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Original poster

My friends brother has died suddenly. What do I put in a card?

35 replies

Helpmeihavea3yearold · 26/06/2022 16:56

I'm rubbish with words and never know the right thing to say. I've messaged to say I'm so sorry but I want to send a card and some flowers.

What do I put in the card? And should I get flowers sent or drop them off?

Should I send her mum a card & flowers too? I've only met her once but feels right to do so.

He was only 40 and it's a sudden death

OP posts:
BingeBaby · 26/06/2022 17:01

I'd have the flowers delivered OP. The last thing your friend probably wants is to see people at the moment as her grief will be raw and she's likely in shock.

I'd keep the card short and simple, something along the lines of 'Thinking of you at this difficult time' or words to that effect.

I probably wouldn't send their mum flowers but if you want to then go for it.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 26/06/2022 17:03

Send the card to your friend ‘and family’ and just say how sorry you are and to please let you know if she needs anything at all. There isn’t much as else you can say as they’ll all be going through hell right now.

Speaking as someone who has been in your friend’s position, she’ll really appreciate that you’re there for her.

userxx · 26/06/2022 17:03

If she's a good friend, then take the flowers over and have a cup of tea with her. I'd need my friends around me.

Yafilthyanimal · 26/06/2022 17:04

Sorry for your loss.

No amount of words, cards or flowers will ever make you feel better but please know I am thinking of you .

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or just want to go out for coffee etc , I am here.

When someone close to me died , I couldn't function and don't want to see anyone immediately after but I know everyone is different.
I couldn't eat or sleep . I didn't like messages asking asking questions, just the ones that send me love, well wishes etc.

Dancingwithhyenas · 26/06/2022 17:04

userxx · 26/06/2022 17:03

If she's a good friend, then take the flowers over and have a cup of tea with her. I'd need my friends around me.

This

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 26/06/2022 17:05

And yes, send the flowers rather than deliver them yourself. It’s difficult to face people when you’ve just lost someone.

Namechange600 · 26/06/2022 17:06

Also been in same position recently. It was lovely to have cards which acknowledged our huge loss and just reaching out and offering help was also hugely appreciated. Friends who offered to come and see me and listen were hugely appreciated too. You sound like a very good friend x

HippeePrincess · 26/06/2022 17:08

I’d prefer a takeaway voucher or a meal deal so I didn’t need to think about shopping and text you’ll be dropping it off, she can invite you in or not if she feels like it.

Musicaltheatremum · 26/06/2022 17:10

Maybe cook a meal and leave it on doorstep rather than send flowers. I got so many when my husband died I had to go to the shops to get more vases which I really struggled with.
Don't worry what to put in the card. But in 6 weeks time when everyone else has gone back to normal go and knock on her door and offer support. It's amazing how many offers you get of help early on but few come to fruition.

Tigerteafor3 · 26/06/2022 17:10

I wouldn't send flowers. I'd take over easy to eat food. Either bread and cheese type stuff or microwavable meals.

Send a text saying you'll be doing a drop off about x o'clock, and to text before hand if she wants some company, otherwise you'll leave it on the door stop.

As for the card "no words can ease your grief but know I am always here for you"

Short and sweet.

KappaChino · 26/06/2022 17:12

Having experienced two major losses in the last few years, I can honestly say it doesn't really matter what you write in the card - the fact that you bothered to send one and to acknowledge the loss of the person is the main thing, and it meant a great deal to me, especially afterwards when the initial wave of sympathy had passed, and I had time to sit down and go through cards. Not everyone is good with words at a time like this, and let's face it, there's nothing original or groundbreaking to say.

tattychicken · 26/06/2022 17:13

When we had a sudden death in the family the abundance of flowers were actually quite hard work. We were barely functioning and the effort of finding another vase/cutting stems etc was almost too much. Sounds ridiculous now but at the time getting from minute to minute was all we could concentrate on.
Easy meals/snacks, a ton of homemade biscuits would have been welcomed. We couldn't eat properly and lived off tea and biscuits for days.

tattychicken · 26/06/2022 17:14

*tin of homemade biscuits.

