I was going to tell a knock knock joke...

[TheBabyAteMyBrain]

... But then realised this is Mumsnet, and no one would open the door.

Da sum tssh

I've had a shitty ol' day. Anyone fancy sharing a few jokes?

Very good guys. Some classics have got me smiling. Thanks

Knock knock
Who's there?
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in then.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner - I never use it.
It was just collecting dust...

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaarrrgghh

What’s a pirate’s favourite shop?
Aarrrghos

What’s a pirate’s favourite subject?
Aaarrrgghht

What’s a pirate’s favourite football team?
Aarrrgghhesnal

“Continue to make up jokes with the same punchline as long as you can get away with it - it’s ok if they guess the answer... always finish with...

You: What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
Them (bored): Aaarrgghh
You: Nay! A pirate’s first love be the C!

While taking a bath, a three-year-old boy was examining his testicles.
"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

@Trebarwithgirl.....

What do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s very heavy, and the other’s a little lighter,

What do you get if you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear.

Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other “can you smell carrots?”

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Knock Knock
Who’s there
Cows go
Cows go who
No they don’t cows go moo

Knock Knock
Who’s there
Boo
Boo who
Oh don’t cry. It’s only me.

That cemetery’s amazing, in fact so amazing. People are dying to get in there.

What’s the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath.
One has hope in her soul.
The other has Soap in her hole.

What does Scrooge doctor when it's cold?
He sits by a candle.

What doe's Scrooge do when it's very cold?
He lights the candle.

DOES not doe's

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

What do you do if a gang of murderous clowns attack you?

Go for the juggler

What do you get if you cross a sheep and an octopus?
A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Council and immediate cessation of funding.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals? Still no fucking idea!

I told an Eskimo a joke but Inuit.