Those with no friends - do you hide it?

[LottieTx]

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

@Organictangerine I find the whole ‘I hate people, I don’t need friends, friends equal drama’ to be a bit of a defensive front a lot of the time.

wow just wow!!! A perfect example of how to accuse someone of saying something they didn’t!!! 10/10

The kind of codependent relationship where the dh is your 'best friend' and you don't need anyone else isn't healthy. I don't think it's an 'only on mumsnet' thing, no one should be completely reliant on one other person.

To an extent this is true, but you don't need a group of besties to be happy. Coworkers, acquaintances and distant friends, and of course family members are sufficient. Social interaction is crucial, but you can satisfy it in different ways. For example if you're part of a group you see every week and chat there, even if you do t see them outside.

Genuine question....It seems the vast majority of posters here who say they find starting or maintaining friendships difficult, have husbands / partners. How did you meet your other halves? Did you find it difficult to get close to them?

I'm just interested because I am not a "my husband is my best friend & all I need" person but I am also not a "off to Ibiza with the girls" person either. I think I am just equally intruiged by both ends of the spectrum.

I met mine through his work colleague. I had recently moved back to the country after my 3yo DD died and I broke up with her father (he had nothing to do with her death but I fell apart and couldn't cope with our life without her). The colleague I met because he was advertising a room for rent. Although I found somewhere else, he invited me out with his friends and continued to invite me out. At the time it was just what I needed. After 'meeting and settling down with DH I didn't need the distraction any more so that social life faded away.

I don't have any close friends.

I have a wonderful DH, 3 dc, and I have 2 sisters - we're not particularly close but we go for the occasional meal out, chat on the phone every so often etc.

However I'm not particularly introverted, I get on well with people and I socialise often enough in groups. So I go on regular enough work nights out or meals, I've been invited to a big group hen (girls from work), I've met up with the mums from school for a meal, I have a hobby one night a week where I chat to the same people. I think I'm fairly inoffensive and personable lol.

However none of these people would I invite to my house for a cuppa or meet up with solely - it's never that level of relationship/friendship iyswim. Always a group social I'm invited to. I don't have a regular group of friends, just a revolving group of frequently changing social acquaintances.

I'm not sure why, it's just how I'm built I suppose.

Yes I hide it. I don’t have a single friend and I do feel embarrassed about it because of course it’s a failing on my part not to be liked.

Do others just find it so strange to even think of a life with friends? I would love it but just the thought of having people in my life that aren’t my husband and parents is absolutely mind boggling to me.

When I needed my sons passport signed last year it really made me realise that I have no one - I ended up asking someone I’d been on a few dates with years ago and kept vague Facebook contact with and I could tell he must have been thinking ‘why am I the only person you could ask?’

No, I don’t hide it as I don’t care what people think. I could never hold a relationship either. I know it’s me that’s the problem,

I agree with the view that you can have plenty of social interaction without having loads of close friends. All of my close friends live a long distance away and those relationships have faded over time. However, I get on well with others at work, with mums from school and at hobbies... The level of social interaction I have from these 'organised' friendships is plenty for me. I don't need someone to pour my heart out to at 3am.

I've never really hidden the lack of friends, even at uni , yes I kept mostly to myself, but still had some people to chat too, now my friendship circle has improved a bit, not that I would truly trust anyone, as mumsnet shows, only person you can truly trust, is yourself, that aside I have two main close friends, and some semi close friends.

I really do not think having friends is a good marker of whether you are a decent person or not. I have known many an unpleasant person who had friends. I used to live next door to law breaking antisocial neighbours who had lots of friends.
I would say to anyone on here don't be ashamed of it. Not everyone finds making friends and connections easy, for a multitude of reasons. Some people have sociable parents or big families and have had more 'training' in socialising and more opportunities.
I really hate it when I hear jokey comments ( usually on TV) made as 'comedy' saying a person has no friends, it is cruel.
I think it's more important to be pleasant to all those around us rather than cultivate friends as some people are good to their friends and don't really care about others.

I think it’s the idea that if someone has no friends, the assumption is that they aren’t likeable. Not necessarily true, but that’s what lies behind it.

I did have a friend who could ring at 3am with a crisis. We were university friends and very close whilst I was single. But she went thru a lot of problems at work, turned to alcohol and started ringing in the early hours in a complete state. Every night. I tried to help, she lived at a distance so there was a limit to what I could do. But it ended as I couldn't provide what she wanted. We did try and make up one time but it started going the same way.

So, I don't have a 'best' friend any more. I've developed some close friendships but relocating for work means these aren't people I see at all often. I have no desire to be out every weekend or away every weekend - I'd be exhausted!

I had a lot of friends, sadly three have died over the last 5 years, all aged between 41 and 54. We all scattered across the globe for our careers plus some of these women went to live overseas.

Myself and the girls I went to school with have all had quite exciting lives, all very career driven but the cost is relocating and sometimes multiple times and having to start all over again. I have had two major relocations for work, DH has had 3.

I always think the quote in the the film stand by me resonates it’s something like the friends you make when your 12. I had known the friend who died last year since I was 9. I was more upset when she died than I was about my own Mother dying because of our shared history. We grew up together, we used to make up stories, we matured, we laughed about our first kiss and our hopes and dreams. We shared childhood innocence and the world was so full of wonder and opportunity then.

