I have really bad anxiety opening people’s messages

[CrazyDogWoman]

It’s actually quite bad. I could be sending a friend a simple message and I feel to anxious to open it, it’s as if I feel like I’m bothering with them and I don’t know how they will interact.

Even when I WhatsApp my boss, I can’t click into WhatsApp to see what he has said. I have my notifications off so I don’t know if he’s seen my message or if he has replied.

Often this will go on for days before I will get the courage to open the message.

Anyone else have this problem?

What is it that you're afraid of? If you're sending a simple 'Hi, how are you'? message to a friend what do you think they're going to send back?

Hey! Sorry to hear you are dealing with this, sounds like it's becoming a really big issue for you 😞
Have you looked at things like CBT? It sounds like you naturally have a lot of negative thinking patterns, i.e. "my message is going to bother them" when in reality that person might receive your message and be happy to hear from you! And there's a million reasons nowadays why people don't reply right away and very rarely it's because they don't want to talk to you.
There's an app called Woebot that is free to download and it might help with retraining some of those negative/anxious thought patterns 🙂

Have you always felt like this or has it got worse over time?

do you think they might make a demand of you that you cant manage the potential pressure, or are you worried about bad news?

To a certain extent, yes. It's actually quite a relief to see your post - I'm not the only one! Group chats are particularly tricky for me.

Yes I have this and have let friendships fizzle out because of it. It takes me days or even weeks to read messages sometimes. I even have one unread message that's nearly a year old and I still don't know what it says

I find it's worse when I have lots on my to do list already and replying to a message feels like another chore, so I just avoid it (and everything else on the list). It's also worse if I'm feeling bad about myself as I'll think they are just replying to be nice but don't really want to talk to me. I've had CBT for anxiety before but not this specific issue, maybe I need to revisit it.

You're definitely not alone!

Yeah, when my anxiety is bad I get like this.

I also get anxious opening post, but I reckon that’s a hangover from when exH left me in debt.

It's very inconvenient when people don't reply to questions and honestly this type of friend I would want to end a friendship with if they don't care enough to reply for days/weeks/years:

It takes me days or even weeks to read messages sometimes. I even have one unread message that's nearly a year old and I still don't know what it says

If your boss has messaged you, OP you really should read it and acknowledge. Let them know you'll respond when next working, if it's anything complicated but ignoring really isn't going to show you in a positive light .

Yes I have this and have let friendships fizzle out because of it. It takes me days or even weeks to read messages sometimes. I even have one unread message that's nearly a year old and I still don't know what it says blush

I am the exact same; it's a big problem in maintaining friendships. For me, I think it stems from being bullied by so called 'friends' in late secondary school (wasn't all that long ago for me). Now, I fear messaging people because i'm frightened I won't get a reply - or a nice reply - and all those old feelings surface again.

I am very aware it has ruined friendships for me

have you had a bad experience in the past with messages?

I had massive anxiety for a while over emails (due to a poor situation that went on for several months and left me wreck).

I went on ebay and 'saved search' for pretty things i liked - not even specific things, just random ideas so I'd be happy if anything ever popped up that did fit the bill, e.g. "victorian - rose gold - ivy" or "art deco - cast metal - within 5 miles". I saved about 20 searches. Everyday they ping me if anything matching those categories comes up, probably about 8 a day. They aren't things i'm going to rush out and buy (probably) they're just pretty, unthreatening, nice things and I learnt to ease myself back into emails by having them there.

Maybe something like that? Or tell a friend and get them to send you nice unthreatening text messages (e.g. cute animal memes) whenever they remember, so you always know their messages are going to be nice and no threat?

I understand you! One thing I like is to use a work based app for work stuff (e.g. Slack) and that ring fences what I'm expecting, plus it feels quite casual. I'm totally cool with that.

I think the problem with WhatsApp is that everyone and everything seems to be using it so you can't just switch off and log in, it might be work requests or family requests or friends or some group chat that's turned stress and political, etc. So your brain is probably feeling like it wants to avoid anything WhatsApp related. Plus you can't read social cues when opening messages which I feel makes things weird. I'm ok with messages but phone calls I'm very avoidant of for the same reason. Actually I hate speaking on the phone, to anybody.

This is really interesting. I'd never identified this before but yes to an extent I have this but it's with specific people who I think will want something from me/I will end up in a back & forth with if I reply to soon which I don't have time for/I have a feeling of guilt for whatever reason around that person.

