Men with close female friends

[Dotandtime]

First let me say of course men and women can be friends. I'm my circle there are several men I call friends. What I'm specifically talking about are those very close friendships where they almost always meet up 121, are "best" friends, know intimate details of each other's lives. They may have met partners the odd time but partners aren't generally included in the friendship or meet ups.

Is it just me or do these (often) middle aged men only ever have these kinds of friendships with women younger and more attractive than them? The kind of women they'd be punching above their weight if they had a romantic/sexual relationship with, although of course they'll claim that's not what they want anyway.

I know two men who have a number of these kinds of friendships. I think the women genuinely do see them as friends, very useful father figure type friends who will do their DIY and pick them up if they need it late at night, be emotional crutches when they're between relationships, but I'm not convinced at all about the men's motives. They never seem to have these close "plationic" relationships with women older or less attractive than them.

Yes.

It's a really unpopular opinion on here, but imo men and women cannot and should not be friends at all.

My parents (not that old), my grandparents, and basically everyone up until say 20-20 years ago - it would be unheard of for a man and a woman to be close friends.

Added to that, I've been in these type of 'friendships' when younger.

There is pretty much always a sexual undercurrent, at least on one side.

And yes, why do men always fall over themselves to 'help out' females they'd be attracted to. Never women significantly older than them, and never males either (unless v v close friends already).

And never their partners.
Men fall over themselves to help women they want to fuck.

Genuine question - do you think people who are same sex attracted can have close friends of the same sex? And can bi-sexual people have any close friends at all?

I've often wondered this when people say men and women can't be friends cos one always wants more than friendship...

Utter nonsense.

Two of my closest friends, whom I've known since university, so +20 years - are male.

They're equally good friends of my (male) OH, as I am with their wives.

It depends on the man's personality. He might just get on better with women.

Far more often than not though, if the opportunity was there, he'd have sex with the 'friend'. At least if he was single. But then men view sex a lot differently to women.

My best friend is a man and I’m a woman. We’ve known each other for years and know pretty much everything about each other. But we’re close in age, he’s gay and I’m a lesbian so I feel pretty confident in saying that he isn’t just friends with me for my looks!

I can’t actually think of anybody I know that has the kind of friendship you’re describing but I think I would be side-eyeing a man who had a tendency to have very close friendships with much younger and more attractive women.

I have one of these friendships. I'm actually a couple of years older than him and by no one's yardstick am I attractive. He's been my best friend for 14 years. If we wanted to fuck, we'd have done it years ago. Men and women can be friends. Most of my friends are male. I have very few female friends.

but I'm not convinced at all about the men's motives. They never seem to have these close "plationic" relationships with women older or less attractive than them.

My friend has a close platonic friendship with a woman more than twenty years older than him. Me. And I'm not remotely attractive.

Partner has a female friend he's known since they're were kids. I've met her and we've all been out. I don't think for one minute he fancies her or would ever be with her. No way.

I just don't agree. I've always got on well with men and have 2 or 3 good male friends. Like any normal friendships we'll meet 1:1 and discuss problems etc. And for your information all 3 of these men are younger than me and fairly good looking. They're most certainly not after me and I'm not interested in them romantically either. We're just mates who enjoy each other's company. These friendships have lasted over 20 years.

I have long standing women friends - I think we are close because of our connections that are related to being creative people - we write, we make music, we paint and we like to talk but over the years I've realised I have to know how to maintain boundaries and not give the wrong signals - these relationships have been built over 10-15 years and I really value them. The relationships are not based on anything to do with looks or sexual attraction - I have zero interest in them - I have a very long standing partner - but I care for my friends. I don't share anything about my personal life that I wouldn't say in front of my wife - my relationship with her is a private matter - I've never felt the need anyway to discuss any problems we have - we sort out own sh!t out between the two of us. As for the ages of my friends - I'm 61 - they are 65, 52, 59 and the other main friend is about my age, maybe a year or two younger - two are divorced and adamant about remaining so, one is single by choice, one now has a very ill husband, one is very overweight and diabetic with other health problems (but creatively one of the most interesting people I've ever met) - I hope I am aware enough of how they might view our relationship - at times, over the years, all of them have encountered difficult times (me too) - I like to stick around when this happens - I'm not a fairweather friend. So my friendships are based on our common interests and in most cases some other shared history in our lives - seriously ill children, work in education, etc. My wife doesn't share all of my many interests - we have our own interests that we share together. I believe it's exactly because we feel safe and secure in our relationship and in ourselves as individuals that we can enjoy connections with other people. I don't see these friends very often at all but we message a few times a week - my wife is up to speed with what we are talking about if there is anything interesting to mention but - she's been in on everything for years and to be quite honest - she's not actually that interested - not in them as people or what we talk about - she has all my logins, uses all my devices and can see all my conversations - she's just has no interest in them - my wife will meet two of these people later this year when we make a point of going out of our way to meet them when we visit Scotland and then Finland. I would be upset, angry possibly/probably - if any of my women friends wanted to cross any boundaries with me - it would be such a sad, immature, stupid way to ruin a good friendship. TBH - we'd work through it. I wouldn't describe these as platonic - they aren't intimate - they are marked by openness, honesty and they are caring on certain levels - I'm not sure I'm that affectionate a person TBH - thoughtful sometimes, interested - mainly the relationships are about supporting each other in our creative efforts and many other things besides. I tend to think the narrow stereotypes of the type of men a lot of MN women have in mind here are only about those men that have had very few rich, complex and interesting relationships with women (I don't mean with women who were their partners). You can go to a party, talk to someone new and experience a frisson - but that's all it is - it's a moment where you have chemistry with other people - I tend to think it's naive, inexperienced and unworldly guys that just don't know how think or feel about these moments. My friend, who trained as a counsellor, said that it was very much a part of his masters course to talk deeply about personal things with other students and that you also had these moments of connection - but as he said, you don't read anything more into them - they are a natural response to opening up so there are plenty of other people who have experienced this and learned how to navigate their way through life, making connections on various levels with different people, understanding how to maintain boundaries and build precious relationships. So @Dotandtime I do understand why you say what you have but I don't think it's a complete picture - all depends on who you know and what you've experienced - you might be right a lot of the time but some of the time you will definitely be completely wrong; some men want, value and like women as friends - and there can be many reasons for that.

