Friend wanting to join holiday

[Neodymium]

My dh and I are going on holiday overseas for the first time just the two of us soon. We have travelled with kids but never alone. My friend wanted to go with us but I said it’s meant to be like a 2nd honeymoon. We would rather be alone. She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2. I’m still kind of worried. They have lots of health issues and there is a fairly high chance one of them will have some problem. I feel selfish but I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist. I would rather them just go at a different time to us. I don’t know how to make it more clear though. Also I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time. Just a rant really.

Well all you can say is that there’s absolutely no way you can meet up with them due to your off the beaten track plans; and be very, very clear you will not and cannot be their safety net because your itinerary and likely distance will not allow it; but most importantly neither will your desire to have your holiday compromised with plans and company you don’t want. I’m afraid you may need to be very blunt. Good luck!

As it's a friend and not a relative, I think this is just about boundaries. Tell them you're not available at all to meet up, and mean it. Talk up how important the family time with your relative is. Emphasise the dangers of no travel insurance. And then block them for the duration.

So block their numbers?
If they say they tried to get hokd if you once youre back say yeah you turned your phones off to have the opportunity to completely switch off and just gave your dc (or whoever)an emergency contact. Or if they dont have your dps number tell them your phone broke or SIM didnt work properly abroad or whatever.

I don't think there's any point talking to them about insurance. That's you involving yourself in their holiday and instead of making them see they need official backup plans, will just reinforce to them that you're "in it together". They're adults, they already know about the importance of holiday insurance, everyone does. I'd stop discussing either yours or theirs holiday with them, put distance between you about holidaying.

No matter what you say about not meeting up, even if you say about not helping with health issues, she'll still have it in the back of her mind oh but of course neodymium is our friend and will help in an emergency if we eg need a translator in hospital or someone to help lift husband into a taxi because he's collapsed or whatever.

The fact she's even trying to hijack your holiday in the first place shows just how selfish she is and how she believes what she's doing is justified because it's what they need. Same will happen with emergencies (or even just small niggles) while away, she'll see her need as justification to bother you with it.

For anyone in this situation or who feels guilty for not helping, know that it's possible to hire support workers to holiday with you. Obviously it costs a fortune because you have to pay their wages, have 2 of them if you want 24/7 cover so they both have time off in each 24hr period and pay the full cost of their holiday too (but no fancy extras just insurance, food, accommodation, travel and entry fees to anywhere you want them to go with you). When people try to avoid this by travelling with you, this is the role they're trying to make you take, for free. It's a complete piss-take.

Honestly OP just tell her you don’t want to go on holiday with her! Why are you creating all these random excuses about travel insurance etc.? This is not a negotiation, it’s a no. She has invited herself, be as rude as her and disinvite her. Don’t fall over yourself trying to create these excuses, just be honest.

sounds like you’ll be travelling around a lot once you get there. If you don’t tell her anymore plans then she won’t know. Just say you don’t know where you’ll be and you’re moving from place to place.

I'm it was me I'd would say look, I've told you this is our second honeymoon. We plan to just be together. We won't be meeting up with you and we will gave our phones set to do not disturb.

Or the slightly more blunt
We are having a holiday for two. we will be having lots of sex and its going to be awkward if you're watching. We won't be answering our phones or meeting up with you so dont plan a trip thinking we'll change our minds on that.

Yeh I am just not mentioning it at all. I’m going about my plans. All my accomodation is booked. I booked the last 2 stops today. Most places I booked was last one left. So there won’t be any more rooms at the same places anyway.

I would so quickly go off someone who so clearly wanted to use me to make their holiday easier, despite being told clearly we didn't want company.

Real friends do not do this.
It would also make me very wary of the future with such a friend.

Two mothers in my daughters class that were part of a loose friendship group, had a falling out when one mentioned they were going on holiday to such and such a place and couldn't wait.
Another parent in the group just booked the same place and week and landed it on her that the children could entertain each other.
She was shocked and not impressed, saying they really just wanted a quiet week with the kids. All very awkward.

She quickly moved to a sister resort and never said a word.
It was viewed very poorly by the wider group and things cooled visibly between them.

Holidays are just too precious.
If someone invites you to join them fine, but inviting yourself along is very rude.

Yeah sorry, we'll be too fucking busy and vice versa.

As the more seasoned travellers I reckon you can say to them that you're travelling around to places including some where there's poor mobile reception so you're really not available.

You could point them at the FCO's guidance for the country where there's often published lists of interpreters and local professionals who speak English.

Its so rude inviting yourself to something especially a holiday!

Just a straight no were going for alone time no is a full sentence .
Just say no why the dancing around it.

They can only contact you on holiday if your phone is turned on. Say you left it at home or the hotel had rubbish WiFi x

I would just restress you don't want any commitments, family time, second honeymoon etc, but you would love to meet up for a double date when you get back, maybe even point out easy to chat without the kids around so that would be better (sure grandparent or a friend could manage a few hours!) we've had similar and caved and it ruined the holiday and we couldn't get rid of them!

Absolutely this!

I speak some of the language also

Oh god so if the wheels fall off it would start as "Could you just ... because I can't speak it" and then quickly turn into a tsunami of "I hate to ask, but ..."

Definitely go with one of the iideas about making your phone inaccessible

“Sorry Susan but we’re busy on holiday. We’ll catch up with you when we get back home.” Just be blunt.

Is there a good translation app that is best for the country you are going to? Are there international hospitals? Is there an English speaking tourist/ medical helpline that you can get and give her the number? Is there a British consulate telephone number you can give them. Do you know what is wrong with husband can you translate it for them before they go? Collate it all then say “Mildred, this is information you will need if your husband or you need assistance with anything medical or anything else. Husband and I are pretty much backpacking and will be too remote to offer any assistance when you are away if you get into difficulty.” I know it’s a lot of work, but it passes the onus onto them to deal with it as you are unavailable, and I suggest if they do ring you when you are away, quickly put your phone on airplane mode so it sounds like there is a connection error! Or temporarily block them, and enjoy your holiday.

what does your hubby think? Alternatively get hubby to tell her hubby that you love them but want time away from everyone and it would be awkward them appearing on your 2nd honeymoon. He might have more luck.

Dont tell them your plans going forward!

I would literally say to her 'How do you plan to cope on your own if Bob is ill again? I'm asking because we will not be able to help, if that's what you had in mind. You won't even be able to contact us most of the time.'

Probably best not to give out definite plans for that reason. Just make sure you don’t commit to spend any time with them. I would not tell them the hotel name or the dates. If they already know them and have booked the same that is cheeky unless you have not been clear. I would just not give out details and tell them you will not have any spare days for them.

He doesn’t want them to go with us either.

Yes I have said no to seeing them. But they are still booking to go there at the same time as us.

i never imagined that they would be able to afford to join us anyway, when I first said that we were going to see my relative there, they were in serious financial trouble, struggling to pay rent and bills. But they got something of a payout for an injury which they are just now madly spending. Including apparently on this holiday.