I don’t know why I’m posting this, I’m pretty sure I know what the advice will be and I don’t want to take it but I’m just so sad.
I have a beautiful 17 month old little girl who I adore. When she was born I really struggled to adjust to motherhood and was diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety. I got some help and went through some cognitive behavioural therapy which I really didn’t find helpful. However as my daughter got older things seemed to calm down a bit, I got into a rhythm and now I can cope.
However, some days I just feel unbearably sad, lonely and out of control. The last few weeks I haven’t been able to focus at work which I’ve got away with because I’m working from home so everyone just assumes I’m working. My house is a complete mess. Today I just can’t stop crying.
My husband isn’t available. He works long hours so is out of the house from 8am, comes back to give our daughter a bath at around 6 but then is online working again usually until after midnight. I have a supportive family but they live several hours away. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to.
My daughter is in nursery four days a week while I’m working. Im doing my best and she’s a lovely little girl but I hate being the one who is in charge of her care all the time. I want to take care of her (and I do) but the fear of getting it wrong and being the one making all of the decisions for her terrifies me.
I feel like my marriage is falling apart. My husband works so hard, he says he’s going to try to move to a job with fewer hours but I worry I’m pushing him into it and he’ll resent me. We used to be so close, now I can feel myself pushing him away by being so grumpy all the time. He was working these hours while I was struggling with the worst of the PND and I just felt so abandoned, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.
Is this still post natal depression or is it a bad patch? I don’t know what to do, I can’t think clearly.