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Original poster

Would I be considered the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

41 replies

ValidVictorian · 22/10/2019 20:09

I work P/T in a fairly low paid job. About 2/3 of my total income comes from benefits. At the moment my income is about 3/4 what DP earns. (Both lower rate tax payers...we're not talking millions!)

We're hoping to move in together next year, he and his daughter will move here as I'm in a S/O house whereas he is renting. But if he does I'll lose all my benefits so my income will be 1/4 of his.

I can't get myself convinced that he'll be happy paying for the lion's share of everything, particularly as he'll be going from a household of 2 to a household of 5. I just don't know how to divide things fairly.

So, given he'll be paying most of the bills, am I a cocklodger? I'll be doing after school care, though his daughter is 10 now so won't really need a lot.

OP posts:
ConfCall · 22/10/2019 20:16

Presumably it’s temporary, until your children no longer require after school care and you can increase your hours. I also imagine that you’ll be doing more than 50% of the domestic stuff if you have more time at home.

All that said, I think that you need to chat to him about this, how it’ll work, expectations.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2019 20:25

I'm sorry, but that actually sounds quite a lot to ask of him. How much worse of will he be? Might it be worth living separately until your respective dc are older?

TheBouquets · 22/10/2019 20:30

Make sure you do cancel all benefits when DP moves in. Too many men move in with women, especially ones with children, and the benefits still being claimed falsely by women who are at risk of being caught taking benefits they are no longer entitled to.

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General money
Fizzypoo · 22/10/2019 20:32

When my dp moved in and I lost tax credits he paid me the same amount what I lost, plus he goes halfs on most things.

I've now recently had a promotion and an increase of hours. We now earn mostly the same. Instead of paying back my tax credits he now has to do more around the house as I'm out more than him.

My dp didn't see his money as his money, he wanted to provide for me and my DC. I look after him and he looks after me. Your dp may be the same.

MarmiteOrGoHome · 22/10/2019 20:42

If you're living in one house as a family then surely all money should be pooled.
Is he the type who wouldn't mind seeing you struggle?

RandomMess · 22/10/2019 20:55

Surely he could help out with childcare so you could get a better job??

Anyway you are coming together as a family you need to discuss short term arrangements and longer term plans,

Presumably he will be saving money on rent?

Original poster
ValidVictorian · 22/10/2019 21:52

Ah that old 'get a better job' line...oddly enough well paid, better jobs aren't exactly plentiful for someone with no practical qualifications who's the wrong side of 40. The only experience I gave is in the job I'm doing. Plus I have MH issues and don't cope well under pressure.

Apologies if I sound snippy, I barely slept last night and it's making me a bit crabby.

OP posts:
Kinsters · 23/10/2019 03:45

Hmm, I assume your two children aren't his? How old are they? Is there any option for you to increase your hours a bit or possibly take on a second part time job?

I think whether the arrangement is fair or not depends on how your DP feels about it. If he's happy for you to do what you're doing then don't give a second thought to what other people think. If he's not happy with the arrangement though then you need to start thinking of options for bringing in some more money as otherwise resentment could build up. Definitely discuss the reality of your financial situation before he moves in and make sure he understands.

CilantroChili · 23/10/2019 03:52

Do you like each other’s children?

Original poster
ValidVictorian · 23/10/2019 04:38

Yes we like each other's children...I'm not quite sure what that has to do with things though.

I could get a weekend/evening job to bring in a bit more money but that would mean him looking after the kids more. He's never actually had all 3 on his own whereas I have so I don't know how he'd feel about that.

I tried increasing my hours at work and it was a disaster. My kids didn't cope at all with going to after school club, and after my benefits were cut due to my earnings going up, plus increased childcare costs, I was actually worse off financially.

I know that I really do need to talk to him about all this rather than post on here, but I'm just trying to get things clear in my own head first.

OP posts:
1300cakes · 23/10/2019 04:52

To me a cocklodger is someone who doesn't bother/prefers not to contribute financially when there is no prior agreement for this between the partners. And they don't do any housework either.

