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Those with no friends - do you hide it?

202 replies

LottieTx · 05/05/2022 13:27

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:07

Lots of good point raised. @LottieTx You said a relation said never trust someone without friends. I would counter that with never trust someone with a lot of friends, they are either drama llamas or deceiving themselves and others. Not all friends are friends, they are often only acquaintances at best or key board bots at best.

Organictangerine · 06/05/2022 13:11

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:07

Lots of good point raised. @LottieTx You said a relation said never trust someone without friends. I would counter that with never trust someone with a lot of friends, they are either drama llamas or deceiving themselves and others. Not all friends are friends, they are often only acquaintances at best or key board bots at best.

I’m sorry that sounds very jealous and unnecessarily spiteful. Unfair judging goes both ways.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:25

No not jealous or spiteful. Just what I would suggest was said to someone who was horrible enough to say that a person without friends is not to be trusted. Or is that an acceptable thing to say to someone who, for whatever reason doesn’t have friends and may, in fact be lonely and very lost in this world. ?? Have we really reached a point where we are not allowed to defend our position in this world, when someone else makes baseless allegations?!
If so, it makes me glad I no longer bother with making friends or reaching out to others with offers to help, if this is really the case.

Organictangerine · 06/05/2022 13:28

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:25

No not jealous or spiteful. Just what I would suggest was said to someone who was horrible enough to say that a person without friends is not to be trusted. Or is that an acceptable thing to say to someone who, for whatever reason doesn’t have friends and may, in fact be lonely and very lost in this world. ?? Have we really reached a point where we are not allowed to defend our position in this world, when someone else makes baseless allegations?!
If so, it makes me glad I no longer bother with making friends or reaching out to others with offers to help, if this is really the case.

Your answer is just to make another baseless allegation? Really?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:36

@Organictangerine not baseless at all. Please read op posts and read my reply. Perhaps even read the thread? You have accused me of being spiteful and jealous, when I haven’t written anything to that effect. However, your replies do reinforce my belief that people are too much hard work and very glad I no longer need or see the reason for knowing people.

Organictangerine · 06/05/2022 13:38

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:36

@Organictangerine not baseless at all. Please read op posts and read my reply. Perhaps even read the thread? You have accused me of being spiteful and jealous, when I haven’t written anything to that effect. However, your replies do reinforce my belief that people are too much hard work and very glad I no longer need or see the reason for knowing people.

Why are you on here then?

timestheyarechanging · 06/05/2022 13:40

This is very sad. I don't know where I'd be without my friends being my support network through divorce etc. they have all stayed friends with both me and my ExH (we are friends)
I've got the same friends I had when I was 16 and I'm 51 now, plus women I met through kids' school - they're adults now. Plus a couple of work friends. I probably see a friend once a fortnight for lunch, dinner or an event.
I love my partner and spending most of my time with him but I still need my time with my female friends.
I've been friends with my best friend since we were 12, we went travelling together 18-19 and again 22-23, speak on the phone weekly and still see each other every couple of months despite being now an hour and a half away from each other.
How do you manage to get through life without friends, I imagine you must have close family?
I'm also close to my older sister. We message daily and see each other at least once a month, probably more. Doing a joint Father's Day lunch at hers for our dad (nearly 80) and my nephew next month.
Seeing my two friends who I met through my sons nursery (he's now nearly 18) for lunch next week and day out with my best friend the following week as we want to see one of the Afterlife benches. We'll have a picnic

WoozieFloozie · 06/05/2022 13:42

@sjxoxo & @PineMartenPeanutbutter
There is a Mumsnet Facebook mums/friend group call ChuMNs, it was started with the same idea of mumsnetters making friends but it's a bit slow sometimes with regards to people posting/updating things.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:42

@Organictangerine you are confusing a discussion forum board with the notion of friendship. They are chalk and cheese.

Organictangerine · 06/05/2022 13:44

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 13:42

@Organictangerine you are confusing a discussion forum board with the notion of friendship. They are chalk and cheese.

But it goes to show wanting interaction and discussion etc with other humans is there in even the most antisocial people.

I think you’re being very unkind about people with friends. Fair enough if you don’t want any but there’s no need to be rude about those who do.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 06/05/2022 13:45

I don’t hide it but I don’t advertise it if that makes sense?

Wordwatcher · 06/05/2022 13:46

This is me. Early fifties. Long lonely weekends. Thought it was largely attributable to being deaf and significant speech impairment but reading this thread seems I’m not alone in being alone. How to change this, though?

MrsRCBlack · 06/05/2022 13:49

Extremely interesting thread. From my experience, those in their early twenties who get into serious relationships tend to have less friends than those who were single during that period of life & built up deep friendships with lots of shared experiences. I have also noticed nasty women with large friendship circles, but I don't believe they're deep friendships.

I personally have one close friend from secondary school (godmother to each other's kids), a few from university (meet up every few months, occasional weekends away, voice messages with life updates), one good friend from primary school (see her every week), one I met through another friend and then a group of four girls from my postgrad (we dont really text apart from to set up our semi-annual trip or night out). I have an amazing DH that I do a lot with and my best friends are probably my sister and my dad 😂 in comparison to those my age at work though I feel like I barely have any friends!! I never had the huge girl group thing.

everythingisgoingup · 06/05/2022 13:56

What a wonderful quote from Daniel Radcliffe, sums me up perfectly 😊

Notthatbusy · 06/05/2022 14:20

I am a super introvert. It never occurs to me to NEED to socialise. I have a DH, DC and good relationship with family. But I have noticed that too much wfh and not enough human interaction has really affected my mental health and made me hyper self-obssessed/inward looking.

