Friend wanting to join holiday

[Neodymium]

My dh and I are going on holiday overseas for the first time just the two of us soon. We have travelled with kids but never alone. My friend wanted to go with us but I said it’s meant to be like a 2nd honeymoon. We would rather be alone. She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2. I’m still kind of worried. They have lots of health issues and there is a fairly high chance one of them will have some problem. I feel selfish but I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist. I would rather them just go at a different time to us. I don’t know how to make it more clear though. Also I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time. Just a rant really.

It goes straight to voicemail, as if the phone was switched off. The person doesn't know they've been blocked, unless they get suspicious that your phone is never on and get someone else to call from another number. Then when the other person gets ringing literally seconds after the blocked ones call goes to voicemail, the blocked ones know they've been blocked.

Any texts go into a blocked messages folder and you don't get a notification you have a text. So you can go looking for blocked messages if you want, but if you don't do that you'll never know you have them.

OP use this hijacking of your holiday to disengage permanently from these people. Even if they're relatives. They're not friends, they're stressing you out, they're being extremely selfish and they're trampling all over your boundaries. That's 4 very good reasons to never speak to them again.

Don't bother with all the explanations and attempts to pacify them etc. If they won't accept a "no" after they've rudely invited themselves on your holiday, then just switch off your phones when you leave for the airport.

You don't need a phone on holiday anyway. You're together! Nobody else needs you. Even horrific things like someone dying while you're away - they'll be no less dead if you cut your holiday short and return home, so just enjoy your time in peace and whatever is going back home will still be there when you return. Relax and properly switch your minds off, knowing you're uncontactable for the next two weeks. That's part of what a holiday is about.

If you want to get online buy a cheap local phone and SIM.

If you choose to just block them but leave phones switched on, be prepared to ignore any calls from unknown numbers or from anyone who isn't eg your children (and make it clear to DC not to contact you about these people no matter what). You don't want to have to be fielding calls on their behalf. Just knowing something has gone wrong with the guy's health will stress you out and spoil your holiday, even if you don't help at all. Try not to be on the same flight as them either.

Don't get the issue. What more advice do you need? Wish her a nice holiday, inform her you are both silencing all msgs/calls to enjoy your holiday and then mute and archive the other couple until the end of your holiday. Job done.

Just say no, you gave your reason and you are not being selfish because it is your holiday with your DH.

She may be trying to guilt you or make you question yourself ( gas lighting)

Some people just don't get the message and she has not taken no for an answer so you be direct and give her a short explanation then follow it up with a txt.

She will soon learn!

No not family but good friends for a number of years. Dh is also good friends with the husband.

I never dreamed when I told them they would want to attend. They were in all kinds of financial woes at the time but they have managed to sort that out and now have money.

the country we are visiting is an Asian country. We are quite seasoned travellers (with kids) including to this country and they are not. That is why I think they want to be there at the same time. I speak some of the language also.

we can’t change the date unfortunately. It’s kind of outing to say why but basically my relative lives in this country and is involved in an event that we are going there for. That’s why we decided that we go for a few weeks and make a holiday of it. The event is the final week.

No not parents. My mum has said before she would love to travel with us but can’t travel the way we do. We did 6 weeks round Europe with the kids and backpacks. Walked everywhere, like 20-30k steps on an average day. No luggage caught trains everywhere. We stay only 1 or 2 nights in most places. To be honest my dh is less like that than me but then I would just go out alone if he needed a nap in the afternoon.

we did a holiday once (not overseas) with these friends and their kids and our kids and never again. But that was mostly their kids that were the issue. But they are more go to a resort and drink by the pool type people. That’s not really us.

I would just lie and say you’ve cancelled. Turn your phone off while there

Do they know your itinerary or where your relative is based/this event is taking place @Neodymium ? Any chance of them just turning up where you are? I don’t really understand how they think they are going to link up with you if they are likely to be based in a single place (that you don’t want to go to) and you are travelling around and seeing a relative.

If course they can't say they've cancelled. They'd have to swear every other friend, relative and acquaintance to secrecy, to get away with that. It's bound to come out that they went.

Have they actually booked the flights?

Honestly, I don't see any other option than to say straight out, that you will not be meeting them at any point. That this trip is about focusing on each other, and at the end, focusing on your relative's event. You need to make it clear that their presence will not be appropriate at any stage.

Wtf

Yes that’s exactly what I think. She wants to go to this country and so does her husband but they haven’t travelled before so it’s a safety net for them that we will be there too

This, but I would reduce contact with them now so they start getting the message. You need to start distancing yourself from them now otherwise you will get sucked into their plans once on holiday

No they haven’t booked flight yet. Though to be fair neither have we. I’ve been watching the flights and with this war going on the prices went up. They have been slowly coming down but I will be booking soon.

pretty much all my accommodation is booked though except for the final week with relative.

