Those with no friends - do you hide it?

[LottieTx]

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

@frogleap
Yep. I think I was the complete opposite of the majority of the population during the worst of the pandemic. Everyone stuck at home like me was a comfort in a way. Now everything is returning to normal it's hard again. As I've posted elsewhere it's not like I haven't made the effort. I have. But it really is like banging your head against a brick wall and I'm starting to feel that at least I can't let myself down like people seem to often do so maybe it's better this way. I read, I shop, I mess about in the garden, I go to the gym and I binge watch things on the telly that interest me. Maybe things will get better at some point but for now I'm just trying to get through each day.

Lockdown was weirdly lovely because I didn't have FOMO (I don't have social media apart from MN).

I can relate to this so much. I have some very good friends, but I don't live near most of them any more, and I don't have as many as I think most women do. I've also been let down really badly by some so-called friends in the past. I have social anxiety which really doesn't help. As terrible as lockdown was, I did personally derive a sort of peace from the absence of FOMO and the lack of need to force myself out there, so to speak.

@MissyCooperismyShero but all of those take up time. When you're working full-time and possibly commuting too, then volunteering to do stuff which might or might not help make friends becomes difficult. I have been a volunteer at various things but it's so variable - eg I've been a Guider in several different parts of the country. The first unit I worked with we'd take it in turns to bring milk and the Guiders would have a cup of tea together after the meeting which helped forge friendships. The other units the other Guiders were all v busy and would rush off afterwards to sort their families out. So I'd be volunteering for a couple of evenings a week for virtually no adult social interaction. I gave it up when my commuting got to 3 hours a day. I've also been a member of several churches but there are very few where there is anybody under retirement age who is interested/available for a social life (my current church is an exception and is wonderful!) and I've spent hours of my time volunteering at all sorts of things (washing up, running children's activities, visiting people at old people's home) which are rewarding activities but have done absolutely nothing for helping to make friends.
Joining a craft group has been helpful (I've started two from scratch myself in two different areas!) as it's an activity I enjoy anyway but, again, costs involved although I tried to keep those down by holding it in a bar rather than hiring a hall and has been quite a good way of making friends.

But it is really hard if you're working 8+ hours a day, work doesn't really have a social element, then commuting at least 2 hours a day. My current job I'm mostly WFH but my colleagues live all over the U.K. so not ever going to be friends for socialising with!

I should also say that I am not good at bonding emotionally with other women. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I prefer surface friendships. Maybe one day I will meet someone who is more introverted like myself.

I don’t need to hide it because of never comes up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I mostly just work and look after the kids. Conversations at work about weekends are easy to navigate by saying what I’m doing with the kids. I live somewhere I didn’t grow up and I have no roots or connections here. I don’t particularly like the city or even the region.

It’s not that I am incapable of making friends - I’m sociable and friendly enough. I just don’t have the time of opportunity to cultivate or maintain friendships. I work full time and I have a toddler (and no local childcare). I just don’t have time or energy to be a decent friend so I don’t bother people. I also think I’m a bit annoying (I’m being assessed for ADHD) so I err on the side of caution there. I worry about imposing myself on people, especially when I’ve so little time that I don’t feel I can be a decent friend.

I live apart from my husband (for various reasons that might be summarised as he’s extremely difficult) and I have the toddler every night. H goes out whenever he likes, goes to the gym, pisses off to other cities and abroad to see friends/bands etc. Then whinges that he never has any time or does anything for himself - to me, whose entire life is parenting, work and housework. That attitude/thought process is possibly an indication of why he’s impossible to live with actually.

Yes and I do hide it, although it’s rarely problematic. I really love the wives of my husband’s friends and that’s enough for me - I would never hang out with the girls alone, but I love our group dynamic of husbands and wives together.

I remember thinking “how am I going to gather together a group of girls for a hen do?” - so I just didn’t have one. We then got married in lockdown with no guests - which was ideal because I had no one to invite anyway! Another bullet dodged! In fact, before lockdown, I remember clutching at straws messaging and seeing girls I just didn’t like, just so I would have people to invite to the wedding. How silly of me! I have a fabulous life, with enough sociability for me, and no drama.

