Those with no friends - do you hide it?

[LottieTx]

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

Yesterday I was talking to someone who has a very active social life. They have friends staying nearly every weekend. Loads of hobbies. Just been out for cocktails and a comedy club with a group of friends. It made me feel quite abnormal, but I also thought their life sounds utterly exhausting.

Agree! I love my friends best when we're out of the house and meeting for a couple of hours, max.
I help one friend with her horses and really enjoy that interaction. I've known her for years, chat is mainly horse based and the occasional 'do you remember?'
I don't think I'd want to go on holiday with her though.
I often wonder if people just have different views on what constitutes a friend.

I think I do better in a small group of people rather than with just one friend. Apart from one very close, old friend, I'd never contact just one friend to go out for a coffee, meal etc. I think I'd be imposing on them and they probably wouldn't want to be there. I think the problem might be in my head.

I often wonder if people just have different views on what constitutes a friend.

Yes I think they do. I only count someone a friend if I've known them for years, been out on the razz with them, had weekends away etc. I don't count the lovely school mums I know as friends, just acquaintances. Which doesn't mean I don't like them or wouldn't help them in an emergency, it's just not the same bear your soul friendships that I made at school and still have.

I wonder if some people literally count every person they have some sort of regular contact with a friend 🤔 I might start doing that, I'd sound really popular! (I'm not!)

I have no friends, been the same since I was 18. I did ok at school with a friendship group but no close knit friends, in the 6th form I went out with a few of the boys then I started dating another boy from the group which my so called friends did not like, so the group split and we just did our own thing.
In my mind it was the correct decision and we are still together now, but it did make me reflect on how weak the friendship bonds were.
I am pretty sure I am on the spectrum (one DC is) and I have always found small talk pointless and difficult, I have acquaintances but now following covid not even them.
Every so often I think of joining a group to make friends but then as I haven’t managed this in 30 years I doubt it would be a success.
And to answer the original question yes I lie about having friends in conversations with colleagues and such like.

I have two people I see as part of a 'hobby' maybe 3 times a year and that's it. I think other people such as my colleagues just assume I have friends as they do. A colleague once asked me 'where do you normally go out?' (as in going out to a pub) and was quite surprised when I said I didn't really go 'out' at all. I've had friends in the past but either they have fizzled out or something has gone wrong. I find it stressful knowing what to do in a friendship although I do sometimes wish I had someone to talk to other than my husband/parents/sister.

That's interesting as by those standards I have no friends.

I have a whole range of people I'd describe as friends. They vary greatly, as does my level of communication with them. With some I have a really good laugh, some I have known since the ups and downs of early motherhood and have done a bit of mutual soul baring. We joke about having to stay friends as we know each others deepest secrets. Some, I'm more serious with.
I don't feel emotionally close to the one small female friendship group I have, particularly, but we enjoy a catch up over a meal once in a while, and we are mutually supportive.

I don't feel the lack of a best friend as DH and I are solid and I also have good relationships with my adult children. But I don't expect them to fill all my social needs, or I theirs. I just enjoy the company of some people more than others. Some are perhaps purely friendly acquaintances, but I'd be hard pushed not to describe them as friends.

I've realised that getting to know people as friends takes a long time for me personally. I can't just switch into a friendship spontaneously like a lot of people can. I need to "warm up" and as I have a slightly quirky personality I think people need to get to know me as well. So I've spent a lot of time lonely too OP, I know it's hard.

My suggestions are to find situations where you will be exposed to the same people week in week out; like an evening course, a walking group or something else. Even a pub job a night or two a week. Then friendships can form naturally. Don't push it at the start (I never found that worked for me) - things seem to fizzle out if I initiate a friendship e.g. bumble friends etc - all lasted one coffee then ended which in itself was super disappointing.

Another thing is to try and take joy in the small group you do have (your DH, your family and your one friend you see). Life isn't all about quantity but quality.

And focus on your own interests (could be long countryside walks), hobbies, work to the point where your friendships are less necessary. You'll be inspired by following your own interests which may or may not open up new avenues for sociability but that is a by product and not the aim.

Don't put pressure on yourself and don't worry if you're not one of those multiple friendships people - it's not for everyone :)

I don't hide it, it's not something I'm ashamed of. I have acquaintances, people I see and speak to but wouldn't say they were friends. I'm friendly with people from work but they are colleagues and it's part of my job to get on with them.

