Those with no friends - do you hide it?

[LottieTx]

As above really. I don’t have any friends. I’m a nice person - quiet and a bit boring but I’m nice so I’m not really sure why I’ve never managed a friendship. I have an old school friend I see maybe 2/3 times a year and I’m close to my sibling but that’s it. No group of friends, no friends from any hobbies or work. I have a lovely DH but I’m lonely a lot. Thing is I don’t think people realise I don’t have any and I’m actually worried they’ll find out and think less of me.
Twice in the past week or so I’ve had someone say to me about another person ‘well I don’t think they’ve got any friends’ in a derogatory way. I just nodded. I felt so stupid.

I suppose my question is - if you’re like me and have no friends do people know? Do you hide it? And for those with good friend groups any tips on how to make any as an adult?

What amazes me is how people who have no friends and a fair degree of social anxiety manage to meet their husband/partner.

I didn’t have friends for a time in life, as I was working on better mental health, and distancing myself from unhealthy past patterns. It was worth it - I suppose I hid it at the time, and I certainly had some grief over it-
now, I have healthier relationships with people that feel equitable (I used to be people’s personal dumping ground/ therapist/ yes-girl) and respectful, fun and easy (drama-free).

so I guess what I’m trying to say is: find out what you enjoy in life, and don’t be ashamed if there aren’t friends right now. Once you’re enjoying life, friends just seem to happen.

or if you like being alone (I do), then hell, no shame in that either.

I don't really have many friends. I see my sister and we go out with another two friends for dinner once every few months.

And then I have another friend but she has loads of friends so I'm sort of a B list friend.

I work full time though so at the weekends I'm happy pottering.

Outside my immediate family I don't have any friends. There are a few ex-colleagues who live nearby, we catch up once every few weeks for lunch/dinner. It doesn't really bother me, I spent 40+ years working full time, bringing up my sons and now I am retired, am content to be at home, potter in my garden, read, go for walks, catch up with my brother and sister, I love it. Hubby is semi retiring in the summer (this suits me fine) so we will finally be able to spent a little time together.

I thought I had friends. Turned out they were just school mums as soon as dd1 left primary I didn't hear from them.

We would go out at Christmas/ truck or treating / it wasn't just school related stuff. It was all very strange.

I have three close friends and feel I have reached the end of the road with all of them. One uses me as a dumping ground for her entirely negative take on life. The other two I have drifted away from for various reasons. I don’t want to be friends with any of them anymore but am scared at the prospect of being friendless. I meet people through two groups I attend , but none have become personal friends.
I have moved around a lot in life and got used to leaving and then never seeing people again. I have kept ties with some, but life changes and moves on. I wish now inhad out more time and effort into friendships. They really matter. One of the friends I have and no longer want to cultivate thinks it’s normal for one son to have no friends at all and live in isolation with his girlfriend. He doesn’t even invite his mother round. The other son has no friends and spends his weekends with his mother. She herself has no hobbies and very few friends.

Friendship is really important . My OH and I spend a lot of time together, but in my opinion limiting your life to one other person is not healthy. Being alone most of the time isn’t either.

I wish I had lived my life differently and focused on friendship a lot more. In my own family my father never had friends and my mother only made friends with people who shared the same religion. It wasn’t a good template.

Hi where are you all from ? Xx

I don't have any. I am a quiet person and in most peoples eyes, quite boring I am assuming. I'm also single so yes, am very lonely. I never get any texts and haven't been hugged by anyone but my neighbours little girl for months.

How have people been getting on and has anyone made connections with people.

I'm still struggling at the moment. Sometimes think no point in phone only DH who messages

@lmnabc I think some of it might of been online dating as not having the physical side

I’m in my early 60s and not any real friends, maybe a couple of people I speak to or see occasionally. Ive always had a few “proper”
friends throughout my life but not any more. I got shot of the last couple of friends as they did a couple of very disappointing things - the trust and respect went so it was all over for me.

But I’m honestly not bothered about friendships anymore. I socialise superficially sometimes - which I sometimes enjoy. But mostly i love my own company and find many people can be
vexatious to the spirit.

I don’t have a partner. I have a very small family and there are issues there too, they are so difficult i find myself distancing myself there too.

I think I do hide my lack of friendships but then
other people wouldn’t understand, and it’s not their business anyway.