I don't have any male friends, my husband is my best friend and all I need in a male. He has the same mindset and has no female friends. I've never been drawn to men for friendship, maybe I'm weird. But for me, having a male friend wouldn't happen.

"Far more often than not though, if the opportunity was there, he'd have sex with the 'friend'. At least if he was single. But then men view sex a lot differently to women."

Well, yes, many men would sleep with ANY woman who offered it on a plate, doesn't necessarily mean the friendship was only ever about that.

I have male friends. I would be happy if they could do DIY for me, but getting picked up late at night is really taking the p. I wouldn't expect that from anyone, nor would they do it! (Same for female friends).

I'm 70 and my best friend is a 50-year-old man. No sexual interest whatsoever

I’m 50 and extremely plain, and my male friends are all around my age. I can assure you they are not in it for the ego boost or a shag. At least, if they are, they’re playing an extremely long game. Since the mid-1990s in one case.

How depressing to find people still have such ridiculously entrenched ideas about sex.

I think men and women can be close friends, but if in a relationship with other people, I think it is inappropriate for that man and woman to meet up when it would just be the 2 of them. Majority of the time nothing would happen and most people aren’t cheats so wouldn’t want something to happen, but why put yourself in that situation where there could possibly be temptation

I have a close male friend who is my age (late 40's) and no frisson. We mostly talk about books and DIY.
So I don't think it's a given, though I suppose it's not uncommon either for males to be interested in their female friends non platonically.

I have always gravitated towards women for friendships, though it is women generally and definitely not an individual woman to exploit her vulnerability - if indeed she has one.

The reason why I have always made female friends is because a woman is a better communicator. A woman has more meaningful things to say. I originally thought in my teens and twenties that this was because girls matured quicker into women than men did into boys. The older I got the more I realise women are superior at communication than men. It is a woman who breathes life into a family mostly. It is a woman who takes the mental load compared to a man. Women have better things to say and less 'banter' if that makes sense. I only have to look on here to realise that. I have been on some amazing threads and have learned more from MN, even at my age. For sure there are some great and brilliant men in this world, but when we say that let's equally remember the great and brilliant women. I was never close to females in my upbringing. Communication was immature and almost a rote. I realise now, at 75, the world is messy, but women have had a rough time and because of that men have too. People only get the best out of another if they support them and make them feel empowered in all its different ways.

I shudder now at the world though. The porn, the wanton destruction of romance and the ideology behind redefining what a Woman is makes me fucking angry. We really do not need this.

Of course some men and some women can be friends. However, in my life I've had three very close male friends over the years and two of them eventually told me they had a crush on me and tried to start a relationship. The other was gay so wouldnt have ever found me attractive. I wasnt interested in any of them and thought of them as "brothers", not as romantic prospects.

Unfortunately, it kind of destroyed our friendships as they were disappointed when I said no and we never really recovered. Eventually, the two of them got married and their wives clearly werent comfortable with me remaining friends with them which I was very sad about but understood considering their previous feelings. So, I havent seen either of them for about 5 ish years.

Do I think its possible for men and women to be very close friends?- sure.
Is it super common for someone to catch feelings when spending prolonged time together and sharing intimate life details?- absolutely, and I think its a little naive to think this never happens.

I have many male friends, all my age. Maybe it's a generation thing.

No I don’t agree at all. I have several very close male friends. They are entirely platonic and all my own age. I don’t feel the need to be as friendly with their female partners any more than I want my female friends to bring along their male partners that I’m not close to.

it’s old fashioned and silly to think that men and women can never have platonic relationships.

Are you a time traveler from the 1850s?

I’m nearly 50 and grew up with close male friends. I think different people like different things. I’ve had close platonic friendships with male friends for over 40 years and they have not become sexual. I see them like brothers (or really I see them like close friends).

You're wrong. I had a close male friend as a young adult back in the late 80s-early 90s. Still friends now and has always been totally platonic.