I'd say I have maybe 4 people I would call actual friends and that I see at least semi regularly, happily share life events or problems with etc.

But, it's also no secret that my social battery is limited and I don't enjoy being in large groups or having lots of friends. That doesn't suit everyone obviously, but I think if you're honest it makes life easier. For me, it means my friends know if I don't reply to a message or go on a night out it's not personal. For you it could mean someone who has assumed you have lots of friends makes the effort to build a relationship.

Crikey, lots of things people are saying on this thread resonate.

I agree that some people with lots of friends aren't necessarily nice people! I know a couple of people like that. Yet I'm often described as kind and a lovely person. Maybe I'm not edgy enough?!

Lots of us need our own space and couldn't cope with having friends to stay every weekend. I think that would be my worst nightmare actually.

I'm not too well at the moment but hoping to join a couple of hobby groups once I feel a bit better to try and rectify some of this. It would be nice if there was a MN friendless society group nearby too!

I only count someone a friend if I've known them for years, been out on the razz with them, had weekends away etc.

I wonder if some people literally count every person they have some sort of regular contact with a friend 🤔 I might start doing that, I'd sound really popular! I'm not.

I do think you're a bit stringent. As an adult I have plenty of friends I've never been on a weekend away with, and I don't honestly think that says anything about the quality of a friendship (based on some of the people I have been stuck on weekends away with).

If I am regularly and voluntarily spending my free time socialising with someone because we both enjoy it, as far as I'm concerned that is a friend.

Goodness I didn’t expect so many replies on this. I’ll have to read through them all properly but I’ve had a quick glance and it’s quite comforting to know I’m not the only one, sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t have friends.

I saw someone mentioned autism. I don’t have anything like that diagnosed but I do have anxiety (I have treatment for) which can make me quite introverted and awkward which definitely doesn’t help. Self confidence issues -
I genuinely feel like no one would actually be interested in anything I say. Things I need to work on I suppose before I can expect to make friends.

Social media is a big issue. I know full well it’s all just a small screen shot of someone’s life and people only post the good stuff and yet I still I find myself looking at peoples girls nights out and just feeling left behind. I’m not after a raving social life at all just a small group of people I could go for lunch with or share a nice evening with.

Also I think in my OP derogatory probably wasn’t the right word, I suppose it was said in more of a ‘I feel a bit sorry for her because she’s got no friends’ way.

Its interesting someone mentioned a comment about being unsure of someone who doesn’t have friends. I have a family member who actually said something similar, she was having issues with someone and said something along the lines of ‘never trust someone who has no friends’. I think the implication is if you don’t have friends there must be something wrong with you. No wonder we feel the need to hide it!

Yes I do. From work colleagues as I don't have any friends to hide it from! I work in different regional offices so nobody digs too deep if I say ( if asked if I have any weekend plans) oh yes meeting a friend for coffee or going to the movies with a friend.. then leave with a cheery goodbye! Im early 50's and live alone after a messy divorce. Every day is Groundhog Day and I hate it. As far as what do you do about it, I've tried different things but suggestions about forming friendships which sound good on paper are much much harder in practice. I joined a gym ( to get fit as well as make friends.) People tend to walk in, head down, work out, leave. I do the classes but apart from the odd greeting with people I see fairly often.. the how was Christmas/Easter kind of thing.. no friendships have materialised. I just don't get that vibe. People seem to rush around.. they have to get back to make dinner, do x with the kids etc. I did the friendship thing on bumble. It was harder work than the dating side of the site. Got ghosted, people were too busy to meet up or I got tired of always being the one to set things up. I've got on great with work colleagues in the past but no friendships seem to have developed ( not through any lack of effort on my part.) People just seem to have a lot of commitments or are hard to pin down. And of course people seem to already have very well established friendship groups at this age so perhaps don't see the need to make an effort. Or are busy with family whether that's adult kids and grandparent duties or the demands of having elderly parents. I feel like I have loads to offer as a friend but it's just not working out and I'm beginning to resign myself to my life as it is now. Work have asked me to tell them when I want my annual leave but the thought of being home alone for 2 weeks in the summer when I can hear everyone in the neighbourhood having fun with the bbq out fills me with dread. I do go out and about ( for coffee, a glass of wine, food) on my own but mostly I find it a bit depressing when you see everyone around you in their friendship groups. It all sucks really.