I just seem to really love ❤️ my own company these days.

I've seen it on MN about dating that it's a red flag if they've no/few friends.Although I was watching a docu about psychopath who was bumping off partners for the life insurance and he easily made friends & was likeable.

It's definitely harder to make friends as you get older, people are busy with families and friends already have so don't want to add extra commitments.

I only have one close friend left and we don't meet in person very often. I've had suggestions that I should join clubs/groups to socialise to try build up my social circle but I find these difficult for multiple reasons and i end up coming across a quiet because I can't process group conversations as well as 1-2-1. I get along with most people well but they tend to only like me as an aqaintance not want to be friends, I discovered I'm neurodiverse couple years ago so that probably has some bearing on it. I'd like to try some ND specific groups to see if that makes any difference. Luckily I'm fine in my own company.

Realised I never answered the question☺️ I don't lie but tend to be vague and luckily people making small talk often aren't really interested in the answers to dig deeper. Unless they are also in similar position to understand , I feel people do often judge that there must be something wrong with you (the common denominator).

I lie. Just dont want to be judged or pitied. I am ashamed enough as it is.

My group small too. I like my own company too. Let a few go this year just not reliable. I seemed to be doing all the run around. I suppose you get used to it. Feel big groups can be drama too at times.

I sound much like you - quiet, 'boring' (I doubt I would find you boring!). I think I struggle to maintain friendships because it's all one-sided. I don't mean to be, but I think I think so little of myself that I just tell myself, they won't want to meet up with me, why would they. I don't particularly hide it but I don't shout it from the rooftops either. I don't think there's any shame in it. Like you, it's not because I'm a dialikeable person, I just find it hard to open up to people.

My husband approached me. If he never did, the opportunity would have been missed. I fancied him but never would have let him know. The thought of it never happening does always haunt me tbh.

Half the challenge with making friends is finding the right people to be your friend. The other half of it is picking out the exact right and very best sort of people who won't eventually screw you over. My husband approached me, and luckily we hit it off instantly. I think it helps that we're both very introverted and both passionately despise people. Things have been far from perfect, but we're still together and have worked very hard to make the marriage work. Sadly we're struggling with infertility and IVF is really testing us and it's looking likely that the second transfer has failed. I don't know if we're ever going to be parents but we'll always be together.

Passionately despise people. Wow.

I know the IVF struggle and testing a marriage. We are going through it as well. Took a break having no friends to talk through it is is so hard

Okay, we mildly dislike people. Is that better? At the time of writing I'd just got a negative pregnancy test, sorry. We do like other humans but in only very small doses. We're not social creatures and avoid groups where possible. Obviously becoming parents (if it ever freaking happens) will require socialising. It's not something that scares us, if anything it might help us to be less anti-social.

@Purplesmartie12 I understand. The trouble is, fertility struggles are still such a taboo because people don't like talking about how hard it is/was, especially if they've had multiple losses. It's like an additional no-no subject to religion, money and politics. All of which I avoid. Particularly here. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you are blessed with your babies soon xx

After finding I had adhd it answered a lot of questions- why I’d never had friends was a big one. So it’s not because I’m horrible/ bad/ grumpy/ bossy (maybe a bit) / it’s because I can’t match with NT people - however I do have some quirky colleagues I’m ok with.
so now I can stop trying - whew! And be me.
I think the medication helps- makes socialising easier.

I thought exactly the same - don't think anybody's suggesting you should wake up a friend at 3am for a gossip, but if, for example, a partner/close family member gets rushed into hospital and you need someone to look after your kids, or you have a house fire or other emergency and need somewhere to stay. - I'd absolutely be happy for a friend to call me in that scenario.

The slightly superior tone in this kind of post always puzzles me. You’re presumably an ordinary person married to another ordinary person trying (and from the heart I wish you the best in it) to do the deeply ordinary thing of having a child. Yet you both ‘passionately despise’, or ‘mildly dislike’ people, despite being people yourselves. What makes you the exception here to the ‘mild dislike’? What makes you acceptable to one another, when no one else appears to be? And it’s not that having a child ‘makes you socialise’, it’s more that as a parent you may want to model the possibility of having healthy, mutually enriching relationships, rather than regarding the entire human race with ‘mild dislike’.