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Original poster

Need help please how do I discuss this with my 8 year old

43 replies

thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:03

Hello all

My d d and I fled extreme d v when she was days old

It was so bad her piece of 💩 father put the both of us in hospital

She was fine

I had multiple injuries

Luckily we got away and my DF opened his ams to us
Got us a place to stay and we are here since then

She never asks about him

I always prompt her and say please let me know if you want to talk about why we left
And why it is just us and no dad
I have not directl said anything but I have left it open for her to ask me and I always encourage this

Do I start to talk more about him
Show pictures etc

Or wait for her to ask more?
My sister also has been there to help and often says do you ever wonder about family set up etc ? But sh does not wan to talk any more and changes subject

I have her name down for play therapy but that is two months away

Please go easy on me
I don't know what to do next ?!!! 💔💔💔💔💔💔

OP posts:
Shittyyear2025 · 05/02/2026 20:28

thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 19:32

I worry I may say too much

Show quote history

What do you say op?

Do you really need to say anything? Is he a frequent topic of conversation? That could do more damage, having this man be omnipresent in your lives without physically being there iyswim.

I wouldn't say anything at the moment. She has a loving family but is coming to an age where she will be inquisitive about herself and her background. She cannot be affected psychologically by an incident that happened when she was days old, but could be by what's happened since - any fall-out from court proceedings, any mention of the events etc.

When the time comes, and it probably will, I've always relied on two measures - need to know and age-appropriate. Does she (ever?) need to know what happened? What happens in an adult relationship is very different to the parent/child relationship so that's likely to need unpicking at some point, but she might not ever need to know the nitty gritty. And what to tell her should be done in an age-appropriate way - daddy wasn't kind to us and it was safer for us both to leave and be apart from him would be ok for a good few years yet. Then maybe mention DA and DV, but not the details.

I say this from a position of having had a friend ask me for reassurance that telling her 6 year old that 'grandad in heaven' committed suicide (and how) was appropriate... Now THAT screwed her DC up for a loooong time.

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 20:32

@Shittyyear2025 so very wise

Thank you xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 20:33

suki1964 · 05/02/2026 19:58

My DGS is the product of a child sex abuser

We found out when he was a few months old - hes coming 20 now

He has no recollation whatsoever of his childhood at that age

His mum has moved on, married a lovely fella, they are the "nuclear family "

He knows I have the answers and he also knows Im totally approachable and non judgemental and the day he comes and asks, I will tell him. Hes not looking, im not telling - its working for now

Looking at him. I dont think he wants or needs to know. He knows his step dad isnt his dad, but so far in life hes getting what he needs from his family

So we leave well alone

Wow

Thank you for sharing

My goodness !!!!

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Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 20:34

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 05/02/2026 19:51

Just wanted to say how absolutely terrible for you both and how well you have done to have an 8 year old who is happy and doing well at school. Brilliant stuff.

I wouldn’t overthink it or rock the current very happy and calm boat.

This was my exact thought this morning

How well this little superstar is doing xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 20:35

sprigatito · 05/02/2026 19:49

Play therapy is an excellent idea and will help her begin to approach her feelings in a gentle way, at her own pace. I think you should let that happen, and don’t push her to talk, beyond what you have been doing, which is lightly expressing that you’re available with answers when she is ready to talk. You seem to have unusually fantastic instincts, so I think you should carry on following them! I think you’re right that this will need to be talked about at some point, that she is likely to struggle and will need support, but you’re also right not to force the issue or push too hard. I hope the play therapy helps, I’ve seen it achieve amazing things.

Thank you so much for your response xxx

OP posts:
Shittyyear2025 · 05/02/2026 20:35

thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 20:32

@Shittyyear2025 so very wise

Thank you xxxx

I've had a LOT of therapy for what we went through at the hands of my ex when the DC were tiny. It's been quite the journey. You should absolutely consider some support for yourself x

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 20:35

Favouritefruits · 05/02/2026 19:07

I think you very much need to wait for the therapy and ask for help explaining things if you really want her to know.

You tell an 8 year old you left because their Dad was mean and nasty, your poor Dd will think
“well I’m half dad I must be mean and nasty”
”my dad didn’t keep me safe, I must be unloveable” …. And other horrific thoughts!

There’s so much trauma being told these things children just don’t understand, it needs much more thought and time than a quick conversation. You need to plan what you say and have answers to questions. I would not be having a spur of the moment quick chat.