Perhaps if people post the county or area they’re in it might be useful ?

@5thHelena

The funny thing is, your colleagues probably think that you have lots of friends. "Ooh, 5thHelena is going out for coffee/the movies with a friend again this weekend. She must have lots of friends......" So what is the actual reality for most people? Maybe everyone is lying to a certain extent? We live in a small cul de sac and there is only really one house that gets a decent number of visitors (friends and family). The rest of us rarely seem to have any visitors. In fact, I have never seen ONE visitor at one house (husband, wife and two sons in their 20s). Not that I'm a curtain twitcher or anything........

Could you join a group? A walking group would be good as it's not always the same people plus it's fairly fluid so if you're struggling to speak to someone you can always drop back and speak to someone else. It's always easy to talk about stuff your passing or the trees/landscape!

People are creatures of habit so if it's a class or workshop, people will always sit in the same seat next to the same person. It's helpful if it's a bit more variable/interactive.

In terms of holidays, you could do a solos holiday or even a working holiday. I had a friend who volunteered to watch/monitor turtles on a beach somewhere. National Trust do working holidays. An old friend met her DH on a NT holiday!

That's completely normal. My only friend is my DH, we were highschool sweethearts. Anyone else I've known are more like acquaintances, like colleagues at work. I was a social outcast at school, so anyone that befriended me or was befriended by me eventually moved on. I did try to reach out to some in my 20s, one even asked me out! He was so sweet about it but he was with someone at the time (yikes) and I was engaged so had to politely decline. Not having friends isn't necessarily a bad thing, if anything it means no chance of anyone suddenly turning against you. A small, tight-knit circle of friends is fine, though having one friend or none at all is also fine.

I always find it odd why people have to have friends with them. Like if you go to something with your kids they have to go with a friend and kids, I am quite happy just taking my kids with or without my partner. Or if they go for a meal or something with partner and friends, never just them and partner. It's like they have to have extra people with them.

I do agree that sometimes people aren’t even nice people but have loads of friends, that’s like my sister she isn’t a nice person at all, she constantly falls out with her friends though but she makes friends wherever she goes because she’s loud confident and outgoing , people are drawn to her yet she isn’t a nice person and like I said often falls out with these people but she makes new friends very easily so there’s always a replacement

I have one friend, plus DH. I'm a SAHM so no work mates or anything. There's a couple of mums I chat to at the school gates or swimming but I'm not sure I'd really count them as friends, although I do like them very much and would help them out if they needed it. I used to have lots of online friends, made through various interests, several of whom I've met in person, but most of those have drifted away (or I have).

It doesn't really bother me. I was a loner at primary school, made friends st secondary, had a huge group at sixth form, and then back to being a loner at university. I get exhausted with too much social interaction so I'm fairly comfortable where I am, but sometimes I do get a bit lonely. Not sure whether I'd hide it or not, really. Probably not.

I have a theory about this. Those mums at school who always had to move as a tribe, always BBQing at each others' houses all weekend and holidaying together - many of them are now divorced. It made me wonder if they didn't really get on with their partners and needed to dilute weekends and holidays by having other people around so they wouldn't row, or so they'd have someone to chat to. DH and I get on so well I rarely notice that I spend all weekend with just him. Only when he's hooked on sport and then I think, I need people to hang out with.

I think the same. I have noticed that these super sociable people often end up divorced.

Yeah me too. I remember my 21st birthday my boyfriend was away in the army and I got all ready to ‘go out with friends’ but I didn’t have any friends to go out with or any desire to go out really but I felt the need to lie because I was so embarrassed. Now I’m married to someone who knows me well 😂 and just happy in my little bubble.

This is me. I don't have a 'significant other', am not 'close' to my siblings ..no dramas, just have never had that chatty kind of relationship with each other, sadly. Used to have a friend who was a work colleague but he has moved on as they tend to do, doing what I do and now have one friend who is a mum to one of my dc friends and she has so many friends, that I'm not that significant and we mainly see each other when dc are around each other. This is not the life I want, but it is the life I have.

@PineMartenPeanutbutter only problem with being like that is when your divorce comes out of the blue and then you have no-one (speaks from experience)

Agree. My Nan (mum type figure to me) always told me to keep my girlfriends because you can’t rely on a man 100%.
I don’t judge friendless people but I find it a bit sad they feel the need to dismiss sociable people as either drama llamas or people who will inevitably end up divorced