fact I wish I'd been an only child. I'd also love to be close to my parents and i don't have that either, I'm always envious of people who have really loving, supportive parents - so your son has something he should appreciate there.

Thank you all for your replies. I guess i'm working through and processing this now too. I am goning to think about the issues and points some have raised as I want to get my head together so that if he approaches the subject again I can discuss it with him better.

If he has only realised this now and has come to speak to you about it, then I think you have done a great job. Firstly because it sounds like he was happy enough growing up and loves his brother and secondly because he is willing to talk about it with you, without feeling like he has to censor his feelings. I would just keep communication open, as you have done.

May be worth talking to DS1 about what, if anything, could or should have been done differently, he’ll then at least feel heard. It’s tough being a sibling of a disabled person, he probably felt overlooked at times, that DS2 had (naturally) more attention- and it’s ok for DS1 to feel and say that.

What will happen in future? Will DS2 ever live independently and support himself? The conversation with DS1 should also inform your future thinking and I wonder if he is now thinking and seeing that, being on the cusp of adulthood and independence. For example, will he and is he expected to care for his brother when you and his Dad die? What discussions and arrangements have you in place if you die sooner? It may be helpful to have those reassuring conversations with him.

That’s the hand he’s been dealt and whilst his feelings are valid and he has every right to talk about it, he kind of needs to get over it and be happy about the good things.

I was an only child of a single parent, that was hard growing up. It’s ok to feel fed up about it but sometimes you just need to give yourself a shake and cheer up cos nothing can change it.

There’s a great many things that most people have to process and come to terms with about their childhood – disabled siblings, divorce, alcoholism, abuse, parental/sibling/friend death.

Me? My sister died as a child and my dad was an alcoholic who went bankrupt when I was 4yrs old. My DH … Father had an 8yr long affair. My mum … elderly parents who had her at 45, landing her with caring responsibilities in her 20s, and her best friend was murdered as a child. My dad … found out his father had a secret first family before meeting and marrying his mum. My best friend … dad died at 6yrs old.

Support him in processing, but you shouldn’t feel as though you failed him, because you didn’t. He needs to mature out of these feelings by realising that almost everyone has something which could have been different.

Only child here - and I absolutely “get” what he means. Now I am older and have kids of my own and have the full weight of elderly parents, there are times I really feel I missed out by not having a sibling.

But - there’s no guarantee that I would have had that wonderful close relationship with a sibling. Not everyone does. I have several friends with pretty ambivalent relationships with their siblings and I know a few people where it’s outright dislike. So - while it’s totally fair enough for your son to think “that would have been nice”, he hasn’t been denied something that he “should” have had. I doubt he does think any of this is your fault, to be honest - he’s just been away, met some more people and is relating their situation to his own. Talk it through with him, but try not to take it personally. I think it’s a good sign he’s happy to be so open with you.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with him and he sounds like a sensitive mature young man. I think what he is going through is very normal and I think its important that he is heard and it's not misinterpreted as an attempt to make anyone feel guilty. I think all children of a disabled sibling go through this to some extent, I know someone who has teen DC now and has been recently quite melancholy about his own childhood with a disabled sibling, he sees his kids growing up as close friends and its really hit him again as a loss. I know only children who felt the same as young adults. I actually think we all do this to some extent, especially when we leave the family home and start to assess ourselves as individuals with free will, we question decisions our parents made and try to figure out why they were as they were.

what would talking about it more when he was younger have realistically achieved? It wouldn't have changed his brother.

I agree with a pp. It's okay for him to mourn what could have been, but realistically there's no guarantee that he would have been any happier in different circumstances. He's only comparing against his peers who have close sibling relationships which, by the time you've factored in only children, siblings with large age gaps, siblings with other physical or mental health issues, and siblings who just don't get on with each other, will be a minority.

We have tried to have smaller conversations about this for the last few years. We had wills made and that really brought things to the front. Ds1 was 16 at the time and he knew what we were doing so we did have some very open conversations regarding him eventually (after uni and when/ if he wants to) having our lpa and being a trustee on ds2's trust along with a couple of other family members.

We have always spoken about the future with him in terms of him not living with his brother and his brother eventually either going into some form of supported living ideally his own home with carers. He will need life long care and has to be supported at all times he is awake.

Tell him about Sibs - for brothers and sisters. A charity supporting siblings www.sibs.org.uk

It’s great that he feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it. I also have 2 boys, DS has Down syndrome and DS2 is typical both early 20’s. Their relationship is definitely different than they’re friends in lots of ways but they also have a great relationship together. I think having a very close friend who knows both of them (was DS1’s best friend at mainstream primary and then went to secondary with DS2) helped DS2 to have an almost typical sibling relationship.

it sounds like you’re doing everything right. Just keep being there for both your boys.