Those with no friends - do you hide it?

[LottieTx]

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

You found like me op. I moved 300 miles from my hometown and family 10 years ago. I made a few friends over the years through my children, my close friend moved away last year and now I find no one talks to me. I stand in the playground on my own whilst groups of mums I know chat together. I'm to worried to join them in case I get shunned. I'll smile and say hello at everyone walking to and from the car though!

I have some very good friends and not because i think I’m a nicer or better person than someone who doesn’t, I think there may be luck and circumstances involved. I’m actually quite a shy person but 2 pieces of advice I remember from way back , one from my mum - she always told me to keep hold of good friends, treat them well - men will come and go in your life but a good friend will be there for ever. As a result of that advice I have always made an effort with a friendships, maintained contact, tried to be a good friend and be there for people but know when to step back. As a result I still have friends from years back… school friends, uni friends, work friends, school mum friends. Some are transient , for example , friends when I’ve worked with them but as I or they have left contact is lost over time for whatever reason but I’ve definitely picked up very good, close friends from all of those groups that are for life. The other advice was from when I was single - never turn down an invitation as you don’t know what it may lead to. Now obviously that can be exhausting, certainly now as I’m in middle age ! But when I was younger I often had to make myself socialise as I am quite shy and accept invitations then dread it all day long but sometimes by making myself do stuff it has lead to friendships and fun.
However , despite all that , I wouldn’t think badly of anyone for having no friends , there are circumstances that can contribute to that and some are happy not to be social. But if you’re not , you may need to put yourself out there a bit, hard as that may be.

Me too. I know its because socially I am rubbish. I cringe after social occasions when I think how stupid i sound. I know quite a few people but only 2 or 3 friends as such. Not embarrassing nowas I'm content, but it was when I got married and had hardly anyone to invite to my hen night.

I find it hard to make and keep friends I think because I have autism. Is anyone else asd?

I used to have quite a few friends from school firstly then uni but I moved quite a bit and we drifted away. Then I had mum friends but they’ve kind of went off and left me out a bit. I now feel like they only contact me when they need something. I have lovely friends at work but they are busy with their own lives and friends and lives at the weekends. I have no family apart from DH and the DC too but they keep me busy and I’m lucky I quite enjoy my own company.

I think this is the same for me but not diagnosed and no intention to but I have 2 children with asd, I struggle to talk to people and find the idea really uncomfortable everyone said I would make loads of friends once mine started school but it just never happened, unless I go up to them and approach them how will it happen.. I’m not the type to approach people and try to chat to them. I find social situations very difficult.

I'm like you and have one close friend but no groups or anything like that, I don't hide it.

I found that I was initiating contact ALL the time, when I realised this I thought "Am I more annoying than I thought? Am I more boring than I thought?" then realised I didn't care anyway, so I stopped initiating contact and I don't speak to anyone anymore. I hate going out, it induces really bad anxiety attacks, and not even having to think about arranging things and going out has actually improved my mental health (as weird as that might sound).

It doesn't bother me at all, I'm very self aware and I have ADHD, I know I'm terrible at maintaining relationships and low tolerance for BS so any whiff of drama or disrespect, I'm off. No headspace or attention span for it and I guess because I have that much going on around my brain at 100 mph ALL THE TIME I don't really have time to feel lonely a long with my family and everything else to take care of too.

I was hurt deeply by a best friend several years ago and I think a lot of how I am about having friends probably stems from that, but that situation also taught me that I wasn't always the problem either, but I am happy and content so I have no reason to change anything.

I know people think I'm a bit of a loner, on the school run, on social media all that stuff and I even make jokes about it but no one knows I have ADHD apart from close family. I know I'm a nice person and there's nothing "wrong" with me, I've just not met people who I click with.

I am open about it if I’m asked. I say as is, that I have a couple of acquaintances that I see a few times a year and we have a pleasant time. I have had those for years. But I have also moved a lot, and I was born abroad, so it’s no wonder really.

OP, I am more baffled by people trying to hold on to “having lots friends” no matter what. I find it unattractive actually when someone purposely talks about all these friends they have.

I am learning (have been for years and am getting better and better with age) to accept myself for who I am and be grateful. I am reclusive, it is not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s mine. I’m generally very happy🙂

I know the feeling. I have mild autism so friendships have always been something I struggle with, since I just don't relate to people or find anyone particularity interesting. I hate small talk and rarely find common ground with anyone so I just don't bother. I don't think having no friends is something to feel ashamed about, if you are happy keeping to yourself, then that's all that matters. Most friendships are false any way.

What?! Why is that drama? I like to think my oldest friends could call me at any time if they were in desperate need, and sometimes they have. No need to be catty.