Being friend-free is portrayed as sad and lonely. It’s not normalised - but this thread proves otherwise. Not every woman wants 10 adult bridesmaids, hen do, baby shower etc I think many people are a lot more private than that

I’m definitely more private than that.

i didn’t have a hen do (nor did I want one). Tbh, I could at the relevant time have pulled together a small collection of women to have a meal out with. Mostly a couple of (now ex) colleagues and some of DS2’s friends mums. It wouldn’t have been wild though. And a hen weekend is not my idea of fun.

I did manage to pull together people to fill half the day invitations for a wedding (inviting whole families means you need fewer people 🤣). There was capacity for the same number again for an evening reception but I struggled to think of anyone.

Then lockdown… so it was a no guests affair anyway.

Post-lockdown with a toddler to look after myself FT, a job where my colleagues are in other cities, a difficult husband, DS2 is older, has changed school and has different friends… I could probably organise a weekday coffee with an ex-colleague (but she would be busy with her family at a weekend). That’s it.

It’s not sad though. I am quite private. I can be chatty and sociable but it’s mostly superficial. I don’t really want to share things with other people for various reasons.

I’m busy too. There’s no void I need to fill. I’m either working, with the kids or happy with my own company.

I had loads of friends in primary school but during senior school, I found the whole drink and drugs and Magaluf scene to be really intimidating and disgusting. I was not interested in smoking, or going clubbing etc. It wasn’t that they grew up faster than me - I never have been interested in those types of things, and that’s made it difficult to socialise with those types. The girls at school would come back with stories about how one was sick on another ones head, one shagged a stranger, one got arrested, one had an abortion etc etc. To me, it was completely unacceptable, and I was shocked and revolted by it all. They’ve all remained friends in the same town, but I’ve moved away from that hometown and have different types of relationships now. I remember having absolutely no friends at the end of my last year of school and trying to keep busy at break time pretending I’d been given a job to do by a teacher, so no one noticed. It was either hang out with that main group, or hang out with other people I had absolutely nothing in common with (the god squad or the anime crew). Very slim pickings - so I was better off alone. I got on fine with everyone, and was never bullied, but I kept a low profile and was not interested in actual friendship with any of them.

I do feel there is a certain element of luck to this, I simply haven’t met anyone I want to be ‘girlfriends’ with. I wish I could have told my younger self that it’s completely normal, as I was very conscious of being a ‘loner’. But the best was yet to come: I love my mixed group of husbands and wives and our dinner parties, BBQs, kids, walks, roasts, camping holidays and food festivals - it’s wholesome and so much more me! I know I’m a bore but I’m just not into the ‘boozy girl group’ thing.

Also, I think people judge and assume that if you ‘look’ a certain way, you must be of the ‘hen do in Marbella’ and ‘over the top gender reveal party’ type. I look very much like a girly girl, but I really am not!

I have no friends and am single . I would try and hide it as I do find it embarrassing. But then I’m never around anyone I need to hide it from ! I’m abit worried that if I ever met a man he would wonder why I have no friends though . I just have my kids and my mum. That’s it .

I don’t have the time or energy to cultivate friendships. I work full time and have a sporty DS and DP who works long shifts.
DS is too young to be left home alone and due to DP’s ever changing shifts I can’t commit to anything with set schedule, like walking groups. 3 evenings a week and either Saturday or Sunday are taken up by DS’s sports.
I have a couple of close friends who live similarly hectic lifestyles and we make an effort to get together every couple of months but anything else is just not workable. I’ve never had a large group of friends, I find it exhausting tbh.
I don’t really hide it, I’ve made peace with the fact that until DS is more independent, we need to work round him.

I have one friend from uni who I speak to regularly but hardly see due to distance. I don't really speak to anyone about from my DH and no kids due to Fertility issues.

It can be lonely not having someone to go out with for a coffee. I do get anxiety when doing new things 🙁

I have one real friend, and my sister who I am close to.
I have been single for 4 years and my children are now early teens. I'm worried about dating, and about what to say when they ask if they can meet friends.

You're judging someone for daring to have sex and then -shock horror- getting an abortion? You are not a good person.

You’re being unreasonable.Ghe point the poster was making is that she felt uncomfortable around some of her school mates because of the lifestyle some of them had. I’m sure we can all relate. I knew girls who got pregnant, had abortions, drank too much, ended up in dangerous situations. There is nothing wrong with being different . My niece has never fitted in at school. She doesn’t drink and has never had a boyfriend. She doesn’t like parties . She’s like an adult as a teenager. Her interests are in her hobbies and she has always struggled to make friends. She’s a lovely person though, just different to her peers.

