Worried DD is not ready for university halls

[4ofCups]

Hi,

So I need to start by saying, alongside the sadness, I am of course incredibly proud and excited for her. She has struggled getting here and it was a bit of a bumpy ride, but she managed to get into her chosen uni, which she starts in September after deferring a year.

She is likely on the ASD/ADHD spectrum and has mostly struggled socially. She is sociable, but has had trouble fitting in and comes across as rather quirky. Very mature in some ways, rather immature in others, which is a classic ASD trait I believe.

Anyway, because she has lacked friendships she hasn't really gone down the usual teenage path of going out to parties etc and so her independence has been a little slow also. She does have a few friends, but sees them very rarely. She is also struggling to find a job since she lost her first one (business closed) so this isn't helping with developing her social skills either. I definitely feel like she gone back a bit, which was the opposite of the plan for her gap year!

With all this in mind, I feel like I'm probably worrying a lot more than the average parent and I know every parent finds this part very difficult, but I'm honestly just a bit of mess.

Every time I think about her leaving, I freak out and just don't believe she's ready for such a jump. She could actually commute in, but we actively encouraged her staying in halls (she does want this), mostly for her personal/social development, but I'm wondering now if that was the wrong move.

Also, the sadness - It's just overwhelming. I cry about it so much. She is my only child and I honestly can't believe that she'll be leaving in a few months.

DP believes uni will be the making of her and it's a good way of transitioning into adulthood and independence without being thrown into the deep end. I do understand that, but I still worry she may not cope.

And then of course there's just the general worrying for her safety 😵‍💫 She really isn't streetwise and as I've said, hasn't really done the "normal" teen partying, so this will all be very new to her.

I would really like to hear from anyone who can relate to this and if anybody has any words of wisdom, I'd be incredibly grateful.

Thanks very much.

@WhereAreWeNow Yes, it does feel that way 😬

I agree with @OrcasRockabout getting a diagnosis now, especially for ADHD as that comes with treatment which is very effective.

A lot of people discover they have ADHD (and probably also autism) when they start university because of the extra demands compared with being at school and living with parents. And this is what happened to DC2. What I found with DC2 was that they were were getting their uni work done but nothing else - so I ended up having to book doctor appointments and the driving test was not cancelled because clicking a link in a text was too much. DC2 has slow language processing. It wasn’t an issue at school but when they went to a lecture in person, they had no idea at the end what the lecture was about. They watch the recordings and pause them instead of attending in person, which works well.

i also think your DH is right about uni being good for your DD. DC2 has thrived there.

You’ve obviously never been on MN HE boards during freshers and the first term - the ‘empty nest syndrome’ is very real. I didn’t suffer from it myself but I think it’s not that the parent is sad that the child has reached the next stage, it’s that they themself have. It s completely within normal parameters and of course the parents keep their tears to themselves.

@4ofCups

I have experience of this from both sides.

I was the only child of a very anxious homebody mother who I was extremely close to. I knew that what I needed at 18 was a big break to be on my own. So I chose a university a five hour drive away.

Despite what she was worrying about inside my Mum was nothing but positive to my face and even saying goodbye on drop off day at my halls she gave me a big hug and a positive smile and said have a good time.

I found out years later that she had sobbed non stop all five hours drive home - my poor Dad was driving.

Don’t let your DC see those tears!

However from the other side I understand those tears. Last year because of a family medical situation we decided to send DD15 to boarding school. Even though she comes home most weekends I felt bereft to the point of tears for the first few weeks.

What worked was reminding myself why this was a much better situation for her and all the advantages she is getting with her new school. She’s also thriving and has made friends and is loving the experience - it did take about four weeks to get to loving it though.

Now I still miss her but it doesn’t feel painful - it feels right. You’ll get to that place too by reminding yourself that she’s doing something very positive for her future. Just keep the tears hidden until then.

