Friend wanting to join holiday

[Neodymium]

My dh and I are going on holiday overseas for the first time just the two of us soon. We have travelled with kids but never alone. My friend wanted to go with us but I said it’s meant to be like a 2nd honeymoon. We would rather be alone. She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2. I’m still kind of worried. They have lots of health issues and there is a fairly high chance one of them will have some problem. I feel selfish but I know if they had a major issue and landed in hospital and we were in the same country we would have to drop everything to go assist. I would rather them just go at a different time to us. I don’t know how to make it more clear though. Also I know I can’t stop them being in the country at the same time. Just a rant really.

I think she's been really rude to book for the same dates and country after your discussion. Agree with others that you should block her while you're away, and I would tell her you're going to too. I think that makes it very clear that you are looking for a complete break and feel she's massively overstepped. It also means that should they end up with a health crisis, they will have to make whatever arrangements they would if you didn't just happen to be in the same country as them.

When you get back, decide if you want to remain friends with someone who will do this. It may be she's worth it in other ways, or that your don't normally feel this way about someone with boundaries like hers, but I would not find that compatible with friendship.

If your worry that you’ll end up having to support them whikst one of them is in hospital, then id tell them you and your dh ate very keen on cutting all communications (with anyone) to concentrate on the two of you.

So phones will be off for the duration of the trip.

Just say no, not on this occasion.

I've never had to block anyone on my phone, but what happens if they ring it ... does it say "this number isn't available" or something else?

Because if it's the first OP could always say the thing broke ...

Change the date of at all possible. And don’t tell them.

Why would you have to go and assist her husband ?
She's there
You don't all have to pitch up at the hospital for a day out
I'd just say no

I really don't understand the problem?

You keep saying you told them no, so just stick to it 🤷‍♂️

Can you tell her that you will be turning your phones off, while you are on holiday, @Neodymium? Say you are doing this so you can focus on your time together - then at least she might realise that, if her dh does have a medical issue, you won’t be contactable, and she will have to deal with it herself.

Just be blunt.

No. That doesn’t work for us. We are on our honeymoon. We won’t be meeting up, and we will not be contactable. We are spending our time together, and don’t want to meet up.

If that fails: Look Brenda, me and Husband will be shagging for the whole holiday and will not be leaving the bedroom!

Do they have a travel insurance? If so there is no need for you to go and assist.
It’s ok for have boundaries. You have made your feelings clear and she isn’t listening.

You say hope you have a lovely holiday. Unfortunately as this is a second honeymoon we plan to have the time to ourself unplugged so please don’t be offended when we don’t reply to messages. We are very much looking forward to time away including from our phone.

Definitely stand firm. If they take offence that’s on them, you should be offended that they are not respecting your much needed time away with just your husband.

She said that was ok we could just meet up for a day or 2 She’s got zero intention of only meeting you for a day or two. And even if she did, that’s a day or two you’ve lost from your own holiday. She’s trampling on your boundaries because she knows that if she just keeps coming at you, you’ll never say no to her and she’ll end up getting her own way.

Send your friend this message ‘Hi Cheeky Fucker, I’ve been thinking more about our respective holiday arrangements and I’m a bit concerned that you didn’t hear me when I said we were unavailable. Even if we did want company, you like 5 star hotels and excursions to <insert awful place here> while we like hostels and hiking up mountains, so all four of us would be having a miserable time, and we’ve paid too much for that to happen, so we’ll see you when we get back as we’re going incommunicado that week and blocking every single person on our contact list’.

If she argues back against that, or says ‘that’s fine, we’ll just do a day trip or a couple of dinners’ then the only solution is to reply that she’s definitely not hearing you, you said no thank you, you didn’t invite her to your first honeymoon so you definitely don’t want her on your second honeymoon and that this is something you’re willing to fall out over.

I’d also ask how they’ve managed to get travel insurance, tell them you’d be too scared to go to sleep at night if it were you, wondering how you’d cope with a medical emergency in a strange country, a presumably unknown language and really minimal help available from the British Embassy/consulate etc.

Block her now. Ghost her. Do whatever it takes. She's not a friend, she's just latched on to your life.

Then change your destination, otherwise you'll probably end up on the same plane.

It'll be worth the cost.

I have a feeling she wants to go where you are because she wants you and your DH there as replacement travel insurance. So if it all goes tits up, she will be on to you for help.
No.
If her own husband is that ill what on earth are they going abroad for? I know sick people do travel but it sounds very convenient. I think she wants a break from him as well and doesn’t want to be on her own so you are a solution.
No again.

So even if we don’t meet up I’m concerned with her husbands poor health he will land in hospital and we will have to cut short our plans to go assist No you won’t. She’s just got you into such a state that you’ve convinced yourself that you would have to. You are not her Plan B or her emotional support friend and she does not come before your husband. There would be nothing you could realistically do other than sit holding her hand, and you’d be doing it under duress, knowing that she’s bulldozed her way into spending your trip with her after all. The friendship will be dead in the water. If she likes luxury and five star travel, then she can afford to fly someone else out to support her.

To be fair her husbands health problems don't affect you, harsh as that sounds they should not be your responsibility, and they should only be booking if they can manage any health crisis that crops up. Just keep repeating that your plans are just for 2, and you look forward to swapping memories when you return

Is this really your parents who want to tag along in the hope that you'll 'mind' them if one falls ill? Otherwise I can't see how you'd be guilted into meeting a friend when you've already said no.

Can you not just say 'no, because we don't want to'?

Oh God no. You're going to have to be firm here.

Like other people have said.

There are some good ideas of how to word it so just tweak some of the suggestions for something that will land with your friend without causing a massive upset but at the same time letting her know its a hard no.
Good luck.

👏

It reads like one set of parents doesn't it? If that's the case, I think turning the phone off for a week and perhaps buying a SIM to put in an old phone for the week would be the way to go. If the kids are young enough that someone else is looking after them, they and only they can have the number.

Just block their numbers temporarily while you are away as someone suggested.

She's being a CF and if she is a friend (not close relative), it's a friendship I would be taking a massive step back from. She's bulldozing all your boundaries.

“That doesn’t work for us”