Friend wanting to join holiday

[Neodymium]

My dh and I are going on holiday overseas for the first time just the two of us soon. We have travelled with kids but never alone. My friend wanted to go with us but I said it’s meant to be like a 2nd honeymoon. We would rather be alone. She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2. I’m still kind of worried. They have lots of health issues and there is a fairly high chance one of them will have some problem. I feel selfish but I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist. I would rather them just go at a different time to us. I don’t know how to make it more clear though. Also I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time. Just a rant really.

So it’s your friend and her partner that want to join you? And have you agreed to meet them for a day or 2? If not just say ‘No thanks this is our 2nd honeymoon’ and keep saying it.

Er, just say no.

Message them right now, and be really really clear that you will not be seeing them on holiday! Do it today so that they don’t book and you’re not stuck with them.

Here’s a sample for you:

“Hey [Friend], I’ve been thinking more about your suggestion to visit X at the same time as DH and me.

I want to be really clear that we will not have any time to see you during our holiday. This is a second honeymoon and we are going to spend all of our time together. We will definitely not have any time to see you even if you are there.

I wanted you to be clear on that so you don’t book a trip and then feel disappointed. Look forward to catching up with you once we’re back.”

Just say that you'd love to do something next year but this year you want it to be just you two. And then don't provide any details.

Shes not getting the message, is she!
You are not being selfish at all. Your holiday is just for the two of you.

To be honest this is why it is sometimes better to keep plans vague until it is too late.

In this situation I would just keep saying no, that it is a second honeymoon for you and your dh and that you will meet up when you get back. Hopefully you have not given the exact name of where you are staying. If something happens to them when they are out there it is not your responsibility to drop everything to go to them.

Just say ‘No. That doesn’t work for us.’ Do not explain, defend or justify. If she says she will stay near by - be clear that you won’t be available. Block her on your phone whilst on holiday if she crashes it.

Give zero information and / or be very vague.

Sorry, we intend to spend the entire time in bed.

Having loud sex.

I have said no I don’t want to meet up cause it’s the honeymoon. We also travel different to them. We travel light go on trains walk everywhere. They don’t like walking far they like luxury they don’t travel light. But my rant was regardless of me saying no she’s still booking to go to the same country at the same time. So even if we don’t meet up I’m concerned with her husbands poor health he will land in hospital and we will have to cut short our plans to go assist. Which I know is not nice of me but that’s how I feel. We are spending a fortune to go. And I’ve made lots of plans to travel from place to place on trains and stuff and stay in little out the way places. And her husband getting sick is a very real possibility. He is very unwell and has a multitude of health problems. I doubt he would even get travel insurance.

Who are these people who invite themselves on other peoples’ holidays?! OP: you need to be as rude to your friend as she has been to you, and simply say NO. This is your holiday and she doesn’t get to decide what you do and when. I don’t understand how this sort of thing happens. Who just invites themselves like this?

Yes I did say that. The one place in this country her husband is keen to visit I made very clear was at the bottom of our list and we were not going there.

I know!! She said she wants to have time for themselves too. But why go at the same time as us then? Also it’s not the typical time of year for travel to that country either. So it’s weird cause it’s not the best weather and she seemed surprised today when I said it will be freezing

You clearly intend to be travelling around so won't be in the same place as then most of the time. You cannot be expected to travel to wherever they are if he gets ill. No one is putting that on you but you. You need to release yourself of that expectation. It's not there.

Firstly, you can absolutely just say “No, sorry - like I said, we’re treating it like a second honeymoon and we’re not up for socialising with anyone.”

Secondly, no, you wouldn’t ‘have to’ drop everything to assist them if one of them ended up needing to go to hospital. You’re not their carers and you’re not obliged to step in and sort things out for them; you need to learn to mute messages and stop feeling like you have to be at their beck and call. They would have to manage in exactly the same way any other couple would manage. Like a previous poster said - you’ve put that expectation on yourself, and it’s you that needs to remove it.

Just say. Sorry. ... This is alone time for me and hub we don't intend on seeing anyone else

Just message her saying that your plans will involve lots of train and walking trips to out of the way places so you won't be able to meet up, especially as you are unlikely to have a reliable phone signal. Then ignore any messages or calls frim them. If her dh is ill she can deal with it herself or ask a family member to join them.

If her husband gets ill then it is her problem to deal with. Just because you are in the country does not mean that you have to drop everything to help out. Would you fly out to them if they were abroad and you are at home.

You need to be clear with your friend that (a) you will not be meeting up (b) if anything goes wrong you are not to be contacted by them, their family, friends, rep or hospital. They clearly have not respect for you or your husband.

Switch your phone onto airplane mode.. Your messages from her won't get through. Yabu to assume any responsibility for either of them even if they fall ill...

I would just be tempted to temporarily block them on socials and delete their phone number as soon as you leave for your holiday

From your posts I assume this has happened before- you've had to attend to them in hospital?
Maybe suggest to her that she's better off doing a staycation given the state of her dhs health.

I would explain that you've got plans for every day and really can't meet up.

I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist

Why? You're not family, a hospital in said foreign country wouldn't let you in to help if you're not a relative, you can't sort out a travel insurance claim for them if it happened.

Just put this scenario entirely out of your mind. You would not have to drop everything to go and assist.

Agree with this. There is no way I would go on holiday with a couple who had made it clear it was time for them only.

This is not normal interaction with a friend.

First she invites herself and then doesn't accept No.

I would step completely away from someone like that.

She doesn't recognise that you have the right to say No.

Seriously weird. Cut her off.

Brilliant - you wont be able to help then