Overwhelmed managing four children with very different and complex needs

[Chaoshastakenover]

I am at a total loss I’m overwhelmed and struggling I have 4 dc 3 of them all have there individual needs dd14 refuses to attend school gets into trouble when she’s at school is aggressive verbally and physically gets into trouble with the police ds9 is also being difficult at school has to do everything in their time takes a hobby up gets obsessed has to have everything for hobby then packs it in can’t cope with his little sisters meltdowns so walks away pulls his own hair refuses to talk dd2 has Been referred to children’s development centre for autism and ADHD can’t cope with change noise busy places won’t wear shoes or clothes can only say one words… I can’t please any of the children the baby won’t stay with anyone so I can’t do what the older ones want to do so they get upset if I take the baby she gets overwhelmed and melts down.. I leave the house to do the school run and back food shop is delivered I can’t go to the park cos the baby won’t come off the park the 9yr old wants me to watch him do this that and the other but the baby is chasing after someone’s dog… what do I do

Make home as fun as possible and get their dad to tag team to give each individual attention.

I don't think i have any good advice, only sympathy having been there and done that when my 4 were younger.
There was a good 3 or 4 years when I rarely left the house and it was all i could do to keep my head above water.
Things do get easier as the kids get older, although it also comes with new issues.

Is the kids' dad in their lives?
Do you have family or friends who would support you?

I would maybe speak to social services about getting a carers assessment and see if they can offer some support? Your local council should publish their "local offer" online somewhere which will let you know about help they offer

No advice ,sorry, it sounds incredibly difficult and I just wanted to send a big hug and love to you x

I’ve only got two and I’m constantly stretched in different directions.
Holiday club/sports camp for the primary age ones a few times in the holidays to lighten the load.
How old is the baby? For trips to the park the baby might just have to sit in the buggy. Could the baby go to nursery as couple of times a week?

Oh one thing that helped me a bit was having a big double buggy for my 2 youngest
Number 3 was a runner, and has sensory issues, but he would be kept calm for a reasonable amount of time with the hood pulled right down over him and his tablet and some snacks.

That gave me short opportunities to do things with the 2 older ones

Unfortunately dads not here right now so I’m lone parenting until he’s home it’s just so much life is really full on there’s always one of the dc needing me I’m up all hours because none of them properly sleep dd14 is up wander about rummaging in cupboards draws making cereal ds just won’t settle dd2 still wakes through the night then because she doesn’t like the noise of the hoover I have to get up early to clean up

My 2 youngest are 2 and 9years old the 2yr old won’t go in the buggy she climbs out but then she won’t wear shoes refuses to walk or be carried it’s a constant stand off with her to the point we don’t leave the back garden but then she’s sending the dog down the slide and ds is moaning we never do anything

That does sound like a lot for one person to cope with!

When you say there Dad is not here right now, how long is that for, a week, months, longer? Is he in prison? Working away? Or just not involved?

Do you have social work involvement? You need to be honest with them about what's going on for you.

Aim to leave the house every second day at least, strap the baby in a pushchair and get on with it. They'll get used to it eventually. Your other children deserve a life outside of the house.

Prison not sure when he’s home.. getting on with it is what I do 24hrs a day I just wanted a moan really

@Chaoshastakenover Moan away my lovely, you need to get it all off your chest. This situation is not of your making, and it must be so difficult. Do you have any family living nearby?

No they disowned me years ago it’s just me and dcs for now

Was it over your children’s father?

If you ended things with him would they support you?

Thats a lot to deal with. Do any of the children have any specific diagnoses and do any of them have any support of any kind? Wondering how much of their difficulties are due to say neurodiversity vs how much is due to trauma.

How long was his sentence?

Ye in a fashion but then they wanted me to disown our dcs and walk away from them so I’m not interested they are dead to me if anyone asks about family I tell them I don’t have parents

Not sentenced yet

I think it’s 75/25 the signs of nd have always been present but I just said that’s just how dd is etc but it’s definitely more obvious now and I’m struggling to manage them single handed

Are social services involved? Not sure if that’s automatic but there may be some support for families with a parent in prison.

There is a charity called Children Heard and Scene. Get in contact - they are for children who have a parent or parents in prison. They can help you and the children. Just a small step towards putting some support in place for you all.

I don’t know what your partner has done to end up in prison, but please do think about whether he is going to be a hindrance or a help when it comes to your children’s development and emotional needs. And your own needs too…

What made you decide to have a 4th OP? You certainly haven't made your life easy when your others already have so many needs!

Does your eldest dd and ds have a diagnosis? As ND is obviously in the family I'd be wondering if their issues were down to that, I'd imagine that DS's almost certainly are but it wouldn't surprise me at all if dd is too. School refusal due to being ND is so common.

Does your OH have ADHD? The ND will have come from somewhere and men with ADHD are highly over represented in the prison system. You need to consider whether he is a good role model for the children, how do they feel about him going to prison? It is likely to have a huge impact on them and affect their behaviour too.

Do any of them have an EHCP, I think they all need one tbh.

No need for social services we don’t meet the criteria I have asked there’s no easy way to access help for the children

Even a two parent household would be drowning with multiple needs like this.
Have you looked at PDA parenting? It sounds like your DC would benefit from the scaffolding PDA can require. It's going to be hard going on you to begin with, and your already pouring from an empty cup BUT if you can muster through you might be able to create some stability for them all.

One of my DC needs very low demand, and I have to get creative about how I throw some 'demands' in there but once I have developed a new 'normal' (admittedly school have also had to play a hand in some of these) they do accept it.

Do contact any service that may be able to provide respite or support, even social services because you do need something.

What is the criteria that you don’t meet?

For DD(14) and DS(9), request meetings with their SENCOs at their schools. What support are the schools providing and what have they already tried that hasn’t worked? Request EHCNAs for the, both. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Also request alternative provision for DD(14). Have they both been referred for diagnostic assessments?

Not all ICBs commission sensory OT on the NHS, but if your area does, it is worth referrals for DS(9) and DD(2). Do you have any sensory equipment? Will either of them wear ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones?

Does DD(2) go to nursery? Also request an EHCNA for her. Has a referral to SALT been made? If your area has Portage, also look at them.

Do any of them take anything to help with sleep?

Request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and assessments of DC’s needs for them. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. If you are refused, you can challenge the decision. There may not be anything suitable, but also have a look at your local short breaks offer.

If your area has Home Start, have a look at them too.

Do they all have their own bedrooms or do they share?

You need a buggy DD(2) cannot escape from.

How old is your other DC?

You have my sympathy. I had a teen who refused school and it nearly bloody broke me and I had DH around most of the time.

My DC later got a diagnosis of AuDHD.

Im guessing that if he’s on remand it’s quite a serious charge. Has he already been tried?

If you don’t meet the level for help from SS, is there a Homestart in your area?