Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Men with close female friends

51 replies

Dotandtime · 03/07/2023 15:04

First let me say of course men and women can be friends. I'm my circle there are several men I call friends. What I'm specifically talking about are those very close friendships where they almost always meet up 121, are "best" friends, know intimate details of each other's lives. They may have met partners the odd time but partners aren't generally included in the friendship or meet ups.

Is it just me or do these (often) middle aged men only ever have these kinds of friendships with women younger and more attractive than them? The kind of women they'd be punching above their weight if they had a romantic/sexual relationship with, although of course they'll claim that's not what they want anyway.

I know two men who have a number of these kinds of friendships. I think the women genuinely do see them as friends, very useful father figure type friends who will do their DIY and pick them up if they need it late at night, be emotional crutches when they're between relationships, but I'm not convinced at all about the men's motives. They never seem to have these close "plationic" relationships with women older or less attractive than them.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 03/07/2023 20:18

As ever it depends on the man and the situation.

If a man has form for befriending much younger and attractive women then it's probably fair to say that there's more to his friendship choices than platonic kindness.

If a man/woman has a range of friends, including people of the opposite sex and one of them happens to be younger and attractive then I think it's unreasonable to assume there's ulterior motives.

HaveAHeavenlyDay · 03/07/2023 20:18

*Yes.

It's a really unpopular opinion on here, but imo men and women cannot and should not be friends at all.

My parents (not that old), my grandparents, and basically everyone up until say 20-20 years ago - it would be unheard of for a man and a woman to be close friends*

Don't agree with this at all. Men and women absolutely can be platonic and close friends without any sexual undercurrent, and it absolutely is not a new thing. What an incredibly weird perspective to have on the world.

HaveAHeavenlyDay · 03/07/2023 20:19

As for the OP, no I don't recognise what you are describing at all. I know quite a few very close M/F friendships where the M is gay but I think that's just by chance.

Chatillon · 03/07/2023 20:25

Dotandtime · 03/07/2023 15:04

First let me say of course men and women can be friends. I'm my circle there are several men I call friends. What I'm specifically talking about are those very close friendships where they almost always meet up 121, are "best" friends, know intimate details of each other's lives. They may have met partners the odd time but partners aren't generally included in the friendship or meet ups.

Is it just me or do these (often) middle aged men only ever have these kinds of friendships with women younger and more attractive than them? The kind of women they'd be punching above their weight if they had a romantic/sexual relationship with, although of course they'll claim that's not what they want anyway.

I know two men who have a number of these kinds of friendships. I think the women genuinely do see them as friends, very useful father figure type friends who will do their DIY and pick them up if they need it late at night, be emotional crutches when they're between relationships, but I'm not convinced at all about the men's motives. They never seem to have these close "plationic" relationships with women older or less attractive than them.

Do the above replies help you @Dotandtime

You do seem to have raised this thread on the strength of two specific situations you have experience of. What do you garner from the replies now?

drpet49 · 03/07/2023 20:34

electricpeach · 03/07/2023 15:50

Yes.

It's a really unpopular opinion on here, but imo men and women cannot and should not be friends at all.

My parents (not that old), my grandparents, and basically everyone up until say 20-20 years ago - it would be unheard of for a man and a woman to be close friends.

What a load of nonsense.

Lilly0909 · 03/07/2023 20:42

My supposedly platonic male best friend got drunk recently and told me he's been 'waiting' for me for 10 years. At that point everything felt like a lie, like he'd just been hoping for his chance the whole time and that's why we'd been so close and he'd always been there for me. I'm ok with female friends, but not one on one close and intimate activities.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 03/07/2023 20:45

In my experience, no. Every guy I've thought was a good friend has had an agenda. It's such a let down when you realise they're only friends with you because they want something and not because they actually like you.

speluncean · 03/07/2023 20:48

My very best friend in the whole word is a bloke. We have been friends for 20 years.

There is absolutely nothing between us other than he's my best friend and I am his.

My kids call him uncle.

dancinginthesky · 03/07/2023 21:00

Well 🤷‍♀️ my straight attractive male best friend (currently single) ... is my best friend and I'm an overweight disabled woman with a whole bunch of issues

I'd be into him (if there was any point and it wouldn't affect our friendship) he wouldn't be into me - his type is very typically slim, stunning and confident

But he's my best friend.

speluncean · 03/07/2023 21:06

@dancinginthesky you are me. Also overweight but I'd say fat and disabled. Also autistic with ADHD.

My best friend isn't my type though nor I his. Not in the slightest.

QueefQueen80s · 03/07/2023 21:06

Certain type of men like this but I don't know any. Most men I know DO have female friends who they help out etc and they tend to be their age or older.

MrsCharlieD · 03/07/2023 21:08

One of my best friends is a man. We met at work 15 years ago and have been friends ever since. He's younger and more attractive than me but we bonded over our love for music and the friendship grew from there. We do meet up 121 and talk online frequently. My dh doesn't bat an eyelid, we were already close friends when I met dh. I believe my situation is probably fairly unique though, I'm very happily married and there's never been anything sexual between me and my friend.

TrishTrix · 03/07/2023 21:20

I've got male friends. The ones who were my friends first are from University days. The male friends I'm not in close contact with are the ones whose wives I never really gelled with.

