How to be a better mum

[Helpneeded5]

First time ever doing this, and the mum's.net process was actually intimidating 😳. I really want to change how I parent my amazing children. I get frustrated way too easily and shout way more often than is necessary. And it's shit. Shouting doesn't work and my kids are amazing but Shouting is my go-to response. I need to change....anyway, googling books- all I've got is sponsored ads. Are there any tried and tested recommendations? Not to offend, but I'd just really like to hear from anyone that has tried something that has worked. Thanks

I'm very aware that I'm hurting my kids feelings and would really appreciate some advice on how I can change

Shouting really doesn’t work and I wish I had acknowledged this earlier. Well done!

Would it help to work out what mostly triggers your frustration and shouting?

I love the book “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen”. Lots of great strategies.

i have a good friend who felt she was becoming a bit too shouty. She made herself a sticker chart and put it on the fridge! Every day for a month, if she managed a day without yelling, she and her DDs (7&5) would put a sticker on her chart. When she had a full card of stickers, the agreement was that the whole family would go out to their favourite restaurant.

Because the whole family was now “on the same team”, hoping that Mama would get those stickers, on days when she was really struggling not to yell, she was able to explain to the girls how upset she was feeling, and they would help problem solve how to behave better or how to feel less annoyed. I thought this was a really neat idea. It gave her girls insight into how adults can struggle with big emotions too, and it gave my friend some leeway and grace to make mistakes while trying out new parenting strategies. Worth considering! :-)

Thank you both. Really strange putting my issue out there and other people taking the time to respond. And definitely didn't expect it at this hour lol
There's no "well done" needed, and I'm not trying to be rude 💓. Also, I know congratulations myself on a sticker chart would become my wall of shame. I would really like to know which book or podcast has worked best for anyone else like me

In our house there’s more shouting when people are overtired or overstretched or stressed. Then any small thing can be the straw that breaks the camels back. It could be worth checking if you are getting enough time to sleep, relax, have fun, meet your own needs?

I would say getting to know your triggers and taking better care of yourself so you own your own shit and don't act it out on your kids is critical. So for instance, as PP says above, knowing that you must have strategies in place to prevent you from being overwhelmed and exhausted as much as possible. It's then all about practising your new ways of being over and over to learn how to choose them over your shouting go to.

The book mentioned above is good. But there is another one called "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so they will talk" is even better. Also " the book you wish your parents had read".

We had a lot of shouting in childhood and I had therapy to ensure I was not like that. You can break the cycle with practice but you need new skills to replace it with, and self awareness! Well done for making a start!

I'm sorry, @UpToMyElbowsInDiapers but, a sticker chart where your friends children congratulate her daily with a star for not shouting at them. And then your friend is rewarded with a meal at the end of the week? I'm sorry, but I must have come to the wrong place for help and advice.

It works for her even if it's not for you.

I think you’re after a quick fix and that’s not going to happen. It’s a process that will take time and involve some trial and error.

The poster was trying to help you with a suggestion that worked for her friend (I think it's a great one).

No need to be rude about it.

You asked people to share what had worked! So they did! If you didn’t like the suggestion just move on to the next message, no need to try and shame her & piss all over their helpful reply

I also thought the "How to talk so Kids Will Listen" book was excellent. Really helpful.

OP, mumsnet has hundreds of thousands of users, all with different ideas, some of which will be helpful, some good but not any use to you, and some will be intentionally nasty. That is the nature of a huge anonymous public forum.
Don't be rude to people who are trying to help like UpToMyElbows (great idea by the way).

How to talk so kids will listen
Playful parenting
The organised mum method (removes a lot of stress)

Blimey OP, what a response to help.

hopefully you aren’t that rude/sarcastic to your kids when they are trying to be helpful.

I read The book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry when I had my eldest and found it really interesting. It really helped me reflect on how I parent, why I respond the way I do and how to respond differently and more effectively in situations.

Pps have already recommended How to talk so little kids will listen and I also recommend that too.

