Friend wanting to join holiday

[Neodymium]

My dh and I are going on holiday overseas for the first time just the two of us soon. We have travelled with kids but never alone. My friend wanted to go with us but I said it’s meant to be like a 2nd honeymoon. We would rather be alone. She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2. I’m still kind of worried. They have lots of health issues and there is a fairly high chance one of them will have some problem. I feel selfish but I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist. I would rather them just go at a different time to us. I don’t know how to make it more clear though. Also I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time. Just a rant really.

I don't see why you'd have to go and assist at a hospital. Doing what - are you a health professional with expertise in his condition?

I assume the country isn't that small? But even if it's Monaco you don't have to go!

Anyway, there's a lesson here for all MNers - don't tell people where you are going on holiday. Just say you've planned a surprise trip and you'll find out at the airport where you are going (there are tour operators who genuinely do this).

They are being extremely odd, just ignore then when away and don’t respond to messages. Sometimes you have to be rude when people can’t or won’t take the hint

Just keep saying no. And whatever you do, don’t share your itinerary!

There is absolutely no reason you should be expected to cut short your holiday if they have a medical emergency. They shouldn’t travel if they can’t cope on their own (backed by their insurance). It’s an unreasonable expectation, so don’t burden yourself with it through people pleasing and a misplaced sense of guilt, especially if they haven’t actually brought up the possibility you’ll be on hand to help them.

They sound pushy and odd, tbh, and not very friendly towards you with their failure to accept your boundaries.

I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time

No but you can be more careful what you reveal to them in the future! I totally don't understand how they can be so pushy and thoughtless. Some friends!
Do they have form for this sort of behaviour? Have you had to help them out before for medical emergencies? If so, maybe they see you as some kind of reassuring travel insurance policy and may expect you to come running if they're in trouble. I presume they're elderly.
Try to find out where they're going and avoid it. Don't tell them your plans at all !!

Say you have changed your mind. You are not going. Stick to this story and lie if you have to.

Don’t allow this to happen, you have to save yourself. How dare she encroach on your holiday and stress you out!!! I would cut her off, some friend!! She is a shit bag.

Very rude of them to ask tbh, I wouldn’t careless if they were offended. It’s your special holiday, no they can’t join you, you have plans already. Or take the easier route and say your husband says no. Surely he doesn’t want them tagging along. I really can’t understand people like this that, I wouldn’t dream of imposing myself were I wasn’t invited. I honestly wouldn’t dream of it.

Have a wonderful holiday OP.

"Hi friend - nope - no chance of meeting up or even messaging! For the first time since we met DH and I will be on our own on hol and leaving the outside world behind for a couple of weeks. Our phones will be turned off as we board the plane! Happy travels, wherever you decide to go x"

And don't give ANY details of your itinerary.

Definitely don't say you'll go away with them in the future - handing yourself over as collateral - why would anyone do that?

As is often the case on here, they are not behaving like friends. They are relying on you to meet them.

Sounds like maybe you and your DH might be the travel insurance.

But why go at the same time as us then?

i suspect exactly because husband may have health issues and they want someone else around to help out.

How would you know she wants help if you didn’t answer her call or text?

Get a cheap SIM card and give that number to your kids in case of emergencies back home. Don't use your normal numbers at all during the trip. They will have no way to contact you, just enjoy your holiday and ignore them completely.
This is why I don't have friends!

Do not share your itinerary with her. Don’t discuss the holiday with her, change the subject or be really evasive.

You don’t have to be in contact with them or be nurse to her ailing DH when they’re away. If something goes wrong they’ll have to sort it.

Please don’t let them ruin your very special holiday.

Are they family OP and you’ve changed details not to be outing ..if so…be super duper clear this will be an uninterrupted get away without phone signal ..a proper old school second honeymoon.

Have a lovely time 🌅

Are you trying to hint to us, OP, that they are the kind who are going to try to 'wing it' without medical insurance (because of the husband's issues) and are therefore going to need someone to 'help' if he's taken ill on holiday?

Because there's nothing wrong in them visiting the same country as you. Countries are big, most of them. You have absolutely zero obligation to dash to their side to help if one of them is taken ill. None whatsoever. You can tell them you're hundreds of miles away if this happens, or you've gone somewhere else or you've gone home early. If they need people to help them in the case of illness, then they shouldn't be going away.

Just keep saying no

Kindly , you need to set firmer boundaries in your own mind. Why are you worrying about something that is nothing to do with you? If one of them falls ill, that's on them , they're adults and can sort their own problems out. Put them out of your mind and enjoy your holiday.

Ok yeah that would make more sense. If these are in fact relatives, particularly ones that OP and DH would normally help out with if they got ill at home, I think being very clear with everyone in advance that the phones won't be on might be the only way. Which could mean the wider family too.

Other option, if it can be done without losing money, is to change the destination/date.

I would make it clear you'll be on your second honeymoon, not meeting up with anyone while you're there, and quietly mute them temporarily on any apps/texting services while you're travelling. Don't engage.

Just say enjoy your holiday and then ignore her. It would be like both of you couples travelling to the uk. One could be in Scotland one in cornwall so nowhere near each other.

next time don’t tell her your dates or exact plans.

Any other kind would just be a waste wouldn’t it

DO NOT GIVE REASONS WHY! She will just find ways to overcome said reasons! Just say I’m sorry but we won’t be meeting with anyone for this trip, hope to see you once we’re back!

Next time she mentions it, you're going to have to say "I don't think you're understanding when I say it's a second honeymoon. We want to completely escape from the world and just be together without distraction. It's lovely you want to join us but this isn't the occasion for that".

This

The only time my phone comes out on holiday is when I’m taking pictures otherwise it’s out of sight, I don’t even like having it on me when I’m just out and about. I only carry it so my DCs can contact me.

id tell them your going old school, no phones or tech although if your staying in out of the way locations then you may not get signal anyway. As others have suggested block while your on holiday or just leave your phones off. You can leave emergency contact details with family before you go, like we did pre everyone having phones.