OP being a nice person doesn’t make you a good friend, plenty of bitchy selfish people have friends. It’s about connecting with people, asking about their lives and sharing stories of your life. If you want to make friends, can you not take up a hobby like an art class or an exercise class?

Having read all the comments, I would like to add I also get that feeling of sheer exhaustion after social interactions.

Typically, I will only interact (on the very rare occasions that I do) with people I don’t mind, so it’s not that the interactions themselves are atrocious. It’s just that I get home afterwards, inevitably wash my face thoroughly (I feel the need to) and crawl into bed with a coffee and my phone or a book, or in some instances nothing at all and lie in bed with my eyes shut listening to the singing of the birds outside and the lapping of the waves.

I need a couple of hours to recharge before I can carry on. Socialising really saps my energy. So I’ve learned to be very selective with who and when I see.

This made me sad. Sending you a big hug!!

I’m a complete introvert, although you wouldn’t know it if you met me. I can put on a decent performance, be chatty and make people laugh but I go home and I agonise over what I have said and half the time end up with a migraine. People rarely remember me though. I think I could quite happily never socialise again but unfortunately the less you do it the bigger deal it is when you have to face the world, so I’ve tried facing it more (voluntary work etc) and it doesn’t get any easier, so I don’t know what the answer is. Feeling this way is a torment though.

I have no friends. Plenty of acquaintances, but no actual friends. I hate it and get embarrassed about it. I work with some lovely people who would be great to have as friends, but sadly I think they'll always just be acquaintances.

Yes me.

I used to have quite a few friends but they have gradually fallen by the wayside. There are only a handful of people I see infrequently. People get fed up of me I think.

I'm an introvert and pretty certain I have inattentive ADHD and possible ASD.

The only people who know are DH and a friend who admitted she had very few friends at school (but has quite a few friends now!). DH and I do some interesting stuff so I just focus on that. Every now and again I say I met a friend for lunch if asked so I don't sound like a complete saddo. I don't talk about myself if I can help it though.

Like a PP said, I have no idea who would come to my funeral. DH and the cat I think.

No friends. Don’t hide it, because I have no one to hide it from. Not ashamed of it. Not proud either. Happy - YES.

I’m the same. I do feel embarrassed about it, like there’s something wrong with me, and would never actually admit it.

I don’t actually have time for friends now I’ve gone back to work after being a SAHM, study part time too. I go to the gym several times a week. smile at people but never speak to anyone other than the gym staff! Have DH, 3 adult DC and preteen DC so always lots of conversation/debates in the house.

My close colleague has tons of friends that she’s known for years, always mentions them, a big group of them go on holiday together, have weekends away and nights out. It does make me a bit envious. She’s not a particularly nice person though so it does make me wonder.

I really struggled as a SAHM. I’m the type who can talk to people for ages as long as they start talking first though. Couldn’t get past chit chat with school mums. Used to really upset me.

Really love company and a laugh but I had a very traumatic and abusive childhood so I think people sense that I’m a bit standoffish. I’ve been told in the past I look up myself. Guess it’s a defence I’ve put up. Haven’t had friends since school days. Always got on with work colleagues but never past work. Mum and baby/toddler groups the same.

I’m so used to it now, I think I’d struggle to cope to keep up a friendship anyway.

I have no friends and i am nc with my family. Ppl at work think i have a happy healthy relationship with my extended family. I am great at making it all seem hunky dory. I do worry about what will happen when ds flies the nest. Whar if i fall or have a medical emergency?

Couldn’t we start a mumsnet friends group!! 😬 I have a couple of close old friends but never had ‘The girls’ groups everyone else seems to have. I live far from my old friends so never see them we just message here and there but rarely see each other these days. Xx

I don't hide it. I have friends as in people I keep in touch with and work friends but I'm just not a sociable person outside of work, busy pubs are my idea of hell lol I'll make an effort for big birthdays or events etc but am a real homebody
I'm happy with that, couldn't care less what others think.

If someone bangs on about how many friends they’ve got then it puts me off them. I’ve met a few like that. It leaves me a bit speechless. I find it really weird. I’ve met a few people through work and we chat about current affairs etc but they never go on about other friends. I like that. I don’t have a group of friends. I have no idea how to make one or keep one. Group dynamics baffle me.

Good idea!
I have moved constantly all my life. It’s been very hard to keep the friends I have made for this reason. I have made good friends, just found circumstances have changed and I’ve moved again! I have three good friends, two of whom live in other areas. The one friend who lives near me has become a recluse due to Covid and I’ve decided there isn’t any point keeping in touch.

I would really like to make some new friends, but it gets harder and harder as you get older.
I wish MN had meet up groups for areas.

Join a walking group. It made a big difference to me