Those with no friends - do you hide it?

[LottieTx]

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

@YellowDahlia

Where do you live 😉ha?! Yes, it's weird isn't it. You think you were built for a pandemic and then suddenly you realise the impact and it all catches up with you at once. I'm also hoping to move towards some office based working. Even just coincidental human interaction is good for people I think.

I didn't really have any friends in my 20s and definitely felt ashamed, like it was a reflection on me. But in reality it's just hard to make friends as an adult.

I actually retrained in my 30s and found myself meeting a lot of new people, some of whom became friends. I think doing something new gave me a massive confidence boost and actually helped me put energy into existing friendships that I'd maybe written off.

personall I'd rather have 1 or 2 great friends than loads of superficial relationships.

@Notthatbusy I'm quite similar to you. Apart from the group that I've been drawn into, all my friendships are one on one.
After being social, I definitely need time to recharge.
But much as I'm happy with my own company, I've discovered that my mental health also suffers if I go a couple of days without seeing anyone.

@LottieTx
I'm sorry, I never meant to make you feel bad, just saying how it is for me. My friends mean so much to me, they've been by my side for decades and me them. Through divorce, bereavement, cancer etc.
o don't think I would have got through it all without them

the relative was rude. But rather than suggesting OP question the relative directly you suggested making a snide remark about people with friends in general which was equally unkind.

of course forums are human interaction!!!! You come on here to talk to people, that’s literally the objective. So you are choosing human interaction. Otherwise why not read a book?

I was similar to you, friends were my family

mostly they drifted off for lockdown and other reasons, some of which are certainly my fault.

i have to be quite careful at the mo as I'm a bit desperate for friends.

@EmmaH2022
I'm sorry that's happened to you. Can you not reach out to them? Hope you can re connect with your friends

yellowdahlia this is how I feel.

I had some friendships bit since the pandemic no-one wants to meet up. I think they managed without me 🥺

I am an only child so not siblings

DH has no friends either

I have spent so much time focusing on my family my friendships have withered (and died)

I have and they don't want to and some had a great time in lockdown, which makes them less inclined to take up their old life.

Apologies about typos

I haven't really got any friends - I see a mate I used to work with, we meet up when she's free - she still works and I don't. I see her perhaps once every 3 or 4 weeks, but it feels as though I'm the last resort when she's got nothing better to do. I go swimming twice a week and give a lift to a woman on the next street. She's chatty and friendly but very outgoing and knows hundreds of people, is always out somewhere.

Like you, OP, I haven't got any hobbies, and I think that's probably the problem. I need to find some groups to join, where I can do something (art/pottery/photography?) but I lack confidence and think I'm boring. I'm a good, kind, generous person, with a good sense of humour. Over the past year, I seem to have become a shell of my former self. I'm in my early 60s and should be different to this.

I know, I appreciate your post was well intentioned hence the apologies for me being bitter in my response. It’s great that you’ve had friends to support you and it’s something I would love to have in my life.
My family is great and my DH is great but there’s something about having someone outside of the family to go for a cocktail with or to a show with, someone to moan about my family and DH too! 😁

No well not really I’m very picky now so very limited as friends have taken and forgotten, so I don’t think of them as friends I really close by in my life.
yes I do.
no idea now, but from past experience it can be very harder work and so you have to ask I’d it’s worth it, especially after reading some peoples experiences.

oh dear lots of typos I’ve got a fingers in splints so not typing very well

@Organictangerine no, I did not. Please re read what I actually wrote, rather than what you think I wrote. Also a discussion forum does not equate to friendship. Nor does friendship (what this discussion is about) equate with social interaction.
Just because someone social interacts via the internet or in reality with another human, does not automatically equate to friendship - and he whole point of this discussion. Example : A person interacts with another human when thanking them for waiting as they cross the road - it doesn’t mean they are a friend.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2

You are right. I find it so nasty that people insult people with few friends, adults acting like bullies. Plus how is anyone supposed to make friends if everyone blacklists them? I'm a perfectly nice and well liked person but I have no close friends

A forum like this is social interaction. You don’t choose to encounter people crossing the road, you choose to come on here and write to people and have them write back. Of course it isn’t friendship: but they’re both rooted in a need for social interaction.

