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Original poster

Those with no friends - do you hide it?

202 replies

LottieTx · 05/05/2022 13:27

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

OP posts:
Itshothothot · 05/05/2022 13:31

I don’t have any friends and yes I suppose I do hide it.

if someone says to me “it’s great when you get together with your mates etc”

I just agree with them. I don’t say that I don’t have any friends.

I suppose it is abit embarrassing that I don’t have any friends.

SuffolkBargeWoman · 05/05/2022 13:31

I think I probably do hide it in that I never tell anyone and everyone assumes that because I do lots of activities and a big voluntary role that I must have made lots of friends, and I never correct them.
In my case an abusive childhood, children with some health needs and a husband with a series of obsessive and all consuming interests mean that I've never been able to make or maintain friendships.
I'd love to know how you do it in your fifties!

WomanAnon · 05/05/2022 13:34

I haven't really got any proper ones bar one. Circumstantial mainly but I do joke that I'd be pushed to cobble together anyone to come to my funeral! I just don't really talk about it but feel a bit sad, I've got a lovely DH but don't massively feel like I matter to anyone else.

Buzzer3555 · 05/05/2022 13:39

I don't have a network of friends, just one. I don't try to hide it as its not important to me. I get what you mean though as others set great store in having an active social life

MakingNBaking · 05/05/2022 13:44

I think people at work and at my exercise class would be extremely surprised to learn that aside from talking to them about inane 'what's on telly' and 'what the dog did' conversations, I don't have any social interaction at all aside from dh and the (adult) dc and my two siblings (who drive me bunkers anyway).
I haven't been out for coffee, or a browse round the shops, or to the pictures for years with a mate or two.
Most of the time I don't miss it, I think I have always felt a bit spare wheel/round peg whatever plus I quite like the dog and the telly and my garden and my Kindle and Mumsnet.
I don't feel that I'm 'acting' at work though they would see me as lively, friendly, empathetic, jolly. I'm like that at home too, just with very few people.

NeedMyRootsDone87 · 05/05/2022 13:45

I'm the same at 35. I used to have a few close friends but one by one we've drifted apart. Partly my fault as I have PTSD and sometimes, not often though, I get in a low way and isolate from anyone but my partner until I ride it out. Those friends were aware and knew what it meant when I went quiet but I suppose I didn't really reach out after a while and neither did they. I keep it quiet too. I don't think it's a bad thing but I also feel the loneliness sometimes. In a small town, it's hard to keep up with people who just bad mouth other people and have idle gossip, I'm just not interested in that. But I'd like to find someone normal to go for a walk with, or just to go for a coffee etc, just for an hour or so, every now and again. I had a friend who wanted to spend the whole day together when it was only meant to be a coffee at mine in the morning which was too overbearing, she had so much self caused drama that followed her, it was mentally exhausting. Maybe I'm asking too much 😅

Dundonian · 05/05/2022 14:11

I'm in my 50s and have no friends; just a couple of women I used to be close to but haven't seen in years since I moved. I certainly have absolutely no-one here.

I don't think I'm high maintenance; I'd just like to be able to go to a pub for a couple of glasses of wine and a catch up every few weeks. I'm disabled, with mobility issues, so that rules big days out etc.

I have a fantastic husband but I do miss female company sometimes. I definitely hide it as I feel a bit of a freak at times for having no friends. Daft, I know, but I can't help feeling I'm missing out and I'm not 'normal.'

WombatNo12 · 05/05/2022 14:13

Amongst friends here, ironically!

Thecomfortador · 05/05/2022 14:31

I don't have any friends, bar one old class mate who got in touch a few years ago out of the blue and we meet up together with our kids occasionally. Not sure we'd have a huge amount in common without the DC and a few years of schooling.

I've thought about it a lot, but have concluded that I'm a bit of a loner who finds social interaction tiring and stressful and that's how I'm meant to be.

I don't hide it particularly, but even my fil has observed and commented on it (he does say stuff that no-one else will, not that that's always a good thing). Neither do I go about in real life bragging about it or discussing it with anyone.

Fleahag · 05/05/2022 14:34

I think the person saying that thing to you sees you as a friend, are you sure it was derogatory or could it have been put of concern in the hope that telling you, you'd make more effort with that person?

milkysmum · 05/05/2022 14:36

Yes I think I do hide it, and I think as others have said most people would be surprised. I work full time and I imagine people would describe me a nice, friendly, chatty etc.. I go to the gym a few times a week, chat to people in the classes that I go to regularly.
I have two DC and am divorced so don't even have a partner at home to chat to at night. I didn't used to feel lonely but recently I think about it quite a lot.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 05/05/2022 14:43

I didn't have friends in my 20s (I do now) and yes, I used to hide it. If DH was out, a workmate used to say 'ooh lovely, so are you getting the girls round?' and I used to think "what girls"! Now that I have friends, I hide a little bit that I didn't used to. I reveal to papple that I was pretty lonely living in a large city, bit don't spell out 'I DIDNT MAKE ANY FRIENDS IN 15 YEARS'. Just the other day, a new friend said 'we all need those old friends who we've been through thick and thin with and you could call at 3am' and I just kept quiet. It's sad that it can be something to feel embarrassed about, but there we go.

Cinemaqueen · 05/05/2022 14:49

Yes I probably do hide it.

