Would you try for a third child in this situation?

[ThirdChildDilemma]

Name changed for this. Would you try for a third child if you were in my position?

I already have two children aged just under 4 years and 9 months. I have a frozen PGT-A tested embryo that statistically would have about 50% chance to work. Trying naturally is not an option and I wouldn’t do any more ivf rounds so if this embryo wouldn’t work it’s the end of the road and that’s ok.

Pros:

• I want another child
• DH always wanted 3. Recently he’s been saying he’s not sure anymore but I think he would be up for it if I was convinced. He’s a very hands on dad that pulls his weight and more
• The house is big enough. It has 4 bedrooms, the last bedroom is a tiny box room but we’re converting the garage for a playroom which could become a 5th bedroom in the future
• We can afford it. Private school wouldn’t be an option for 3, while it’s potentially an option with 2. However, public schools where we live are very good
• Our jobs are flexible and we work from home. I realise this is not a given and could change in the future

Cons:

• I’m 41. I’ve had two c sections so need to wait before getting pregnant again. Realistically, I would probably be 43 by the time I give birth again
• I’m a bit scared of the chaos that comes with having three. Sometimes I wonder if I’m mentally and physically strong enough to not just cope but be happy with three
• We have no family nearby. The in laws live 2h away and are not very helpful. My parents live abroad and are very hands on when they visit and on holidays but they can’t help on a day to day basis

Deep in my heart I think I know the answer but would be interested to hear other people’s thoughts.

I wouldn’t mostly due to age and the potential you can offer two that you can’t offer three. And lack of support .

I had a surprise third child at 40 with similar age gaps to yours. It is a lot of work and we are both really tired with the action packed days with three kids and the sleepless nights with our little toddler.

but is it worth it? Yes of course, he’s amazing and it’s been wonderful watching the older two grow into their big sibling roles. My mum friends all know I’m knackered and there is a bit of support there with play dates for the older two, an occasional nursery pick up for the toddler by a friend. We give as much as we take.

I do worry a bit more about the future, retirement, school and uni fees and generally getting old while my children are still young. On the other hand this has motivated me to get into shape and I am stronger and fitter than I’ve been in years.

in some ways the third child has just what is left in terms of toys, energy and resources. On the other hand they are constantly entertained by siblings and are often very happy to just fit in.

theres no easy answer except I know I struggle with the “what ifs” in life so I am always more comfortable to embrace the chaos and adventure than to turn it away. For me I often find the most joy in those decisions that come from the gut rather than the brain.

good luck with your choice.

At the other end (kids late teen) we are so glad we stopped at two. The world is so much harder now graduate job market and AI is daunting. We can pool our resources to help 2 of them 3 would have been a stretch. Plus the worry of getting them “launched” it’s bad enough with two. Also in peri menopause could not go through parenting a teen a third time and ours are lovely and relatively easy! But you may be more chilled out than me!

I wouldn't.

Your list of reasons seems to favour staying at 2

Dont go for the third. Enjoy the kids you have.
X

No I wouldn’t. I have three and it’s hard work; not so much when they’re younger - they do sort of slot in easily as babies, but it gets harder as they get older. It is mentally exhausting!
Lack of support is an issue for you too, and your age. Everything changes in your 40s!
In my case, while I don’t regret having a third - she’s lovely! - I think I’d have been a better parent to two children.

Nope not at that age.

I would.
I have 3 and I love it but obviously it's not for everybody.
Why i think you should go for it is you will always think of the embryo, I know I would anyway.
Give it a chance, if it doesn't work then that's that and you can get on with your life

Nope…but then again I wouldn’t have a third under any circumstances. 2 is more than enough for me.

Not a chance. I would want to avoid a situation where I was late 50s with a secondary school aged child that still needed support at a point when I may be wanting to focus on my own retirement planning.

My good friend had her third child when she was 44. He's 9 now and she's exhausted, menopausal and says her 50s have felt very tough so far.

Three caesareans also comes with a risk.

If you didn't already have children and this was your chance of having one I'd say go for it.....but with two healthy children at this stage of your life I wouldn't want to roll the dice again.

Absolutely no chance would I. I have three chidlren. I actually found it fairly easy when they were little but when they get a bit older and you're working then shipping three kids to hobbies non stop, parties etc it's hectic.

Then when they are teens they cost a fortune, need alot of emotional support and lifts everywhere. Then you'd also have three lots of uni costs potentially. I couldn't imagine doing what I'm doing now with my teens at late 50s/60s.