VenusClapTrap · 26/06/2022 17:15

Some people would prefer the flowers delivered so they don’t have to face anyone, but other people appreciate seeing a close friend face to face and talking. It’s very personal. Only you know your friend and which it’s likely to be. If in doubt, maybe write “I’m here if you need to talk” in the card and then follow up with a text 24hrs later asking how she’s feeling and telling her she’s in your thoughts. Her response (or lack of) will indicate if she wants to be left alone.

Just don’t avoid her - I’m someone who needs my friends around me in a crisis and I found it really hard that a lot of them avoided me.

SummerPuddings · 26/06/2022 17:15

If they are a good friend i'd drop some food round. I'd just give them
A huge hug and say I'm so sorryI love you. I'm here if you need anything just shout.

If not such a good friend i'd send a card saying the same xxx

catfunk · 26/06/2022 17:15

Bear in mind they may have loads of flowers arriving and not enough vases which is stressful in itself.
I'd send a nice card saying you're thinking of them and let you know if you fancy a cuppa with a meal voucher.

motogirl · 26/06/2022 17:17

If you know your friends mum reasonably well send a card to her too otherwise it's fine to say think of you and all you family.

Then I would slip a note into it (people keep the cards) saying that you are so sorry and if there's anything you can do to help your friend just to let you know - for instance I ran my friends kids to their hobby a couple of times and had them to tea one day because my friend was busy dealing with the bureaucracy that follows a bereavement

CarburyChocolateRules · 26/06/2022 17:18

I wouldn't send flowers

They have prob received sooo many

DiorForBreakfast · 26/06/2022 17:32

As someone who has very recently been on the receiving end of this kind of sympathy, please don't send flowers unless they are already arranged in a vase or something similar. We were over run with beautiful flowers, ran out of vases, and lots ended up in a couple of big buckets on the kitchen floor. We were enormously grateful for all the expressions of love and support, but quite honestly the amount of work those flowers made was just overwhelming.

LesLavandes · 26/06/2022 17:38

Some self care products for her or

A beautiful scented candle

CornishTiger · 26/06/2022 17:40

How close a friend?

When I had a sudden bereavement I cried and cried at the flowers arriving. But the close friends dropping by with a hug , flowers , chocolate were welcome. They were in shock too.

sonjadog · 26/06/2022 17:51

From my experience, what is said isn't actually that important as acknowledging the loss, and being available. I remember who was there for me and not the words that were said. My mind was on other things than that. Also, as a bereaved person I was aware that other people do find it hard to know what to say and do, so if someone was a bit awkward in what they said or did, I wasn't annoyed as I knew it came from a good place.

The friends who I remember helped me most were those who dropped around food with no expectation of being invited in, and the ones who texted me every night to let me know they were thinking of me and would answer instantly if I needed a chat even if they were busy, and the ones who took me out for coffee and talked about completely different things when I needed a break from it all.

Kezzie200 · 26/06/2022 17:53

Flowers aren't necessary.

The cards we received on Mums passing were really lovely. My Dad couldn't open them at first but did a week later. Lots of tears but so lovely to receive people best wishes and their happy memories of Mum.

I don't know how well you knew him but if you have a good memory, do share it in the card.

MrsAliceRichards · 26/06/2022 18:06

We've had two recent family bereavements. I would suggest not going down the flower route as so many people send them and like other posters have said it can be overwhelming. After my grandmother died many years ago we had a ton of lilies delivered and to this day I hate the smell and it brings me straight back. What really helped us was lots of packets of biscuits, milk, baked goods and lasagnes that could be put in the freezer, ditto the likes of fish pies, shepherds pies etc. I'm in Ireland and people tend to really arrive and drop in so the more stuff like that on hand the better. What an awful loss, 40 is no age whatsoever.

heliosunburg · 26/06/2022 18:09

Bring a plant she can keep, maybe one for her mum if you know her. Go for a chat too, i don't imagine many want to be left alone as they grieve, it's nice to be surrounded by family and friends, not left by yourself because everyone's 'giving you space'

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