Which is all the more reason to do what I suggested just above your post. It makes it clear that you will not be available to then at any point. Not even to meet up for a day, never mind be a safety net.

Then there's time to say "I'm getting the impression that you're booking to go to (country) because you think we'll be there for you in some way. I really need to make it clear that we will not be seeing you at any point. As I said, this is a second honeymoon and DH and I will be solely focused on each other. At the end of the trip we will see my relative, and as s/he sees so little of us, it's important that s/he has our full presence.
I really don't want you to waste your money if you're under a misapprehension that we will be available to you"

not really, they know where my relative lives but but it’s a small town in the country so I doubt they would go there. They want to go to the cities which we aren’t that fussed on.

ive booked 2 of the 3 weeks and staying only 2 nights at each place. We are literally travelling from one side to the other. Mostly on trains. I don’t think she would know the itinerary from memory to be honest I need to look at my booking app to see the names of all the little places we are going to to remember them.

I would be really firm with her. 'this is our 2nd honeymoon, we are doing it alone and have been planning it for ages. It's a very active holiday and we don't want to be accommodating others whilst we are there. If you want help planning your trip then I can help you but you should really look at going during X month as that's when they have the best weather'

Sigh...this happened to me once, we ended up falling out over it (no big dramatic blow up, just really distanced after it). Me and DH (boyfriend at the time) were going on our first holiday together. I'd been discussing holidays with friend as general conversation a few weeks earlier, and she was saying she didn't really fancy that destination and her and her boyfriend were going somewhere else later in the year. When I told her we'd booked it, suddenly they decided they fancied it and wanted to go the exact same week as us, she kept saying it'll be so much fun. I politely kept saying it was our first holiday and we were looking forward to some time just us (we socialised with them a lot at home) but she wouldn't drop it. In the end she asked if I minded them going the same week, I kept things friendly but said of course they can go but we probably wouldn't be meeting up with them whilst away. Things were very awkward after for a very long time!

OP, could you perhaps suggest going on another trip at a later date with them (e.g. this is our 2nd honeymoon so we're looking forward to it just being us, but why don't we look at booking something for october together?) You could even possibly do a UK break so not as stressful i health issues pop up.

yes possibly we could do a weekend away with them. We have been talking about that. We just like to do our own thing though. Local holidays for us tend to be camping.

did your friend end up going?

If her DH's health issues are common knowledge and especially if it's something she's previously moaned to you about at all, it might be worth having a conversation with her about how she intends to cope on holiday with him. To ask her point blank if they've managed to find affordable insurance and, especially if they haven't, point out how horrible it will be for her on her own trying to navigate it all. Ask her if they've identified the best hospital or local specialist for whatever her DH has. If they are still working ask her if she's put anything in place so that she can work remotely for a while if she has to stay.

Do this anyway, even if she ends up realising she shouldn't be following your holiday destination, because she's your friend who is putting herself in a risky situation. But it is also an opportunity to say something along the lines of - "Margo, you realise we can't be your insurance policy? If Jerry falls ill while we're in the country, we aren't coming to your rescue. You need proper plans."

What a pity that your normal phone packed up/was in for repair just before you went away and you had to take a burner so no one could reach you.

Yes I think I will have a conversation about health insurance. My dh had his own health issue about 5 years ago and we pay a huge premium to cover it as a pre-existing condition

I always kept my holiday plans vague when I was travelling solo around the middle east. My mother world have had a heart attack at the idea of my going to places like Syria or Iran. I gave my contact details to one relative with strict instructions not to reveal them. He was also not to contact me if anyone was ill or dead. I am not a doctor so I cant cure them. I am not god so I cant raise the dead. When you go on holiday you dont want to take a load of emotional baggage with you.

Your friends are baggage. Change your travel plans and don't tell them.

Change your plans if you can, or make it clear you won't be available to help. I'm a solid no tag-alongs person, but even I've been caught out by a CF friend at the last minute, despite efforts to avoid it.

DM is my issue now. She said recently ohhhh perhaps we should come with you. We didn't book our preferred destination because she said she wanted to go there too. Booked somewhere unappealing to her!

She's now booked a trip, but is trying to find someone to go with them. She admitted (what I knew) she wants someone to help her with DF. DB once travelled with them once & DB/SIL/DNs & ended up hiding in a cafe for some alone time & and saw her looking through the window to try & find them. She was hurt they wanted some time alone & was searching.

Holidays are too precious. Be ruthless!!!

Mention the health insurance at the same time as mentioning how much you and your husband are looking forward to quality ALONE time as a couple for your second honeymoon. If she insists on booking that is her own issue. You have stated your side and if she cant take the hint you dont want her there then that is solely on her. Go and enjoy your holiday and seeing your rellies and just mute your phone while away.