This is a really interesting thread and makes me feel so much better. I genuinely worried when I got married because I realised that I wouldn’t have any ‘friends’ at my wedding. I always fitted into boyfriend’s lives and made friends with their friends. I certainly wouldn’t have had bridesmaids or a maid of honour. I moved through life making friends with those around me but when we moved on it never lasted. I’m 39 now and for the first time in my life have actual friends. Not just surface friends. I think it came down to not trying to constantly be the person they wanted to be (I was a massive try hard and people pleaser) and say ‘this is me, I hope that’s enough’. The ones that have stayed, just two, but that’s enough, have my back. For the first time I understand what it’s truly like to have real friends. It’s never too late and sometimes it’s just luck that we meet with someone we connect with. It’s also ok to not need people, I’m ok on my own. My son is autistic and has never had friends and I worried about it all the time until someone told me, he doesn’t want friends, you want him to have friends. It’s your issue not his.

Mn is disproportionately peopled by posters who are socially awkward, misanthropic, very timid or socially anxious, extremely set in their ways, home birds, etc etc — it’s probably obvious that an anonymous forum offers such people a form of social interaction they can tolerate. But I don’t think it’s generally somewhere to get balanced views on friendships, or on people who have sustaining, generally unproblematic friendships they value. I don’t often recognise the dramas of exclusion and jealousy people describe as ‘friendships’ on here. My friends enhance my life. I’m a sociable introvert — I need a lot of time to myself, but my friends are hugely valuable to me.

OP, I think people can be unlucky in their environment, or have absorbed unhelpful scripts from their parents about friendships (I certainly did), or have been bullied to an extent they never recovered from, or a number of other factors that mean they are friendless. If I’d stayed in the environment I grew up in, I’d never have had friends — I was an outlier at a rough school, and my parents are both timid, socially-isolated, friendless people who never modelled friendships. I made my first real friends at university, and have moved around a lot internationally and always made and kept friends since. Apart from a period living in a village in the Midlands where I just didn’t gel at all with anyone, which was miserable, but was just a mismatch between person and environment. No one’s fault. But if that was the only place I’d ever lived, I’d have been without friends.

I always think everyone assumes everyone else has a big circle of friends and it's just not true .
A lot of people will dread being asked what they did at the weekend because they haven't spoken to a soul since leaving work Friday .

There was a news story once on TV, pre internet, about the birthday of a well known ( not reformed) criminal, looked like he was having the best time with a big bunch of buddies wishing him well. Presumably they wanted to gang around with him for a taste of the good life. My point being, having lots of friends does not necessarily mean you are a lovely person and having few or no friends does not necessarily mean you are unpleasant either. But people hide it because this is the assumption.

I haven't really got anyone to hide it from.

But not having any friends is HARD, especially at this time of year when there are so many parties etc. It would be lovely to have some friends to go out for drinks and dinner with

No there's nothing wrong with being different and there's nothing wrong with going to parties and having sex. The previous poster i quoted seems to think she's better than her peers somehow (and you seem to.think the same about your neice) which maybe why she has no friends. Being quiet and having hobbies doesn't automatically make someone a good person.

I do have close friends but far less than I used to. One of them took her own life at 33 (very close friend) and I’d known her since I was 24 and she was 23. That same year one of my best friends since I was 5 ended our friendship because she accused me and our other best friend of something quite serious (impersonating her, benefit fraud) and I told our mutual best friend who’d not long had her first baby. I think our friendship was dead in the water though and she was jealous of me being childless and leading a “single life” (I had boyfriends and having a fairly good job. All things she didn’t have.

I did make friends in my mid 30s through a friendship group and also reconnected with a childhood friend who moved back to London from outside London and we became best friends. Also reconnected with a school friend from my senior school years too and then realised she was actually quite selfish and self absorbed.

The friend who’d had a baby (see above) we fell out in our early to mid 40s, there was a huge argument at a party she held with loads of drama but she was also going though her own issues with depression, medication, bereavement of her mum.

I’ve basically stuck to the two close friends I know now, another one who I see occasionally (she has children and a DH) and the odd person I knew from eg senior school and someone I used to work with who I see once a year maybe.

So though I do have friends I don’t see people a lot at all. It’s quite strange when I see one friend refer to her old friend who lives abroad as “the old wifey” and another new friend as “the new wifey” and I just don’t have that anymore or if I do, I try to keep it controlled/arms length.