I am weird in that I see the friends I do have individually. Just one on one. I don't have a group - they're all different and I don't think they would blend together very well. Anyone else? They're also most definitely not 'call at 3am friends'.

LottieTx · 06/05/2022 14:31

timestheyarechanging · 06/05/2022 13:40

This is very sad. I don't know where I'd be without my friends being my support network through divorce etc. they have all stayed friends with both me and my ExH (we are friends)
I've got the same friends I had when I was 16 and I'm 51 now, plus women I met through kids' school - they're adults now. Plus a couple of work friends. I probably see a friend once a fortnight for lunch, dinner or an event.
I love my partner and spending most of my time with him but I still need my time with my female friends.
I've been friends with my best friend since we were 12, we went travelling together 18-19 and again 22-23, speak on the phone weekly and still see each other every couple of months despite being now an hour and a half away from each other.
How do you manage to get through life without friends, I imagine you must have close family?
I'm also close to my older sister. We message daily and see each other at least once a month, probably more. Doing a joint Father's Day lunch at hers for our dad (nearly 80) and my nephew next month.
Seeing my two friends who I met through my sons nursery (he's now nearly 18) for lunch next week and day out with my best friend the following week as we want to see one of the Afterlife benches. We'll have a picnic

Erm thanks? Both for the pity and for the full itinerary of your lovely plans. I appreciate that sounds grossly bitter but reading the tone of this thread your post slightly irked me. Apologies.

Funny enough even though I don’t have friends and would like some friends I do manage to get through life.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 06/05/2022 14:31

@Organictangerine I am not antisocial. I opt not to be social. Semantics - but important to note the difference.
Being on a forum doesn’t equate to needing social/human interaction. You have no idea who is on the other end of an electronic connection - no idea of what they look like, where they are, their back ground, gender, ethnicity, religion or - even if they are real or just an algorithm.
As for being rude - so to you, someone stating their response to someone being extremely rude and derogatory to the friendless is being rude. To you, asking someone to read and understand what was written is rude? I don’t think you know what being rude actually is.
Yes people can have friends if they want - it is rude to accuse people of being untrustworthy for not having friends. That is what my post was about - giving the op a response to a very rude relative.

MistyFuckingQuigley · 06/05/2022 14:40

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/05/2022 09:50

I only count someone a friend if I've known them for years, been out on the razz with them, had weekends away etc.

I wonder if some people literally count every person they have some sort of regular contact with a friend 🤔 I might start doing that, I'd sound really popular! I'm not.

I do think you're a bit stringent. As an adult I have plenty of friends I've never been on a weekend away with, and I don't honestly think that says anything about the quality of a friendship (based on some of the people I have been stuck on weekends away with).

If I am regularly and voluntarily spending my free time socialising with someone because we both enjoy it, as far as I'm concerned that is a friend.

Oh yes definitely too stringent. This thread has made me rethink my attitude to friendship. In a good way.

MrsRCBlack · 06/05/2022 14:40

@timestheyarechanging yeah probably not the right tone for this thread....

@LottieTx I'm so sorry to hear it's tough at the mo. Local churches are very welcoming and you can make some good friends there. Just go with an open mind if you're open to that kind of thing - if they're good churches they'll welcome those 'testing the waters' who aren't actually Christians. Sending love x

MistyFuckingQuigley · 06/05/2022 14:42

@timestheyarechanging read the room love 🤣

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 06/05/2022 14:43

I don't hide it at all. My DP doesn't have any either and it doesn't bother him.
I've always found it very difficult to make friends, no idea why.

I don't feel any need for social contact but I do admit going through a divorce would have been easier if I'd had someone to talk to.

LottieTx · 06/05/2022 14:43

MistyFuckingQuigley · 06/05/2022 14:42

@timestheyarechanging read the room love 🤣

😂 us friendless wonders should meet up for our own picnic

OP posts:
YellowDahlia · 06/05/2022 14:45

I am a super introvert. It never occurs to me to NEED to socialise. I have a DH, DC and good relationship with family. But I have noticed that too much wfh and not enough human interaction has really affected my mental health and made me hyper self-obssessed/inward looking.

@Notthatbusy I could have written this. Also an introvert and very happy with my own company, but the past two years have reduced contact with friends and acquaintances so much that I now feel really quite lonely. I changed jobs recently and hoped that might help, meeting new team members - but we mostly wfh and a lot of them live quite far away, so socialising is unlikely.

I do have one really good friend, and some local mum friends/acquaintances but we've fallen out of the habit of meeting up, mainly because of the pandemic I think. I often wish I had a best friend, or a small group of close friends I can confide in, trust to provide perspective on issues or a shoulder to cry on, enjoy a drink/day out together. I feel envious of people who have found their people, their best friends to experience this sort of thing together. I have DH, family members I can talk to I suppose but I actually rarely confide in them, there doesn't seem to be the opportunity for deep and meaningful chats in our usual meetings or interactions. So I'm currently finding so many thoughts, ideas, fears, worries bouncing around in my head that it's driving me a bit mad, I know it's not healthy.

OP to answer your question I don't hide it - but then no-one asks, and I have no-one to share it with, which is the whole problem!

bettbburg · 06/05/2022 14:46

Yes, I do.

ItsFor · 06/05/2022 14:49

I don't have any friends on a day-to-day basis

I used to have friends but they drifted off with life changes, or they were the sort of friends that only were your friend when they wanted you to do something for them

Not sure if i ever had any real friends, but although I think I'm nice and kind there must be some reason why I'm not popular

I'm pretty rubbish at setting boundaries

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