I was going to tell a knock knock joke...

[TheBabyAteMyBrain]

... But then realised this is Mumsnet, and no one would open the door.

Da sum tssh

I've had a shitty ol' day. Anyone fancy sharing a few jokes?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who
How very dare you

Knock knock
Who's there?
Beats
Beats who?
Beats me

2 monkeys got into a bath.
One went "Oooo Oooo Oooo Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa"
The other one said "put some cold in, then!"

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiots house.

Knock knock
Who's there
The chicken

I ate a clock today. It was very time consuming.

@thebabyatemybrain 😂

Ha! Not bad, not bad.

What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin.

Knock knock
Who's there
Isabelle
Isabelle who
Is-a-bell necessary on a bike

Knock knock
Who's there
Nicholas
Nicholas who
Knickerless girls should not climb trees

My favourite ever joke:

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

My 4 year olds favourite

Knock Knock
Who's there
Atish
Atish who
Bless you

DS's favourites

Two cows in a field. One goes 'moooo'. The other one goes 'Aw. I was going to say that'

Two sausages in a pan. One says 'hot in here, isn't it?' The other says 'Argh! A taking sausage!'

What's a ninja turtle's favourite chocolate spread? Donutello

Who's the coolest person in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy

Who's the coolest person in the hospital when the ultrasound guy is on his holidays?

The hip replacement guy!

And, my personal favourite,

What's green and brown, has six legs, And if it falls out of the tree it can kill you?

Dramatic pause for effect

A snooker table

DS, age 3, loves:

Knock knock
Who’s there
Egbert
Egbert who
Egbert no bacon

Knock knock
Whose there
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting C...
MOOOOOO!

Knock Knock
Whose there
Cow
Cow who
Cows go Moo not Who

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes
A Didyouthinkhesauras.

2 cannibals are eating a clown. One of them says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

There was a young lady from Tottenham
Who’d no manners, or she’d forgotten ’em
At tea at the vicar’s
She tore off her knickers
Because, she said, she was too hot in ’em

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other... "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

A bloke assaulted me the other day with cream and milk.

How dairy.

Ultrasound guy and hip replacement guy!!!! Genius.

Also ‘but no one would open the door’ is v funny OP and I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day

Combine harvesters.

Then you'd have a really big restaurant.

Sorry....

Two parrots sitting on a perch
One says to the other
"Is it me, or can you smell fish?"

Why are graveyards noisy?
Because of all the coffin!

What animal has more lives than the cat?
A frog, he croaks every night.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

I brought some shoes for a drug
Dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

From* 🙈