I've also found following some insta accounts helpful for more daily bitesize info. I really rate the following accounts:
Biglittlefeelings (toddler behaviour)
mrchazz (respectful parenting, how to break toxic cycles in parenting)
Thepsychologymum (more useful for your own wellbeing and reflection on your own feelings and triggers)
Healthiest_baby (toddler and pre schooler focused)
Drbeckyatgoodinside (covers wide range of parenting issues from sharing to dramatic kids to getting kids out the door)

Good luck OP- I found doing some reading, self reflection and just trying to parent in a different way really transformative. I certainly don't get it right every day or even every hour sometimes but I feel better equipped to reflect after and recognise how I might have handled a situation better or differently. I've also learned it is absolutely ok to apologise to my kids when I've not responded in the best way and by doing so I model to Them the importance of recognising and trying to right mistakes and also shown them I love and respect them.

Less booze( for all the adults), more sleep (for everyone), more exercise ( for everyone) less sugar (for everyone).

Fresh air everyday.

So really what others have said self- care.

Wow I hope I don't get a response like previous PP !
However I used to shout a lot and we have moved to a reward based thing for DS
So when he is good we give him stickers and congratulate him, when he is bad I just ignore him (which he doesn't like at all) if it's a serious issue we talk to him about how he made us feel and why it's wrong and the real consequence behind it
So eg, he once bit me, so as I was hurt I couldn't then play with him.
Also if he doesn't eat his dinner, that's fine but he doesn't have 'treats until tea time'
I've tried to basically use 'natural consequence' method as a guide

As also PP have said you will get all different ideas, it's just picking ones out that work for you and your children ☺️

I diffuse everything with fun unless the DC are in danger of death. So if they're doing something they aren't I do the whole "right thats it!.......who is going to be chased by the mummy monster first!?"

Sometimes the DC get overly silly (3 and 7 so not a huge surprise) and so we have quiet down time with books. No screen time generally improves their behaviour which reduces my temptation to shout.

Failing that, get bad hayfever and a scratchy throat so you can't 😁

I diffuse everything with fun unless the DC are in danger of death. So if they're doing something they aren't I do the whole "right thats it!.......who is going to be chased by the mummy monster first!?"

I'm not a huge fan of this to be honest. It's a bit close to rewarding bad behaviour for me and doesn't calm the situation at all. It perpetuates the high expressed emotion and you then have them screaming with faux fear and/ or delight when you are just trying to eg: get them dressed.

You asked for help. A stranger tried to help. You misread their message, initially thanked them and then called them out again specifically to try and embarrass them with sarcasm about their friend? Look at the time. You’ve been given some good advice. You’re going to be tired today. When I am tired and eat too much sugar I can get too shouty because of too many hormone fluctuations and too much being shouted at as a child. Know your triggers.

I just wanted to acknowledge that I think this is a fantastic way to address the issue and bring the family together to gain an understanding of it and to help solve it!

You seem rude and controlling (telling people from the outset the conditions for posting ideas-that’s not always how friendly and free advice works).

I thought this was a really good idea, kids learn adults aren’t perfect and struggle with emotions too. Both sides are working on being a team and building each other up. It’s a good life lesson for kids IMO.

OP your responses haven’t passed the vibe check for me, maybe have a think how you respond to situations at home. With how direct and a little bit rude you were I’m not surprised you shout a lot. Your general style of communication seems off and maybe it’s not just how you talk to your kids. Look at other relationships including adults.

Each to their own. Our household is fun rather than strict for sure, but growing up in a very strict household I was keen I didn't follow suit with my parenting style. They do get stern tickings off but I do try to consider what I'm telling them off for, and a lot of the time it was for normal behaviour that just annoyed me rather than actual bad behaviour.

I thought the sticker idea was good too. It shows the kids that you can all try to improve behaviour, that family can support each other and that sometimes the adults need help too.
I found the ahaparenting site really helpful when I was struggling with young dc.

www.ahaparenting.com/