Busy friends, people who I know won't have time to reply immediately, people who don't "need" I have no problem at all with.

Interesting.

OP could you start just by having certain people whose messages you will always read? Like your boss? And leave the rest? It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

don't "need" me that should say

Would it be easier if you phoned and asked people to call you instead of sending messages?

@Dilbertian

To a certain extent, yes. It's actually quite a relief to see your post - I'm not the only one! Group chats are particularly tricky for me.

I feel the same.

@newnortherner111

Would it be easier if you phoned and asked people to call you instead of sending messages?

God that'd be even worse!! 😂

If it helps there are some nice non committal phrases you can use with demanding pushy types:

Thanks for letting me know.
That's interesting.
Indeed.
I'll let you know.
Worth considering.
And if all else fails and the context isn't work a well placed emoji will cover a multitude.

Using these holding phrases gives you time to think and consider and plan more at your own pace whilst still being responsive. If you collect a library of them you can just rattle the most appropriate one off almost like an automated response.

OP do you know what the anxiety is about?
Is it about bad news?
Another obligation/task?
Someone asking you a question you don't know how to answer?
Something else?

Yes. You're not alone OP

When I am very depressed and or anxious it presents like this (with many other symptoms too, of course) I also don't open emails, post, or listen to answerphone messages or answer the phone if it rings.

I think it's the fear that it will be something I have to 'deal with'. A bill to pay, a friend wanting to meet up (and having to turn them down as i can't even get out of bed/brush my hair), family wanting to know 'how are you? '. Something that requires energy I don't have, or that will reveal just how ill I am to people.

I had an answerphone message on my mobile that I never listened to that eventually was auto deleted. I had letters that I eventually opened a year after they arrived. Luckily I live with DP so he opened anything that looked like a bill.

I was very very ill, signed off work, incapable of looking after my daughter. Looking back, the best thing would probably have been to be in hospital somewhere, but I eventually dragged myself out of it somehow. Not saying that's where you are heading but it started with a reluctance to engage with the outside world, so I'd definitely advise you to speak to your GP or self refer to the mental health team in your area.

Please speak yo your GP to get help with your anxiety because this is not normal.

I'm like this too. I annoy myself about it.

I get this! I also get anxious opening post when I can’t tell what it is. If someone rings me (and it’s not my mum or my husband) and I’m not expecting it I get anxious, I think it’s bad news.

I get anxious about responding to messages sometimes as well, even simple things. I put it off.

I just don’t have that many friends and I feel as though nobody wants to bother with me so when I do message people, I’m too scared to check in case they’ve ignored me or if they’ve been nasty.

On the other hand, I don’t like confrontation. For example, I had to text my boss once as he messed up my holiday request and I couldn’t open it as I didn’t like the thought of arguing with him.

Sometimes its really stupid. I guess I just fear I’m bothering people.

I'm like this with voicemail! Its not uncommon for me to have about 30. Thankfully its only family mainly, I keep telling them not to leave voicemails. It came about as at one point my work and personal numbers were the same and I then gave my landline out when WFH. Blurred boundaries. It felt much better when I got a separate work phone, but I am still in the bad habit of not checking!

I have this too Op. It can be quite debilitating.. I deleted WhatsApp from my phone 3 months ago when a particularly demanding client starting messaging me for free work, and I have not had the balls to reinstall it since. I have 250k unread emails across 3 accounts. Some more important than others!

I spent the last three days agonising over the right time to send 3 texts. Eventually I did it, it took less than ten minutes! Reminding myself that worrying takes more energy than doing, can help.

I have found reading about AdHd and procrastination / anxiety loops are helpful for understanding the way my brain sometimes seems to freeze up. The YouTube channel “How to ADHD” has been quite helpful for things like this. It makes me feel less alone. I am not diagnosed with anything currently but have had anxiety / depression issues in the past. I find CBT / depression tips a little bit dry and dehumanising but viewing things through the lens of ADhD (ie emotional burnout due to thinking about too many things rather than emotional burnout because my serotonin is low) feels more empowering to me.

I hope this thread stays active and we can share tips. It’s the bane of my life right now. I have NO clue how / when I will ever be able to reinstall WhatsApp again. And yet I can post crap on mumsnet no prob