Oh OP, I can relate to this so much! My DD (who sounds quite similar to yours: naive, not streetwise, and possibly ND) went off to uni last September and I had lots of middle-of-the night worries and tearful times, before and after she left! I think it's pretty normal (especially as she's your only child!) despite what some posters say.

I wrote a long list of things that I thought she needed to know about...alcohol, drugs, sex, shared kitchen/bathroom etiquette etc and went through them all with her before she went...obviously we'd discussed most of them already at some point, and she'd covered them in school PSHE lessons too, but I tried to consider them in a university student context - for example, looking out for friends who have had too much to drink. There are a few threads on Mumsnet that are really good for this sort of thing, eg www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/3677731-ds-going-to-uni-what-life-skills-have-i-forgotten-to-teach-him#:~:text=We%20got%20a%20few%20pictures,1%202%203%204

It sounds like you have a great set-up planned: living in halls (which will help her social and life skills enormously) but close enough for you to be of practical help when required, and so she can get home easily and decompress. My DD is in halls (which in her case is a flat with shared kitchen and bathroom). It's generally been fine, and she has made friends and will be living in a shared house next year with her new friends. She isn't really a big drinker or party person but there are lots of like-minded students nowadays! When I was at uni, Freshers Week was all about drinking but now they seem to have activities for everyone, for example crafts, fancy dress, board games.

Get yourself onto WIWIKAU - there will be lots of parents who have concerns just like yours, and lots of good ideas too.

This was us last year. Autistic daughter, advanced and v wise in some ways, but also quite behind her peers in others ways. Had had friends at school but had never really felt seen or understood and was generally quite lonely. Got into a great uni on our doorstep so could have stayed at home. I am so glad she didn’t. She has had a transformative experience. It has been amazing and she’s loved it. Yes, there have been tough times and heightened anxiety and overwhelmed occasionally but the positives have far outweighed the negatives. I think luck has played a part as she’s honestly made such a lovely group of friends in her hall of residence. It wouldn’t have happened if she’d stayed home. Really good luck to your daughter. Your post so resonated with how I was feeling this time last year.

Is there a reason she hasn’t been assessed, OP? If she’s on board, I would push ahead with that asap. Student Disability Services aren’t going to have much they can offer someone who hasn’t actually met diagnostic criteria, but they’re great once you have and are registered with them. In fact, I’d do what @OrcasRock says in her good post. Obviously your daughter needs to take the lead on this.

DD is AuDHD and now coming towards the end of her first year at uni. She is 3.5hr drive/4 hr train trip away from us. She is in Lincoln and we were really impressed with the level of support. She also has mentoring via the DSA funding.

Like your DD, ours had issues with friendships and never went the typical party/going out route during 6th form.

I wouldn't say it's all perfect but we are utterly surprised how well it works. She was able to choose a quite flat, that means no guests after 8pm, no loud noise. I think all of them are somewhere on the spectrum.

She clicked with several of her flatmates and does go out to the pub or a club but not every weekend.
She joined a couple of societies, I think one mainly because one of her flatmate did but at least she gets out of her room once a week and it's something she feels comfortable doing.

She really grew up and is a lot more independent now.

His was my nephew. Also no formal diagnosis but lots of traits and definite social struggles. Never really had friends. He did go to uni but lasted six weeks and came home. Took a year out and started again at a different uni travelling in.
His confidence and self esteem really took a knock tbh. I would follow some of these excellent suggestions to prepare her as much as you can. Sadly, my IL’s have had head in sand for years (and continue to do so) about his issues. He is just completing his course but still never found his tribe.
Another friend’s son, likely ASD came home every weekend. That was a good compromise which seemed to work.

It is hard for students like yours (and mine). I found it useful to go the uni city with them before and explore, catch a taxi etc. so they knew how to get home alone. I encouraged them to arrange contraception before they went. One joined some freshers WhatsApp chats for “non clubbers” and met up with them initially. One of mine was dreading the catered halls she was allocated but actually met great friends and future housemates at dinner within the first term. My other dd chose a quiet, self catered en-suite flat but took a lot longer to settle as there was no reason to get out and mix. They both loved uni in the end even if the first year was wobbly.