These days I usually see my male friends with their wives and kids (if they have them) as we're all friending or the blokes on their own when they are passing through London on business. Usually for dinner. There are a couple who stay with me but as we get older most prefer a hotel (I only have one bathroom but do have a decent spare bed).

When we were younger things were a bit more leery but these days It's all very sedate and there has never been any flirting/ infidelity. It would be very odd after so long!

My favourite quote about it was when one female friend said "I love it when I know DH is seeing you in London as I know he'll eat a decent meal and probably drink less than if he goes out with his (male) colleagues or uni buddies".

Increasingly I've got independent friendships with friends' spouses.
We are all now mid 40s so have no known each other for years. I go skiing regularly with one such husband and the kids as my friend doesn't ski. It always causes confusion as people in the chalet/ hotel try to work out the relationships. I'm close to the children too and see them independently as well now they are teenagers.

Torven · 03/07/2023 21:21

I think people with preconceived ideas about friendship based on sex are are lame.

DisquietintheRanks · 03/07/2023 21:23

electricpeach · 03/07/2023 15:50

Yes.

It's a really unpopular opinion on here, but imo men and women cannot and should not be friends at all.

My parents (not that old), my grandparents, and basically everyone up until say 20-20 years ago - it would be unheard of for a man and a woman to be close friends.

Yes well this is bollocks. No offense to your grandparents but utter bollocks.

dancinginthesky · 03/07/2023 21:26

@DisquietintheRanks it's also bollocks amongst some older people. My nan now has friendships that are close with all the widowers of who used to be her besties but have passed.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 03/07/2023 21:35

I'd say half my close friends are male, no sexual undercurrents at all. I feel the notion that grown ups can't be friends because they're not the same sex is really weird and ppl who believe this are missing out on potentially great friendships.

GrumpyPanda · 03/07/2023 21:38

YABU. I've had close male friends both rhe same age and younger. One good friend at least 15 years younger- we met as next door neighbours, had completely separate social circles but would chat or text often. We'd also frequently dine out together - both serious foodies, and many local colleagues considered fine dining frivolous so really a shared hobby. Maybe it's a matter of social circumstances?

AnorLondo · 03/07/2023 21:42

electricpeach · 03/07/2023 15:50

Yes.

It's a really unpopular opinion on here, but imo men and women cannot and should not be friends at all.

My parents (not that old), my grandparents, and basically everyone up until say 20-20 years ago - it would be unheard of for a man and a woman to be close friends.

What a sad way of looking at the world.

beeskipa · 03/07/2023 21:44

Ah yes, the monthly 'bisexual people shouldn't have friends because you can't be friends with someone you might theoretically be attracted to' thread... right on time!

I have male friends. DH has female friends. Both of us have had those friends for a decade or more, there has never been anything sexual. I find it really really weird that some people are clearly so unable to stop thinking about fucking anyone of the sex they're attracted to that they can't be friends with them, tbh.

OhBling · 03/07/2023 21:48

I both agree and disagree. I have male friends I am close to (although admittedlyy, not on a day to day basis) but these are friends I've had for many many years.

I think a 45-50 year old man (ie my age) becoming very close friends with a new female friend would be weird. And vice versa. My relationship with Jack, John and Pete are fine but DH would take a dim view if I met Ben and become good friends with him.

Recycledblonde · 03/07/2023 21:53

Blimey, I'm nearly 60 and have quite a few male friends who I meet 1-1. for drinks/lunch, never felt the need to shag them. I work with some of them and spend 12 hour shifts with just them.
My husband has some close female friends, some are attractive and some are not, he meets them for lunch/drinks. We've been happily married for well over 30 years.

menit · 03/07/2023 21:57

I was the female in some friendships like this when I was younger. There was definitely always a sexual undercurrent. In some cases, the man would make a pass at me when I'd come out of a relationship and was single. I did find the attention flattering and it was a nice way for me to have company and friendship without the complexities of a relationship (I've never had many female friends).

All of the friendships with men fizzled out once I was in a relationship with DH (when we were dating, but before getting married). DH was never aware of it or asked me, it just didn't feel appropriate and tbh I didn't feel the need for them any more.

DH doesn't have any female friends (or male ones for that matter). I have never said so, but I'd feel uncomfortable with it. I've been in relationships with men who had close female friends and I could not manage to contain feelings of jealousy (although I never expressed it). My parents have never had friends of the opposite sex (although they have couple friends where the men are buddies and the women are close). And DH's parents are the same.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2023 16:16

"My relationship with Jack, John and Pete are fine but DH would take a dim view if I met Ben and become good friends with him."

This is a bit unfair though isn't it. What if Jack dies, John moves away and Pete starts doing shift work so he's never available to socialise. You can't make new male friends? Some people (OK, me) only get along with a limited number of people and there's no way I'd restrict that to one sex.

Gwenhwyfar · 04/07/2023 16:18

"couple friends where the men are buddies and the women are close"

This is something I've never understood. Why would you necessarily be friends with a woman just because she's your boyfriend's friend's girlfriend? And why would you necessarily click more with her than with him.
And also, people with couple friends are the ones who complain of being totally abandoned if they split up or are widowed and sometimes ones who abandon their own single friends.