I found going from 2 to 3 my hardest transition as my youngest had colic and would be awake between the hours of 11 till 2 every night. Then had to still get the other two up and off to nursery and school. It was hard and I was 28.

I wouldn’t. I had my second child at 38 and realistically would have been at least 40 if I’d had a third.

Ideally I’d have liked three or even four, but we left it too late for that and decided that it was better to stick with two healthy children then to risk a third.

Thank you all, some great points and a fairly unanimous verdict. Sadly, i’m also leaning towards “no” but i can’t help but feel sad about it.

You’re right that a big part of it is the fact that the embryo already exists. I’ve grown strangely attached to it and feel responsible for it. If we had to start from scratch for this third baby then it would be a clear no. But since it’s already there I almost feel like it’s meant to be, which is of course irrational.

It doesn’t help that I’m currently in a happy baby bubble while on maternity leave with my youngest. I love being a parent to young children and every milestone that my baby achieves is bittersweet. I desperately want time to slow down. It doesn’t matter that the baby is a terrible sleeper, wakes up every 1-2h throughout the night.

I’m not concerned about parenting teenagers in my 50s, I will be doing that anyways. The question is how I will cope with parenting 3 teenagers vs 2. In worried about exhaustion, about disrupting the dynamic we have and about health. Rolling the dice again after having 2 healthy children is scary. Pregnancy was hard on me and it won’t get any easier.

So overall, my head says no, my heart says yes. The head will probably win but I’ll always think about the “what if”.

Yes. I would try.

All your pros (other than “I want another child”) come with massive caveats attached to them. DH always wanted three, except he actually doesn’t now. The house is big enough, except actually it’s not until several years down the line once the playroom isn’t used. You can afford it, except you’d be taking away a massive advantage you could otherwise give the existing two. Your jobs are flexible WFH, except that could change at any time.

Whereas your cons are realistic. I think that says it all.

Me personally? No, not in a milllion years. But I stopped at 1 and to me the best age is later teenage (and 4) so I don’t have much patience with babies.

You sound like you want to, and so does your Dh. That’s a different scenario.

How would you cope if your 9 month old was diagnosed with SEN while caring for a baby? If the baby had SEN?

To be fair, i only included those pros to preempt questions about bedrooms, finance etc. Having or not having a spare bedroom is no reason to have a child. There is only one true pro: the first one.

Fair point about DH: if he truly doesn’t want a third then that's end of conversation.

I think it very much depends on your energy levels and approach to parenting. I briefly considered a third in my late 30s but I was already knackered from the first two and for several other reasons I couldn’t justify it to myself. Now the two are teens and MY GOD I’m glad I stopped! They need so much time and input and I’d have felt like I was spread way too thin with three. But then I know others who had a third/fourth in their 40s and seem to thrive on the chaos, so different strokes for different folks!

I had 3 under 4. The first couple of years were fine and now it's mental. Don't do it!

I'm only 34 BTW.

Honestly OP, I'm 37 and the thought of going back to the exhausting baby/toddler days makes me feel a little bit 🤪 Mine are both mid-primary age now and I'm loving the adventures we can have which don't involve soft play and working around a rigid routine. Plus the big factor for us is standard of living - we can't quite stretch to private school, but we can comfortably afford a nice life with lovely family experiences and extra curricular opportunities for our children. Add a third into the mix and everything has to scale back. We could manage it, but we'd have to be so much more careful/restrictive about what we can afford for them to do and I just don't want to live like that.

At your age you are statistically more likely to have a miscarriage or give birth to a child with disabilities. It’s something else you need to consider.

I’m 53 and my youngest has just graduated. The thought of having a 10 year old at this point is terrifying (and I do think about it a lot as my 51 year old brother has a six year old (not planned!)). At 50 I was fit and healthy but now have a host of joint problems, as do many of my peers. We had a brief debate about a third when the youngest was two and decided that the need for a bigger car and removing private education as an option was not worth it. Every time I stay in a Premier Inn, get on a 4 man ski lift, sit round a 4 seat table on a train and essentially book any holiday, I’m really grateful that we didn’t (and they did go to private schools).

No I wouldn’t. I was thinking yes until I got to your age, but 43 is too old in my opinion when you take everything into account

I think the risk is to high the chance of having a disabled child at your and dh age is high and having a disabled child especially a severely disabled child would turn everyone's lives upside down i would enjoy the children you have

I think you’ll regret it if you don’t try, although age and odds are against you.