OP, your dd needs to fly the nest and you have to let her take on whatever responsibilities she thinks she can cope with.

My ds is going in September too. He has never touched alcohol - his choice - and isn't the party type, but he's sensible and I know he will be fine.

You have to let them grow away from you. Be interested, check in regularly by message or text but don't cling. Let her call you.

I know it's hard. My ds is my only as well.

Awww, it's hard not to worry but please please don't let her know you are worried because you are just transferring your worries onto her and she really, from what you have said, sounds ready for this. Just think of it as you have carefully and lovingly prepared her for this step and it's a long piece of scarf attached to you and you're having to just extend that length and let her slowly make her way

You sound like a very loving parent and I am sure she will come to you with any problems.

My DD was quirky and found her tribe and 14 years after leaving Uni she is currently on holiday with some of them, they are firm friends who are in contact all the time

I was worried too - for very similar reasons. Got DD a private diagnosis (confirmed ASD)
She was very involved with picking where she went (many tears and endless chats).
Picked somewhere close but not too close, in the end chose a city and not campus university.
It's been a ride but she is thriving. Had a few rather manic episodes and OCD spirals, lots of partying, lots of vegetating on the sofa, working hard but missing the odd lecture, boys (😱) and she's found a really lovely bunch of friends. Mostly LGBT/ND types and she's really happy. Not at all what I would have expected a couple of years ago. She's grown up so much. Am very relieved and very happy for her.

Your partner is absolutely right, OP.
Your own reaction is extreme and you need to rein in your anxiety so that your daughter doesn't pick up on it - she's going to university, not flying into outer space, and it's just very normal and ordinary. They also spend a ridiculous amount of time back home on vacation!
She's an adult - please treat her as one.

No, not really anything major. My phone once erroneously showed that I wandered out to the end of our road at 3am for 30 seconds (which isn't even possible based on the distance) but that's the only weird thing we ever had happen.

Low battery or poor signal can sometimes mean it's not 100 percent accurate but it's usually not far off even then.

I totally sympathise with this! One thing I'd add to what's already been said: a lot of the advice here (rightly) focuses on whether she'll find her people, but from what you've described, I'd wonder if the bigger risk isn't fitting in socially, it's the independent living side underneath it, keeping on top of day to day life without anyone prompting her. I say that because I went through something similar myself. I struggled in halls/transitioning to independent living/unstructured time, and ended up transferring to a uni nearer home in second year.

Looking back, after being diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s, it wasn't that uni wasn't right for me, I just wasn't really 'ready'; nobody had ever actually taught me how to manage independence itself, routines, time, the basic scaffolding that living at home and being at school provides without you noticing.

If it's useful, that's specifically the gap I work on now, I run Rora Education, helping students build those systems before the transition rather than figuring it out (or not) once they're already there. Not saying that's the answer for your DD, just flagging it in case it's helpful. Sounds like you're already doing everything right by thinking this hard about it. x

I don't think OP's daughter sounds like the type who will make friends at Mojito Fridays.

Presumably that's not all that happens at weekends. She might make friends at a sport or activity which meets on Saturdays or a church group on Sundays or find a job with weekend hours.

My DS was exactly the same. Hadn't really socialised at all outside school, never went to parties, only a very small number of friends, etc. We were very worried about how he'd cope in Uni flats with strangers etc.

As it turns out, he didn't really mix at all, neither with his flat mates nor anyone else at Uni. He went in 2020 during the covid lockdowns/restrictions, so everything was online and he barely met anyone face to face and would go several days without leaving his room! Very few interactions with his 7 flat mates - only occasionally meeting one or two of them in the kitchen when cooking.

In year 2, he stayed on campus and got 7 different flat mates and the same happened really - no friendships with anyone, not helped because even in 2021/2 so much was still online and parts of the Uni remained closed!! 6 of his year 1 flatmates rented their own house to share!