Edited

Imagine the pain and the guilt of internalising this

So very true

And thank you all

So so helpful

OP posts:
MissCooCooMcgoo · 05/02/2026 22:37

What problem are you trying to solve here? I think your the one making her anxious and I think it's you that need the therapy.

Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 22:48

MissCooCooMcgoo · 05/02/2026 22:37

What problem are you trying to solve here? I think your the one making her anxious and I think it's you that need the therapy.

So kind 😆😆😆😆

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 22:48

@MissCooCooMcgoo tell me what you really think 😃😃😃

OP posts:
Endofyear · 05/02/2026 23:21

I would not bring him up unless she asks you about him. Then you will have to tell her about him in an age appropriate way. No gory details - maybe something like he wasn't a very nice man and he did some things that hurt you and it wasn't safe for us to be around him.

A friend of mine fled DV and had a restraining order against her violent ex. Her 13 year old daughter started asking about her birth father and expressing an interest in getting in touch with him and my friend had to tell her daughter that he had been violent and wasn't safe for her to be around. It's always going to be a difficult conversation but I think you have to be honest with children, if they ask.

Auntiebenita · 05/02/2026 23:28

Why are you trying to force on her information she's not interested in knowing and doesn’t need to know? I can’t see any benefit at all to her of you telling her now. Why do you and your sister keep "prompting" her to want to know? Wait until she asks of her own accord, and stop hassling her.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 06/02/2026 00:01

Wait until she asks, and keep it age appropriate.
"Your father didn't know how to be a good father and he it was necessary to leave".

As she gets older you can tell her a bit more, that he didn't know it was wrong for adults to hit people and because he refused to understand that, you had to leave".

Keep it calm, keep it pragmatic. You need to be strong for her. But please, whatever else you do, don't lie to her. Dishonesty breaks trust and once broken it can never be quite the same again. Better difficult truths that lies.

Ask a DV charity how to handle tge conversation with your daughter, too. They will be able to point you towards skilled advice.

Tina46 · 06/02/2026 00:07

I would talk about all different families. Read books about diverse families and books that show single parents etc. maybe gently bring up that sometimes, adults can not be safe, and can hurt others, that that is why her dad is not living there now.

I would probably start googling books for kids that explain DV and single parents etc and get some from the library and start there.

I think it's really important kids have truthful, age appropriate information. You don't need to bombard her but she needs to know the basics of her life story and that you're always open to answering questions.

Freesiapleaser · 06/02/2026 07:05

So much lovely advice here.
Few things to sum up.
8 yr old girls can be quite anxious anyway. Don't connect that to the DV right now. If you get the phrasing and support right now then when you do tell her it won't be traumatic at all. Play therapy is excellent - be aware that it will take 10 sessions for you to go oh yes this is working and she might not need more than that. It is finite. But also they use the tools unconsciously so you won't 'see' the effect you'll just have a child who even in the most anxious meltdowns will be able to come out and say - ok I can look at my behaviour and see it and that's ok. This is how we are going to do it next time.
We all talk about trauma all the time and how terrible it is but realistically life is traumatic. In big and little ways for everyone but it's not about the trauma itself it's about what you do with it and how you teach your kids to. Try the chimp management book for kids by prof peters. And 10 steps to positive living.
You are fab. You're doing great. You control the narrative, so you have the power to come out strong. Forgive yourself - no one can be supermum all the time. Trust that others will be kind and if they arnt then fuck em. They don't deserve your time.

Soontobe60 · 06/02/2026 07:12

thetallfairy · 05/02/2026 16:09

I think my fear is sending me into overdrive

Worried if I mention his name

Worries if I say nothing??!!!

The impact of early trauma 😬😬😡

As she was only days old she will have absolutely no memory of what happened to cause you to leave. If she’s happy in herself and school has no concerns I suggest you stop asking her if she wants to talk about anything. You’re almost planting anxiety in her mind by doing this. I would say though that perhaps you could do with some support to deal with the things you’ve been through - have you had any counselling following on from the DV?

Original poster
thetallfairy · 06/02/2026 09:55

@Soontobe60 no sadly not yet

OP posts:
Original poster
thetallfairy · 06/02/2026 09:56

Wonderful

Wonderful advice
All

I'm really so glad I posted and thanks to each and every one of you xxxxx

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