How to be a better mum

[Helpneeded5]

First time ever doing this, and the mum's.net process was actually intimidating 😳. I really want to change how I parent my amazing children. I get frustrated way too easily and shout way more often than is necessary. And it's shit. Shouting doesn't work and my kids are amazing but Shouting is my go-to response. I need to change....anyway, googling books- all I've got is sponsored ads. Are there any tried and tested recommendations? Not to offend, but I'd just really like to hear from anyone that has tried something that has worked. Thanks

I hear you. I had a parent who constantly shouted at me and honestly it took me doing the same to my kids to stop holding it against my parent. I hated them, right up until I started doing it then I realised my parent was not this awful monster, or maybe I too was an awful monster, but before I started doing it I absolutely hated my parent to the point I wouldn't care if they died (I thought). They are still here and to be honest they are such a bitter and spiteful person that yeah I do still kind of dislike them but I maintain a relationship all the same. They shouted at me what felt like every day right up until I left home, which was as soon as I could.

But it's given me the foresight to stop doing it to my child. My child is only young but we have a lovely relationship and I've never hit them and try my best not to shout at them. My child knows I have resolved not to shout and they say 'you said you would not shout'

I think shouting at children is lazy and pathetic behaviour.

I have to literally stop myself and do a little breather. I have to do this and it makes me look crazy but it's better than blowing off. Being brought up that way really fucks you up!

I just think it's as simple as stopping and talking yourself down internally. Do it until it becomes habit.

'There's no such thing as naughty' by Kate Silverton. It explains children's brain development and why they behave the way they do. I've read some of the other books suggested upthread but this is the one that helped me the most.

How old are your children? Why do you shout at them?

If you regularly shout at them a few things will happen. They won’t take you seriously because you overreact and they’ll start to tune you out so you have to shout louder to get a reaction. They won’t talk to you because you’re shouty mum not kind listening mum. They won’t respect you. They’ll think shouting is a normal way to communicate. It’s not.

You’ve had some great advice and I also recommend the How to talk book, Philippa Perry’s book and Janet Lansbury (for younger kids) who has books, a Facebook group and a podcast.

If this is how you’re parenting at the moment there’s no quick fix. You’re taking the right step by trying to change but it’s not going to happen overnight and it’s not going to happen because anyone else changes. You’re the one who has to change and you can start today if you want to.

I agree Phillipa Perry’s book is great though I didn’t get to read it until my youngest were 12 and 14. It was thought provoking but I wish I’d had it earlier.
When I was in the thick of it, 4 kids under 10 say, and felt myself getting wound up I would imagine the SuperNanny cameras in the corner of my sitting room. I knew what I should be doing I just needed the threat of judgement/public humiliation to force me to control myself.
Lots of time outside in nature also helps. They’re less irritating in the open air and the greenery helps everyone calm down.

Sounds like you need advice on manners too.