I find the whole ‘I hate people, I don’t need friends, friends equal drama’ to be a bit of a defensive front a lot of the time.

My family is great and my DH is great but there’s something about having someone outside of the family to go for a cocktail with or to a show with, someone to moan about my family and DH too! 😁

Exactly this @LottieTx ! All very well if your DH is your 'best friend' or whatever, but what if you really just need to have a rant about how much of an arse he's being atm?! I do think a marriage/partnership is healthier if you have friends to share your lives with too. My DH doesn't have close friends he sees regularly either - it probably bothers him too, more than he'd admit.

All very well if your DH is your 'best friend' or whatever, but what if you really just need to have a rant about how much of an arse he's being atm?!

mumsnet lol

I think really close friends are mainly made at school/university. There’s something about friendships which start when you’re immature and not overthinking this stuff, which grow over time and see you through your most pivotal moments. I find after 25 ish it’s quite hard to really get to know somebody without that shared history. My best friends have pretty much been the same since I was 11 or 12

I'm the same OP, I have one good friend but she lives away so we message but don't see each other as often as I would like. I do have another friend I met through work years ago. I've been trying to make some mum friends recently but it's really hard to meet people. I would love to have more close friends.

Sometimes I think it's because of what different peoples expectations of friendship are. What I mean by that is how much of themselves they want to share, do you know what I'm trying to say? Like, the kind of friends I want are the ride or die sort but a lot of people just want "surface" friends, you go for a coffee but you'd never confide in them about something important. Also it's finding the time and the energy between your partner and family and work and looking after the house. Come to think of it the expectations we place on ourselves is just a lot.

I get lonely too. It's a shame because I'm actually a good person but I have this horrible thought stuck in my head that everyone dislikes me. I think it might just be some kind of anxiety.

The kind of codependent relationship where the dh is your 'best friend' and you don't need anyone else isn't healthy. I don't think it's an 'only on mumsnet' thing, no one should be completely reliant on one other person.

I agree I was just making a joke about the number of husband rants on Mn

I don’t have any real friends. There’s a couple of neighbours I’ll go for a walk or a drink with occasionally but that was more during lockdown when their real friends weren’t around! As soon as things opened up a bit I didn’t see them for dust.

I have a couple of old school friends I keep in touch with via Facebook and we’ve met up a handful of times in our adult lives.

Plus a couple of people I met when my DCs were little who I may see once a year for a coffee.

My DP was my best friend for 9 years and since we split up last year I’ve realised how small my world is. Just me and my DC most of the time. New job so not really friends with anyone there yet, and don’t have the energy for hobbies - I used to just chill with DP and watch TV after work. Now I do that on my own. It’s a bit crap tbh but the idea of dating is grim at the moment and I know I should be going out and making new friends but I just can’t be arsed.

I don't have close friends that I meet up with regularly apart from workmates I have lunch with when I'm at work. School friends are in a different country, university friends are hundreds of miles away (although we did see some last year and it was lovely). Family are spread around the country and time off is spent seeing them but even they don't know all the ins and outs of my life. Mum friends I don't meet up with so much now the DC are older and the pandemic has sadly disrupted those friendships but when I see them it's lovely.

I do have friends and I know people like me but I don't have those kind of intense friendships when you are intimately in each others lives like you see in dramas. I'm not convinced those really exist, at least not in middle age, I don't know anyone of my age who hangs out all the time with one set of friends, it's more like we all have lots of more or less intersecting groups of friends/acquaintances that you see on an irregular basis. Life is busy with children and work, there will be more time for friendships again later when I have fewer responsibilities again.