But during year 2, he got friendly with one of his first year flat mates, and that led to being included more with the other first year flat mates even though he wasn't living with them. Then one dropped out for year 3 and they offered him the spare room, which he took! Never looked back really. He had a really good third year living with his first year flat mates who he'd not really been friendly with in year 1. A few years later, and he's now going on holiday with them next month!!

Since leaving Uni, he moved cities to get a graduate job, and again, first year, struggled to make friends, just a few casual acquaintances through work, but through those, he made other friends, and now, in his third working year, he's loads of friends, through work and otherwise, and is now living in a HMO flat share with a group of lads from a different Uni who he met through a co-worker!

Now he's really confident, got friends literally everywhere, a really good network via work, friends of friends, through sports, etc. He's a completely different person from the shy/reserved lad we dropped off at Uni when he was 18!

I think the key is to keep good communication channels. We literally face-timed with our son every day in his first year at Uni, sometimes 2/3 times per day. We helped get him through the "bad" times of loneliness etc. By the time he was half way through Uni, contact was reduced quite a bit, but we'd still face time 2/3 times per week. Same when he moved to a new city for work - he struggled at first, so we were back to daily face-times, but as the months passed and he started to meet people, we reduced it, and now, 3 years later, it's down to maybe once per week as he's got other friends to talk to, discuss problems with, etc. Things like problems need to be nipped in the bud rather than be allowed to fester - with facetime etc., it's easier to do that these days rather than abandon them to sort themselves out.

I felt a bit like that this when my YP first went to uni. They absolutely thrived and had the best time ever.

They also grew up really fast!

My DD was assessed for ASD before going to Uni. Having a diagnosis has been very positive.
She's gone to Uni, with a great attitude and it's been very successful.
I think you need to have a realistic chat about how to approach making friends and enjoying the time there. I've felt a bit sad at her leaving and to be honest, her growing independence has been brilliant but it does make you feel a bit sidelined (especially when your kids have needed a lot of support) but it's her time now and we need not to hold our kids back because of our own fears.
DD is enjoying her course, has made some lovely friends, found a club she's met loads of people through - she's very happy.
Hopefully with a bit of prep and the right attitude your DD will thrive.

One reason I think it is sad that so many 18 year olds now stay at home for uni (though I understand that for many it is a financial issue), is because uni is a great soft launch for life. You are living away from home but in a pretty sheltered environment alongside hundreds if not thousands of other people doing exactly the same thing.

I was pretty undomesticated when I went to uni, but as well as learning my course and how to study independently I learnt to budget, do my washing, learnt to cook etc. And I did that alongside a bunch of other people who were all trying to learn those things too, so it was a supportive environment.

Also, please don’t worry about your daughter being quirky - the great joy of uni is meeting lots and lots of other people and finding your tribe. I didn’t have a great time at school and didn’t have a lot of close friendships, always feeling like an outsider. But at university I met people more like me and 25 years later, we are all still very good friends.

I can’t comment Autism/ADHD issue, but you have had great advice from pp on that.

Hi all! I have just seen this thread has been reactivated and it's come at a very good time, as the freaking out is certainly ramping up as we get closer to September 😬

Reading all your posts has been very helpful and encouraging, but if I'm totally honest, I'm still often at war with myself as to whether or not she's ready. It's no so much the domesticated stuff. Yes, I think it will hit her harder than she thinks, but I believe she'll get there with that. I think it's more the general organisation on top of the social burn out that might be too overwhelming. Also just her general safety is a massive concern, which I'm honestly not sure how my anxiety will cope with! I guess this is normal?...

You are the problem

I am baffled by the people on here criticising the OP for caring about her child... If only all kids had someone on their team like the OP. Keep advocating and caring @4ofCups and ignore the negativity.

Your anxiety is yours to deal with, and is an entirely separate thing to your daughter's happiness at university. Lots of people on the thread gave you excellent advice about concrete things you and/ or your daughter could do in advance to smooth things. Have you, for instance, made contact with her university's disability services?