My friends brother has died suddenly. What do I put in a card?

[Helpmeihavea3yearold]

I'm rubbish with words and never know the right thing to say. I've messaged to say I'm so sorry but I want to send a card and some flowers.

What do I put in the card? And should I get flowers sent or drop them off?

Should I send her mum a card & flowers too? I've only met her once but feels right to do so.

He was only 40 and it's a sudden death

When my dad died lots of people dropped off meals, shopping, tea and biscuits which we were so grateful for. I couldn't have faced going to the shops to buy bread etc. Cook do meal boxes and I ordered one for my friend when she had a baby to save her from cooking. You could do similar and it's a better use of money than buying flowers imo.

www.cookfood.net/menu/meal-boxes

when my husband died - I was overwhelmed with flowers and got quite stressed having to find vases and sort them out etc. The cards meant so much to me though - it didn’t matter what people wrote - I know what they meant xx

The other thing about flowers - if you're in two minds about sending them - is that some people are upset by the inevitable dying of the flowers in a few days, having to throw them away, etc. Losing someone, especially at such a relatively young age, can suddenly make 'things' feel a bit irrelevant; one of my friends thoughtfully gave me a beautiful aromatherapy candle that I would have fallen on with joy at any other time, but then, in the total headfuck middle of funeral planning and working out how to empty my DM's house, my only thought was, Why?

having said that, some people feel comforted by flowers and would love to relax with a candle - we're all different. But if in doubt, you can't go wrong with a simple card, a genuine expression of sympathy, a concrete offer of help (eg, picking up kids, dog walking) and/or a frozen lasagne.

Marks and Spencer's and John Lewis do plants and little trees eg olive/Holly for delivery which are lovely and more permanent and less work than flowers. Can just be popped by the front door and left.

Like this...

Agree with pp. When dd1 died I hated the physical reminder from the flowers and asked people not to send. The sweetest things were all food related…someone left lasagne on our doorstep, someone else left homemade soup and bread, and our nct friends put a hamper of food together.

For the card:
Dear x

I am so sorry to hear the news about x. I know there is nothing I can say to make this better but I am here for you whenever you are ready to [talk, cry, drink wine together].

Thinking of you,
x

My DH died recently, cards a lot to me it didn't matter what was written in them, one lovely friend sent me tea and biscuits and another sent cakes. Flowers died and that seemed to reiterate my feelings of grief and loss. I appreciated seeing people too as the loneliness was overwhelming at times.

When my sister died I did appreciate the thought behind flowers but they were just another thing that died so another reminder of death.

When my dad died I had a card that had a personal memory of his character, it was lovely and I still remember it now. It was nice to think about how he was seen from others perspectives and the impact he had on them.

If I ever have to send a sympathy card and I knew the individual I try to include a little memory of them if I can.

Just want to add to all the advice that if you text her, it’s quite nice to say you don’t expect a reply but just want her to know that she’s not alone and can contact you (or similar). Take that pressure off feeling the need to reply can be really good but knowing that if she wants to you are there.