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Original poster

Let my friend down and feel awful.

38 replies

Primrose76 · 25/02/2026 21:04

My best friend lost a close relative who she was very close to suddenly. I thought the funeral was on Friday and it wasnt. It was a week ago. I text her today about something else and I've clearly upset her by getting the date wrong. I'm normally so careful about these things and I feel so awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primrose76 · 25/02/2026 22:21

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/02/2026 22:19

I'm in the UK and think it is normal to sometimes go to the funeral of a person you don't know (or don't know well) because you are going to support the family and friends who are grieving. 6 weeks to arrange a funeral is a long time, which may have contributed to your confusion, but I think you might have been offended if your best friend forgot the date you were having surgery, for example. All you can do is apologise and assure her you are thinking of her and hope she forgives you.

She has a massive family and I have never met any of them including the person who died. If she had asked me to go then I would've gone but I didnt think it was appropriate to ask to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primrose76 · 25/02/2026 22:22

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/02/2026 21:44

Does she have a partner or family or are you her only support? If she has family who are also bereaved surely the normal thing would be to give them a bit of space to grieve together?

If you are her only support then maybe she has a bit of a point but still a bit of an over reaction.

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She has a partner and lots of family. And other friends.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 25/02/2026 22:22

BlackCat14 · 25/02/2026 22:15

You also said earlier that she made a point of telling you how hurt she is. What exactly did she say?
Im finding it hard to understand what she thinks the problem is. Is she upset you didn’t text her the day of the funeral to wish her well? You’ve met her, bought her flowers, what more does she want? How would she expect you to remember. I’ve never put a friends relatives funeral in my diary.

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You wouldn't send a "thinking of you and hope the service today brought you some comfort" message to your best friend on the day of a close relative's funeral?

MCF86 · 25/02/2026 22:27

I hope that I'd remember to check in in these circumstances, but even so I don't think it would really register with me if my friends didn't. I don't think it warrants a guilt trip and I'm sorry for you that she does

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/02/2026 22:29

Primrose76 · 25/02/2026 22:21

She has a massive family and I have never met any of them including the person who died. If she had asked me to go then I would've gone but I didnt think it was appropriate to ask to come.

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So are you assuming she didn't expect you to go or do you know for a fact she didn't expect you to go? Maybe clarify that with her. If she expected you to go then it's a misunderstanding you can clear up.

WannabeMathematician · 25/02/2026 22:40

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/02/2026 22:22

You wouldn't send a "thinking of you and hope the service today brought you some comfort" message to your best friend on the day of a close relative's funeral?

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Honestly no. I would do it around the time but not on the day. But I find these kind of texts annoying to receive. I don’t want to be thought about I want someone to call and make me laugh or listen to me moan. And if no one offered my friends are close enough to me that I could ask for that connection and get it.

BlackCat14 · 25/02/2026 22:48

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/02/2026 22:22

You wouldn't send a "thinking of you and hope the service today brought you some comfort" message to your best friend on the day of a close relative's funeral?

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If I remembered the day, yes, I have many times. Only a few weeks ago a close friend had her nans funeral but we chatted daily in the run up about how she was feeling about it etc, so there’s no way I would’ve forgotten the date. But the way OP tells this, I think it’s a bit extreme her friend is mad at her for forgetting. I’ve been to relatives funerals and not all friends have remembered to text on tne day, depending what our daily communication is like. I couldn’t imagine being mad if a friend forgot to text me on the day of the funeral. Especially if we’d met a few weeks earlier, straight after the relative died, and they bought me flowers.

mrsgilfeathers · 26/02/2026 04:20

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/02/2026 22:19

I'm in the UK and think it is normal to sometimes go to the funeral of a person you don't know (or don't know well) because you are going to support the family and friends who are grieving. 6 weeks to arrange a funeral is a long time, which may have contributed to your confusion, but I think you might have been offended if your best friend forgot the date you were having surgery, for example. All you can do is apologise and assure her you are thinking of her and hope she forgives you.

I’m in Scotland…you don’t get invited to funerals where I am. You hear about it eg from others or there are notices pinned up on undertakers windows (where my sibling lives, it’s the local co-op) and you can turn up.

ohdearmemummy · 26/02/2026 04:31

I’d just say that I am so sorry, it was rubbish of me but it wasn’t intentional. I adore her and I’d like to make it right the give her space.

you are human it was a mistake .

Bristolandlazy · 26/02/2026 04:33

She could of messaged you the day of the funeral and said it was the funeral today and how it went if she had wanted to lean on you. You had things going on yourself, give yourself a break. No one is on it one hundred percent off the time, we all mess up sometimes. You don't need to give her more flowers, if you've told her you're sorry and it was an error, you remembering or forgetting the day doesn't change anything that happened, only that you weren't thinking of her on the right day. You sound like a very caring person.

Original poster
Primrose76 · 26/02/2026 05:31

I think what's made me feel the worst is that she said "I'm hurt because you know how much he meant to me". It just made me feel like an awful person, not someone who is normally very caring and careful and got a date wrong. I probably haven't been as on the ball recently due to surgery and hospital stay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primrose76 · 26/02/2026 05:33

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/02/2026 22:29

So are you assuming she didn't expect you to go or do you know for a fact she didn't expect you to go? Maybe clarify that with her. If she expected you to go then it's a misunderstanding you can clear up.

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I know for a fact that she didnt expect me to go. That isnt the issue here. The issue is that I didnt contact her at the time.

OP posts:
MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 26/02/2026 05:39

Primrose76 · 25/02/2026 21:30

She said I've particularly hurt and upset her because I knew how much this relative meant to her. Which I did.

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And she's right. You've let her down. But there's nothing you can do to change that.

Is she the type of person who holds a grudge? Maybe you need to do a final apology, flowers, chocolates, card and then leave her to do her grudge wallow for a while?

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