Worried DD is not ready for university halls

[4ofCups]

Hi,

So I need to start by saying, alongside the sadness, I am of course incredibly proud and excited for her. She has struggled getting here and it was a bit of a bumpy ride, but she managed to get into her chosen uni, which she starts in September after deferring a year.

She is likely on the ASD/ADHD spectrum and has mostly struggled socially. She is sociable, but has had trouble fitting in and comes across as rather quirky. Very mature in some ways, rather immature in others, which is a classic ASD trait I believe.

Anyway, because she has lacked friendships she hasn't really gone down the usual teenage path of going out to parties etc and so her independence has been a little slow also. She does have a few friends, but sees them very rarely. She is also struggling to find a job since she lost her first one (business closed) so this isn't helping with developing her social skills either. I definitely feel like she gone back a bit, which was the opposite of the plan for her gap year!

With all this in mind, I feel like I'm probably worrying a lot more than the average parent and I know every parent finds this part very difficult, but I'm honestly just a bit of mess.

Every time I think about her leaving, I freak out and just don't believe she's ready for such a jump. She could actually commute in, but we actively encouraged her staying in halls (she does want this), mostly for her personal/social development, but I'm wondering now if that was the wrong move.

Also, the sadness - It's just overwhelming. I cry about it so much. She is my only child and I honestly can't believe that she'll be leaving in a few months.

DP believes uni will be the making of her and it's a good way of transitioning into adulthood and independence without being thrown into the deep end. I do understand that, but I still worry she may not cope.

And then of course there's just the general worrying for her safety 😵‍💫 She really isn't streetwise and as I've said, hasn't really done the "normal" teen partying, so this will all be very new to her.

I would really like to hear from anyone who can relate to this and if anybody has any words of wisdom, I'd be incredibly grateful.

Thanks very much.

@4ofCups , honestly and with kindness it sounds to me like you and not your daughter isn’t ready for this. I get that actually, I was heartbroken when both of mine went to uni despite being incredibly proud of and pleased for them.
This is the absolute end of the childhood years and your child is about to cross a rubicon, some of us find that harder to come to terms with than others but we must.
As parents if we love our children we have to acknowledge there is a time we have to let them go. If we tread this difficult path carefully and respectfully we are usually rewarded with adult children who chose to keep us close in their lives.
It’s not easy at first, the house felt very empty to me but you get used to it and it’s glorious when they come home for the holidays. Enjoy what you have now because all too soon she will spread her wings even further. You have a different place in her life now but it’s still an important one. 💐

I agree with your dp, I think Uni is a great opportunity for her where there'll be lot's of others in the same situation, this helps form friendships.
She is at a great advantage not being too far from home. I would encourage her to stay in halls but also make it clear she can come home any night she wants/needs to. You could maybe even make it a regular thing like she comes home every wednesday or something. I bet this would help your anxiety too.

Honestly .... crying about a DD going to university is not normal. And it will not help her. She needs you to be upbeat and positive.

Organise a trip.out with her to buy the bits she needs .... make it an adventure!

I have 3 adult DDs so have done this 3 times and not a tear shed. They all.had their quirks that might have added to.the challenge (one dyslexic) but I just made sure they knew they could get hold of me whenever they needed and kissed them goodbye.

The uni will be heaving with young people in exactly the same boat .... finding their way around, finding their feet, finding their tribe. It is a challenge, but what you need to convey to her is that you have faith in her to weather this transition whilst at the same time making sure she knows she can ring at any time. And if she does, don't go straight into rescue mode ..... help her to work out how she can solve it herself. And please do not cry!