Friend wanting to join holiday

[Neodymium]

My dh and I are going on holiday overseas for the first time just the two of us soon. We have travelled with kids but never alone. My friend wanted to go with us but I said it’s meant to be like a 2nd honeymoon. We would rather be alone. She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2. I’m still kind of worried. They have lots of health issues and there is a fairly high chance one of them will have some problem. I feel selfish but I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist. I would rather them just go at a different time to us. I don’t know how to make it more clear though. Also I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time. Just a rant really.

Omg how annoying! This would really irritate me as no matter how much I told myself "they're not your problem" it would be at the back of my mind the whole holiday whether they were going to message me, whether we should meet up etc.

I think a PPs suggestion of blocking their number just when you're on holiday is a good one. You can unblock them and check messages at certain points if you like but don't be tempted to respond in real time.

The problem with that message is that it reads as though the issue is the type of holiday. Imv it’s better to say “we don’t want to meet anyone on our holiday.”

Why would you have to drop everything and help? You don't. You are on holiday.
Their health issues are for them to manage, however nice they might be as friends.

Yeah you just have to keep firmly politely declining.
'Its definitely just going to be Bob and I, as I keep saying, we want it to be like a second honeymoon. We can definitely do a holiday together at some point. But just not this one.'
If they huff about it or keep asking just change the subject. They seem weird to not take no for an answer.

I mean they could just go to that place anyway, you can't stop them. And then they ring you and say I'm in the same hotel...then you say you've just moved to another resort...gawd they'd be like stalkers!

Gosh @Neodymium are they actually your friends? Why??
yes agree with phone on airplane mode - set to do not disturb and you can choose who can get through (not them!)

I agree with PPs - block their numbers just while you're away. If they ask at any point why you weren't getting their messages just say your signal was bad, you lost your phone, etc and brush it off. You've said you're busy and have lots of plans and that's that. If her husband gets ill they'll have to deal with it like grown ups.

It's bloody bizarre though. Our friends would be distancing themselves from us if we tried to do something like this.

I don't really see the problem.

You'll all be in the same country at the same time. So what? You & are are probably in rhe same country right now. Signifying nothing.

Your expectations of a holiday are diametrically opposed: you travel light, they don't, so even if you had the misfortune to be on the same flight you'd have skipped through passport control etc with your hand luggage before they even arrived at the luggage carousel.

They'll be in some swankey 5 star hotel with cocktails from the pool bar while you're hiking up some mountain to sample the local cheeses and wines.

When her DH has his health crisis you'll be on the other side of the country with no mobile phone reception. Won't you?

We had friends decide they wanted to come on our special few days for a significant wedding anniversary. They announced they had booked the same hotel as “a surprise”! They knew we were going away and asked us about where and I never ever thought it was to get info and join us! I was very annoyed and it makes you secretive in future. I definitely would have said no if it had been telegraphed in advance. It’s cheeky and rude.

You need better boundaries for starters. You will not have to cut short any holiday plans to go and help.

Make it clear that you will be turning off your phones as you are having some ‘good quality couple time, adventuring on our own, the way we did when we first met yada yada… ‘

So pleased to be getting away from it all!

And add in some dire warnings- I really wouldn’t go with John, the climate won’t be good for him. Are you sure your insurance will cover him for pre existing conditions? You know we won’t be in the same area, don’t you? It’s a big country and we aren’t doing x, y and z.

She sounds incredibly thick-skinned and impervious to any hints, so I would change my plans if necessary to ensure they had no idea of where I would be and when. And then turn my phone off whilst on holiday.

Why is that your problem?
Can you have a big fall out before you go? Then you'll never have to put up with this again.
Can you change your dates/location if you're not prepared to be firm with her?

Can you block them both while you are away so even if they try to contact you they won't be able to? And blame it on your phones not working abroad

OP might not want to ‘do something’ with them next year, or any other year.

Jeez, I've got secondhand embarrassment for her, take the hint lady. Of all the places and times she's wanting to do the same as you. I hope she takes the hint and leaves you alone, wishing you a lovely holiday.

I agree with this - why would they need you if the husband has a medical emergency? What an odd scenario...

Her hubby and his health issues are not your problem. Dont tell them where you are staying and dont answer their messages.
I hate it when people try and muscle in on others' plans, it just changes the whole vibe and spoils it, Imho

Yeah, she's relying on you as backup in the event that her DH becomes unwell, which is totally unfair given that you and your DH are having your second honeymoon. This holiday is about you as a couple, not your friends!

I'd stop mentioning the holiday and not share any further details of your plans. If she asks, say that you don't want to talk about it. Also, if it's at all possible to shift your travel dates, even by a few days, I'd do it!

These situations mystify me - i would NEVER invite myself onto someone else's holiday!

It’s really simple, OP. Don’t meet up, mute them or block them for the week and enjoy your 2nd honeymoon.

Tell her, “Ok, I hope you enjoy your holiday but as I said, it’s our second honeymoon and we will be spending the time just the two of us with our phones switched off, so we’ll catch up with you once we’re all home.”

And stick to it. Block them for the week, and have your holiday. Stop behaving like a martyr, you do not need to see or speak to them no matter what health issues they have on their holiday. Ignore it all.

If she mentions it again, I'd say to her that you hope you have made yourself clear on this subject already. You still love her but if she books herself onto basically the same holiday while you are having a honeymoon style romantic break, you wouldnt be impressed, especially knowing how you feel about it.

Yes, I wouldn't just block her on your phone while you're on holiday (although I'd definitely do that too!). I'd make it clear well in advance that you were going to be "turning your phone off" for the whole holiday, and wouldn't be contactable at all.

If she and her husband are dumb enough to start travelling to a random foreign country when he is likely to need emergency medical help at any moment, then they can do it knowing that they are on their own once they get there.

Oh dear me no! 😁

That's leaving the window open for the friend to insist on coming next time.

we will have to cut short our plans to go assist

You know you don't have to do that.

You might choose to do it but that's on you then. Just turn off your phone and enjoy your holiday with your husband. Otherwise, what's the point in going?

Don't explain and don't make excuses. Things like "We won't really be able to see you" or "It won't be suitable for Bob" are just a negotiating point to people with a social hide like a Kevlar rhino. They use them to wheedle their way in: "Oh but we'll only catch up one evening maybe" and then you won't be able to get rid of them for the entire trip, or "We'll just go along with your plans" which will really be them whinging and whining until everything is their way.

Just say no, it doesn't work for you, and leave it there. Repeat as many times as necessary but do not go into further details.