Let my friend down and feel awful.

[Primrose76]

My best friend lost a close relative who she was very close to suddenly. I thought the funeral was on Friday and it wasnt. It was a week ago. I text her today about something else and I've clearly upset her by getting the date wrong. I'm normally so careful about these things and I feel so awful.

all you can do is apologise really. It was a mistake don’t beat yourself up about it too much. You could send her flowers or a card or something perhaps

I feel awful. She's making a point of telling me how I've hurt her. I put the date in my diary but I put the date in wrong.

Has she not mentioned the funeral before today? She didn't message you to see where you were?

I wasnt invited to the funeral, I'd never met her relative. She mentioned the date about 6 weeks ago, I've somehow written it down in my phone wrong. I've been in hospital and not well so maybe I've taken my eye off the ball a bit. She hadnt talked about the funeral since it got arranged 6 weeks ago.

All you can do is apologise and be honest, send flowers as you would have anyway and then don't over apologise and move on. Let her speak to you if she wants to continue but if she needs space then that's fine, too.

I don't like people who stay silent, passive aggressively, trying to catch you out rather than just communicating like a sane person. But also grief is terrible and if she doesn't have form for being like this them I would forgive her and keep checking in every nkw and then with her

Honestly OP life happens and sometimes things just slip. You’ve apologised and that is all you can do. It does sound like your friend is taking out her grief on you a bit.

Honestly she is BU. She mentions a funeral six weeks ago that you aren’t invited to and expects you to memorise the date amongst your own life and goings on and then when you get it wrong she takes liberty to tell you how hurt she is.

out of interest has she contacted you recently to ask how YOU are doing with being in hospital?

I met her for lunch and took her flowers when her relative died. Should I send more flowers? I honestly feel horrendous.

Ok this reaction is insane. She’s upset you didn’t ask about a funeral for someone you didn’t meet?! What on earth.

Yes shes checked on me multiple times, drove me to somewhere when I couldnt drive after surgery and visited me twice in hospital. I think that's why it feels even worse, she's been a great friend and I've been a shit one.

She said I've particularly hurt and upset her because I knew how much this relative meant to her. Which I did.

So you dropped the ball. Instead of being grown up and calling you up and asking for a shoulder to cry on or vent she gets angry? You’ve said sorry, you are remorseful but you can’t go back in time. The punishment doesn’t really fit the crime here?

This sounds like a weird dynamic. You got a date wrong. It happens.
It sounds like you have apologised.
If you or she need to make such a big deal out of it (you with all the hand wringing, her with the telling you how awful you are) then it doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship.

I must admit, I am struggling to understand. Are you sure she didn't expect you to go to the funeral? I'm Irish so if a close relative of a close friend died attendance would be expected but I know it's different in parts of the UK where you get invited.

If you were not invited and you sympathised and sent flowers when the person died, what was she expecting from you? Sure, it would have been nice to check in on her re how the funeral went but hardly sin of the century given you were in hospital.

If you want to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's taking her grief out on you.

Absolutely sure that she didnt mean for me to go to the funeral. I understand in Ireland it is common to go to a friend's relative funeral that youve never met but it really isn't in the UK. You would only go if you were invited, otherwise it would be seen as very odd for you to turn up.
By the date of the funeral I had been home from hospital for 2.5 weeks so I cant be excused by being in hospital.
She would have been expecting a text on the morning of and maybe a phone call within a couple of days to check on her.

I knew she was upset with me because she sent me a very short response when I first texted her tonight.

So you weren't even invited yet your friend is berating you for not turning up?
To the funeral of someone you never even met,?

Does she have a partner or family or are you her only support? If she has family who are also bereaved surely the normal thing would be to give them a bit of space to grieve together?

If you are her only support then maybe she has a bit of a point but still a bit of an over reaction.

Getting upset because a friend didn't remember the date of a funeral that only you went to is bonkers. You didn't let her down, she clearly has main character syndrome and is more insufferable when she has a reason to expect attention from others.

She's probably still grieving. Give her time and I'm sure she will come round.

@Primrose76 have you phoned her?

I understand that you got the date wrong

But I think if you've been communicating over text, then - it loses a lot basically

I think it's so much more human to have a conversation, she's more likely to realise that you made a human mistake. I hope that makes sense.

I agree with this. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You’ve also been unwell in hospital so sounds like you haven’t had an easy time of things.
Be kind to yourself.

Yes she’s obviously being unreasonable. But she’s probably reacting out of grief. I would give her a little benefit to the doubt. Send her a message saying that you are really sorry for not being in touch. Tell her you’ve been having some health issues and a bit of a hard time yourself (throw a little guilt gently back at her, remind her that other people have stuff going on as well). Then leave the ball in her court, see if she calms down. You should not be grovelling or having to send flowers etc.

You also said earlier that she made a point of telling you how hurt she is. What exactly did she say?
Im finding it hard to understand what she thinks the problem is. Is she upset you didn’t text her the day of the funeral to wish her well? You’ve met her, bought her flowers, what more does she want? How would she expect you to remember. I’ve never put a friends relatives funeral in my diary.

I'm in the UK and think it is normal to sometimes go to the funeral of a person you don't know (or don't know well) because you are going to support the family and friends who are grieving. 6 weeks to arrange a funeral is a long time, which may have contributed to your confusion, but I think you might have been offended if your best friend forgot the date you were having surgery, for example. All you can do is apologise and assure her you are thinking of her and hope she forgives you.