My friend in the first paragraph, did get in touch with me and we texted for a while, her DM died about a year ago, I sent a card, donation to charity and something thoughtful for her. But then I realised, after all these years she hasn’t apologised to me, or even tried to and I don’t see the point in staying in touch. Her ex boyfriend from years ago who was my brother’s best friend in their teens died this year and both me and DB didn’t go to the funeral for various reasons but one being I just didn’t want to see her there.

I totally get those who say they have no friends for whatever reason, it’s hard. I used to work with a woman who was NC with her family and had no friends after her best friend had an affair with her DH (they divorced). She was friendly with people at work but had no other friends, this was told to us quite openly at work. She did when she retired, stayed friends and meets up with an ex colleague once or twice a year as a friend but I think it took a lot for her to do that. Patterns re friendship can be hard to break especially if you’ve been betrayed, treated unkindly and don’t trust people.

I did this over lockdown with a few people and whilst I’m not in contact with them now, one woman moved a long way away too, it was actually quite good to meet people, exchange life stories and get out.

I also echo what others say about taking an interest in others. I got to know a colleague in my last job and one day “let’s do lunch” which we did a few times and now planning on meeting for drinks (both left the company!), you have to make the first move sometimes even though someone might say no. A lot of the time others are flattered if you take an interest in them.

Growing up and into my teenage years I always had friends. However due to a disability I acquired when I was only 20, I ended up pretty isolated. I also lost 2 best friends in the past few years both in their 30's-one died of an eating disorder and the other died by suicide. Any friends I have now are long distance and I tend to put in most of the work to stay in touch. I feel a sense of shame at not having many friends and would never share it in real life, even though I know it is nothing to be ashamed of but I just think it means there is something wrong with me

I know this is an old thread, but I found it so helpful. I have 1 friend and lots of acquaintances. It's very reassuring to read this thread as it's clearly not that unusual. For me it's a combination of things, I have some level of social anxiety which I suspect can make me come across as awkward. I notice the most popular people have a knack for making people feel at ease.

I went to lots of schools due to family stuff. Some I Ieft suddenly without warning as we had to move at short notice . I think this somehow taught me not to make deep friendships. I would leave a job or a hobby and that would be it. I'd just walk away from the friends. I didn't know you stayed in touch with people until I met DH. He's had the same group of friends for 30 years. I just sort of tag along like a spare part.

I am also introverted. I like seeing people, but I have to force myself and have time out afterwards. I don't really like entertaining as I find it very stressful. I also hate imposing on people. I could not imagine staying at someone's house , it's just so awkward.

I struggle with groups and always have. I think thats a key factor in whether you have lots of friends. DH is good in groups. I find there is always politics going on .I don't like bitching and trouble so tend to step away once that starts. Although now I'm older, I enjoy the lack of intensity in DHs group of friends and like groups more.

I'm 50 soon and doubt I will have anyone to invite to a party. I struggled to round people up for my hen do. I do feel embarrassed about it and wish it were different , but I acknowledge I am the cause of course .

There's a cafe near me which is always full of groups of women talking and laughing. I often feel a bit sad when I see it as I walk past it everyday. I know that sounds ridiculous.

I also think there's something up with my judgement of people. DH always says this as he will meet someone and know if they are ok. I'm always blind to it until something goes wrong. I don't know if I'm missing cues or just desperate to ignore the crap.
Imet a friend a few years ago, thought she was great. DH and I would go out with her and her DH. I sometimes went out with just her. I really thought she was a friend. Then I noticed it was always me initiating contact , so I left it for a bit. Nothing from her at all. I still see her, but it's only every few months if I ask if she wants to meet. She always turns up , but never asks me. It's always a day time coffee, when I know she goes out quite a bit in the evening with other friends. Her DH has no contact at all with us unless we see him in town. It's really obvious that I am in no way a priority for her, and it had been me doing all the running. Even my DH is upset about it as he thought the 4 of us were friends. In hindsight , the signs were there. Lots of them taking advantage with favours , always us asking if they want to meet. They always came along, but there was something about it which didn't quite click. When we met we all had primary school children ( all yr 11 now) and I think they just used us for childcare.
I don't find this type of experience usual . Bit I've lifted my standards, so wouldn't let it happen again .

Yep. I was talking to my husband about my 40th in a few years and defo can't have a party as no one to ask!