I don't have any friends. I have a dh, a sister and my mum. I have a nice enough group of work colleagues that I chat to, a small handful of old work colleagues that I occasionally keep in touch with but that's it. I'm unsure why I don't have any friends because I'm nice to everyone, I think I'm just weird and awkward.

I've got no one that I could go for a coffee with let alone on a night out.

I'm so busy all the time between work, the kids, housework and my own hobbies, but I do get a bit lonely. I have no one to really relate to.

The saddest thing is that I enjoy watching influencers on Instagram to get fashion tips and stuff like that because there's no one in real life.

Sorry to hear that others are in the same boat.

Biglumpycustard · 05/05/2022 14:49

I don’t have friends bar one my best friend that I’ve known since primary, text regularly but don’t see her much because of work and I have a disability that affects my mobility. I do hide it.

Solosunrise · 05/05/2022 21:37

In answer to the second part of your post, ie how to make friends, I find the trick is to take an interest in people, but also be aware of body language and not overstep if they don't want to chat.
I'm sure you are nice, OP, but you also have to make the effort and be a little bit brave. If you meet someone and find conversation flows (colleague maybe, or at school gates, or as part of a hobby group) you could ask if they'd like to meet for a coffee. I never push it but I've made some good friends that way.
Perhaps not the ring any time of the day or night sort, but I have a good handful of people to meet up for coffee or the occasional lunch. That's enough for me. One friend sometimes invites me on a group meet up sometimes and I enjoy that too, but don't always go.
I just find by being friendly, I make friends. There is a great book by Robin Dunbar called Friends: Understanding the power of our most important relationships. If you like reading you might find that interesting Flowers

KangarooKenny · 05/05/2022 21:40

I don’t have any friends, but it’s because they were always my work mates. As I moved on I left them behind.
And now I don’t put up with bull shit, so that reduces my chances !

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 21:45

Yes I do hide it as despite what people say people do absolutely believe there is something wrong with those that don’t have friends and it’s because they are bad or nasty people, trust me I’ve seen people say it on here that they are suspicious of those that don’t have friends and would be wary of them. My ex use to make fun of me for having no friends so no it’s not something I actively tell people and I’ve been worried about trying to make friends as they will notice I don’t have other friends and wonder why!

ToffeeNotCoffee · 05/05/2022 21:45

old friends who we've been through thick and thin with and you could call at 3am

Sorry, but personally I think this is just drama. Not the mark of a friend.

However, back on topic

KittenKins · 05/05/2022 21:58

Yep, & I have no way to make any, no partner anymore so I'm very much isolated. When my parents pass away it
will just be me & paid carers. I hate it.

The person you heard talking probably didn't think you were in that situation, either that or they are an arse, but I'd error on the side of caution as I don't think most people are purposely cruel.

As you stated you are lonely, could you start by picking someone from work or your hobby & ask them for a coffee or drink one day?

poorpaws · 05/05/2022 22:02

I definitely don't hide it, I shout it from the rooftops and embrace it. I love dogs, not keen on people and never feel lonely.

Maytodecember · 05/05/2022 22:11

No I don’t hide it. I find people really hard work, my dog is less demanding and therefore better company.

KittenKins · 05/05/2022 22:12

PumpkinsandKittens · 05/05/2022 21:45

Yes I do hide it as despite what people say people do absolutely believe there is something wrong with those that don’t have friends and it’s because they are bad or nasty people, trust me I’ve seen people say it on here that they are suspicious of those that don’t have friends and would be wary of them. My ex use to make fun of me for having no friends so no it’s not something I actively tell people and I’ve been worried about trying to make friends as they will notice I don’t have other friends and wonder why!

I totally get this. Like you will be judged by society for no longer having anyone.

My ex isolated me from everyone around me, once he was arrested I thought it would change. Nope. Even if I had the chance, I feel people would find it odd & I wouldn't want to explain why.

However, I'd tell anyone else that it doesn't matter what others think and the only way to start with making changes is taking that first step. I think that quality friend's count more than quantity.

starlingdarling · 05/05/2022 22:12

Yep, I hide it. I have a couple of old friends in other countries that I chat to by text occasionally but I haven't met up with a friend in years. If you asked anyone at work they'd assume I have lots of friends . I'm not particularly quiet but I've secretly struggled with depression for years and when I'm in a bad way the best I can do is get up and go to work. I've let potential friendships fizzle out during those periods and then feel too embarrassed to try and reach out.

WimbyAce · 05/05/2022 22:21

I don't really have any friends, just people from work I have kept in touch with. Part of it is my fault as I am not good in putting effort in to maintain friendships eg meeting up etc, once a year is fine by me I couldn't commit to regular meetings. I used to feel awkward when people discussed doing stuff with their friends but now not really bothered as busy all the time anyway with kids.

Iknownothing · 05/05/2022 22:22

Yup me too. Just can’t get beyond exchanging pleasantries with people I recognise - it’s worse now I don’t do school run. I’ve tried inviting people for coffee but they’re always busy. Social media doesn’t help as I just see pics of people on nights out or gatherings where everyone except me seems to have been invited. I just don’t know how to get into a circle of friends. It worries me that in an emergency I have nobody to call or I could just disappear and I don’t think people would notice ☹️