Really nicely put.

I grew up in a very quiet house. No one ever really visited. My Dad was introverted and didn't have any friends of his own. My Mum had some friends but always had anxiety and was a bit socially awkward. My brother was a bit older than me and was always off out with his friends who never came to our house. I'm also introverted. It wasn't the best training ground for cultivating friendships and learning social behaviour. I think this was part of my problem.

I would never admit that I don't have many friends because I've realised that people do judge. It's probably the overwhelming thing I've learnt from MN.

I tend to hide the fact that I don't have friends. I deal with it by going for coffee on my own, going to the cinema or the theatre on my own or going shopping and to yoga class on my own. I am not most peoples cup of tea.

I've got a handful of friends.
I think only one friend would actually reach out to me and contact me if I didn't contact them.
The rest would completely drift away I think.
On top of that I'm single and no children and no family really either (both parents are dead) and no extended family.

You wouldn't have a clue that I feel so alone, on the surface I have everything going for me, and I'm chatty and happy in a group/at work etc.
But somehow I just don't seem to be able to make that deeper connection with people.
I'm really sad about it, especially as the older I get everyone is so involved their families lives and their futures.

I literally feel I have no future at all.

But again weirdly I have a very happy nice life, but only if I don't stop and remember how alone I am and how I do everything (apart from work) alone.

I’ve always known lots of people but never really had friends. I find friendships with women hard work so tend to steer towards men…I can sit in a pub with 20 men and chat and laugh all night but put me with 20 women and I wouldn’t know what to talk about and I’d feel uneasy and self conscious. I dread it when some of guys say to me “have you got any single mates?” because I literally have none…single or married. So I just say “Nar, none that you’d be interested in”

I get the thing about getting on better with men. I get on better with men too I think. Not the same potential for bitchiness and betrayal somehow.

I think a picnic on my own on a gorgeous day in pleasant surroundings sounds like heaven. Nobody to steal my Doritos (apart from the local wildlife 😂).

I'm exactly the same. I know for a fact my work colleagues think I'm cheery, friendly, capable, good fun. But I'm also on my own drinking coffee at the weekend. Or having a sandwich or a glass of wine. I also feel like I have no future. I can't think too far ahead as I dread to think where my mind would take me so I just focus on today and possibly tomorrow. On the whole life seems completely and utterly pointless.

One of the problems I found after one relocation when I was single was that it costs money to make friends - joining something (class, gym, group) invariably has a cost, inviting someone for a coffee has a cost. I was on a v limited budget then (about £5 a week for 'socialising'!) which meant I'd have struggled to even buy someone a coffee!
It's ok if the class, group or whatever is something you really want to do and would enjoy regardless but if it isn't then that's difficult.

It's also why I stuck with going to local toddler groups at about £2 per week rather than trying to make mum friends online then arranging meet ups. Low cost way of meeting a range of people to see if you get on (whilst also providing entertainment for your child) vs spending a lot more money in a cafe with someone I more than likely wouldn't hit it off with.

Blood is thicker than water, and IMV having lots of friends is highly overrated!

Friends will always put family first and rightly so. Therefore friendship can be fickle and tricky sometimes. Lives go off in different directions and the connection is lost.

I don't socialise much because of illness, so between that and Covid things got really isolated for me, but I am not a bit bothered. Phone conversations with people I know are fine to catch up with news, but I have largely forgotten what they said five minutes later!

I meet my family regularly, but not every day or week. They understand my health situation and no explanations are necessary. That's all I need now. Not having friends as such is not an issue for me at all. Friends can often be cruel and bitchy and can let you down or exploit you, if you let them. On the other hand friends can be great, but is it really worth the worry and forcing yourself out to have drinks/coffee/nights out/trips away etc? Someone always ends up the boss and the rest follow.

But lots of things are free. Become a parkrun volunteer - free. Join a running club - free. Volunteer to hear children read at the library - free. Do the election vote counts - paid. Join a church choir, join cinnamon trust and walk a dog, cats protection. This is just stuff I have done there must be loads out there and I have met lovely people at all those things and made some good friends.

@5thHelena
Yes I spend every weekend on my own hidden away at home because I feel so self-conscious going to the shops etc alone because everyone else there is with their family/friends and I feel like I'm a weirdo walking around on my own.

Lockdown was weirdly lovely because I didn't have FOMO (I don't have social media apart from MN).

I just waste so much time and don't achieve my full potential because it's hard to be motivated to improve my career, life, home, fitness etc when there's no-one to share in the achievement.

I never bother to pay into a pension because I'll be on my own in retirement no doubt and my house can be sold to pay for me to go into a care home when I eventually need one.

I have had lovely female friends, but when you don't have a partner (I did but I divorced years ago) and no children it's harder to find things in common and they spend more and more time embroiled in family life (rightly so) everyone I know seems to have parents and children to fill their time with - I have no-one.

I've also got good self-esteem and am not interested in being a prop in another man's life - I'm only interested in a relationship which will be equal and those guys married along time ago and although I've occasionally dated I think it's very unlikely I will ever live with another person ever again.

I thank the gods everyday that I don't have mental or physical health problems because I should be screwed!