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Original poster

Need help please how do I discuss this with my 8 year old

43 replies

thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:03

Hello all

My d d and I fled extreme d v when she was days old

It was so bad her piece of 💩 father put the both of us in hospital

She was fine

I had multiple injuries

Luckily we got away and my DF opened his ams to us
Got us a place to stay and we are here since then

She never asks about him

I always prompt her and say please let me know if you want to talk about why we left
And why it is just us and no dad
I have not directl said anything but I have left it open for her to ask me and I always encourage this

Do I start to talk more about him
Show pictures etc

Or wait for her to ask more?
My sister also has been there to help and often says do you ever wonder about family set up etc ? But sh does not wan to talk any more and changes subject

I have her name down for play therapy but that is two months away

Please go easy on me
I don't know what to do next ?!!! 💔💔💔💔💔💔

OP posts:
ShetlandishMum · 05/02/2026 16:05

Why start to talk about it now if she hasn't asked you about it and she is in theraphy in 2 months?

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:06

She is coming across anxious and can be overwhelmed easily hence why I am now panicking more than I normally would

Loves school and is doing very well

OP posts:
Overthebow · 05/02/2026 16:07

Do you need to talk about it with her? She doesn’t know her father and hasn’t seen him since she was a newborn baby. She has a good family set up at home with you, your DF and sister also providing support. Maybe she just doesn’t need or want to know any more?

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:07

I am really just wondering what is best?
What others found helpful?

I won't be saying anything bad about him but just maybe sharing that we had to leave and he now lives elsewhere ?!!

I don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:08

Overthebow · 05/02/2026 16:07

Do you need to talk about it with her? She doesn’t know her father and hasn’t seen him since she was a newborn baby. She has a good family set up at home with you, your DF and sister also providing support. Maybe she just doesn’t need or want to know any more?

I have often wondered this

She is loved and very happy in many ways

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:09

I think my fear is sending me into overdrive

Worried if I mention his name

Worries if I say nothing??!!!

The impact of early trauma 😬😬😡

OP posts:
dairydebris · 05/02/2026 16:12

She was days old? And uninjured?

Is there a reason why you feel this might have impacted her?

And is there a reason why you feel you have to talk about it?

And is there a reason why you feel you mustn't say anything bad about her father?

ShetlandishMum · 05/02/2026 16:12

I would wait until she is in therapy to start talking to her. Why confuse her upfront? Maybe ask the therapist how to cope with it?

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 17:05

dairydebris · 05/02/2026 16:12

She was days old? And uninjured?

Is there a reason why you feel this might have impacted her?

And is there a reason why you feel you have to talk about it?

And is there a reason why you feel you mustn't say anything bad about her father?

Great questions !!!!

I'm worried I may scare her if I tell her the gory details of how bad he was

So asking the therapist is def the way forward

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 17:05

ShetlandishMum · 05/02/2026 16:12

I would wait until she is in therapy to start talking to her. Why confuse her upfront? Maybe ask the therapist how to cope with it?

Edited

Absolutely!!!!

OP posts:
OriginalSkang · 05/02/2026 17:09

I wouldn't bring him up at all if she doesnt ask

If she does ask, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying he is a bad person and that he hurt you a lot and thats why he's gone now. You don't have to tell any gory details

NamingNoNames · 05/02/2026 17:13

I wouldn't bring him up at all if she doesn't ask This.

If she does ask, answer in an age appropriate way. Do not lie but be selective in what you tell her.

titchy · 05/02/2026 17:32

Is she starting therapy because of this, or because of her generalised anxiety? I assume the latter. In which case surely the therapist has already got some background information, or will get that, in which case tell them the background. Don’t force her to start asking questions.

ForLoveNotMoney · 05/02/2026 17:35

I wouldn’t bring it up.
Have you had therapy OP? With kindness, it sounds like you want to talk about what happened? Keep your DDs innocence for as long as you can. She doesn’t need to know

APatternGrammar · 05/02/2026 17:45

I have the feeling that a lot of 8 year olds start to get a bit worried about things as they start to understand what’s going on in the world etc. Mine do and they have no traumatic experiences. How she’s feeling now may be unrelated to her early life.

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 18:58

APatternGrammar · 05/02/2026 17:45

I have the feeling that a lot of 8 year olds start to get a bit worried about things as they start to understand what’s going on in the world etc. Mine do and they have no traumatic experiences. How she’s feeling now may be unrelated to her early life.

Very good point xx

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 18:59

ForLoveNotMoney · 05/02/2026 17:35

I wouldn’t bring it up.
Have you had therapy OP? With kindness, it sounds like you want to talk about what happened? Keep your DDs innocence for as long as you can. She doesn’t need to know

X100

I def need long term therapy xx

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 19:00

titchy · 05/02/2026 17:32

Is she starting therapy because of this, or because of her generalised anxiety? I assume the latter. In which case surely the therapist has already got some background information, or will get that, in which case tell them the background. Don’t force her to start asking questions.

Therapy because she seems anxious

I could be projecting here now

But I thought it could help us

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 05/02/2026 19:07

I think you very much need to wait for the therapy and ask for help explaining things if you really want her to know.

You tell an 8 year old you left because their Dad was mean and nasty, your poor Dd will think
“well I’m half dad I must be mean and nasty”
”my dad didn’t keep me safe, I must be unloveable” …. And other horrific thoughts!

There’s so much trauma being told these things children just don’t understand, it needs much more thought and time than a quick conversation. You need to plan what you say and have answers to questions. I would not be having a spur of the moment quick chat.

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 19:32

@Favouritefruits this is so true

Thank you all

I'm just spiraling and projecting my anxiety too

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 19:32

OriginalSkang · 05/02/2026 17:09

I wouldn't bring him up at all if she doesnt ask

If she does ask, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying he is a bad person and that he hurt you a lot and thats why he's gone now. You don't have to tell any gory details

I worry I may say too much

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 05/02/2026 19:35

Overthebow · 05/02/2026 16:07

Do you need to talk about it with her? She doesn’t know her father and hasn’t seen him since she was a newborn baby. She has a good family set up at home with you, your DF and sister also providing support. Maybe she just doesn’t need or want to know any more?

I agree. I think what she has is enough for now. She is safe and secure and will probably ask questions later.

sprigatito · 05/02/2026 19:49

Play therapy is an excellent idea and will help her begin to approach her feelings in a gentle way, at her own pace. I think you should let that happen, and don’t push her to talk, beyond what you have been doing, which is lightly expressing that you’re available with answers when she is ready to talk. You seem to have unusually fantastic instincts, so I think you should carry on following them! I think you’re right that this will need to be talked about at some point, that she is likely to struggle and will need support, but you’re also right not to force the issue or push too hard. I hope the play therapy helps, I’ve seen it achieve amazing things.

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 05/02/2026 19:51

Just wanted to say how absolutely terrible for you both and how well you have done to have an 8 year old who is happy and doing well at school. Brilliant stuff.

I wouldn’t overthink it or rock the current very happy and calm boat.

suki1964 · 05/02/2026 19:58

My DGS is the product of a child sex abuser

We found out when he was a few months old - hes coming 20 now

He has no recollation whatsoever of his childhood at that age

His mum has moved on, married a lovely fella, they are the "nuclear family "

He knows I have the answers and he also knows Im totally approachable and non judgemental and the day he comes and asks, I will tell him. Hes not looking, im not telling - its working for now

Looking at him. I dont think he wants or needs to know. He knows his step dad isnt his dad, but so far in life hes getting what he needs from his family

So we leave well alone

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