In your case you are working and will contribute what you can, and you are being upfront about what this amount will be. So you both can figure out in advance whether it works and you are happy. Plus I assume you will be doing your share of the housework.

Fizzypoo · 23/10/2019 08:26

If you contribute by taking care of his DC, cooking and running the house (not 100% as you do work) and he contributes financially more then as long as you're both ok with that then you're not a cocklodger.

I told my dp that I couldn't afford for him to move in as I'd lose tax credits. Dp wanted us to be a family and sees his money as our money. I still wanted that security of him giving me what I lost so I didn't have to ask him for money. But dp was never stingy with money before he moved in and regularly took me and my DC out and paid for this, he regularly did weekend shopping and put petrol in my car if I was driving. What is your dp like with money already? Does he see himself as a man who looks after his family or is he down the middle with everything money wise?

Temeraire · 23/10/2019 08:29

How many years will it be before your DC won’t need after school club? And is their father contributing an appropriate amount to the household?

Catforaheadrest · 23/10/2019 08:30

You’ll lose all your benefits and be worse off. It’s you i’d be more concerned about!

What rent is he currently paying? Will he pay similar when living with you, or much less?

BuildBuildings · 23/10/2019 08:33

Not a female cocklodger because you are contributing financially and I imagine you will be looking after your own children plus doing some domestic stuff. Which a cocklodger doesn't do. But do have an honest conversation about the loss of benefits if he moves in. I've seen lots of threads on here where couples haven't done that and it doesn't end well.

Love51 · 23/10/2019 08:39

I think it's a good idea to show him exactly how much money you will be losing as a result of him moving in and make it clear if you as a unit are now worse off. If he baulks at the idea that he should therefore be helping you out financially, then you know that you will be better off remaining in separate households for the time being.
Also make sure you have enough money to tide you over while you end your existing tax credit claim and start a new one.

RandomMess · 23/10/2019 08:48

I have to say it sounds like you will be automatically stepping into the "wife work" role such as carrying the mental load as well as doing all the cooking, washing, ironing, washing up, childcare and so on. That is valuable! How much would it cost him to employ a cleaner, cook, childcare?

You do need and open and honest conversation about finances and domestic responsibilities and that he is gaining from this arrangement as well as you losing £. Most of ensure that with pooled finances it is affordable for you both.

Akire · 23/10/2019 08:56

Not a cocklodger! The equalivant would be for you to move your children in add nothing in childcare and housework and not have a job.

Is S/O sole own ship? So don’t forget he is already going to be saving what he would have paid in rent. You both need to work out what bills you will save on like utillity bills for example and what income will go down, benefits side.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2019 09:03

Have you discussed this with him? As long as you’re totally open and honest and he’s happy to share his larger income with you, it’s fine. Remember his moving in with you will save him a massive amount of rent, which he would then effectively be using to finance your loss of tax credits / benefits. It sounds as if you have a fair amount to lose as well as gain by moving in together so don’t forget this.

TheAutumnHere · 23/10/2019 09:07

Cocklodger is about treating the place like a free hotel - not about balance of incomes. But if I was your friend I'd be worried how disempowered you might become - with a reduced income and a home that felt 'his'.

foodname · 23/10/2019 09:10

If your children are school aged, yes I kind of think it does, I would be expecting you to work full time. Loss of benefits and a household of 5 means you should be bringing more in, or the weight is on your partner, you may think you couldn't earn more in the same hours but you could increase your hours. If they're pre school I'd let you off till they start school Grin

RednaxelasPony · 23/10/2019 09:12

Are you on tax credits? Be aware that if you stop claiming TC you will not be able to restart. You'll get bumped onto UC and may be eligible for exactly 0. Use the entitledto calculator for UC before you decide.

Be careful you don't end up his maid/cleaner/nanny.

You need to have some serious conversations with him before you make any changes. You could really end up in the shit.

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2019 09:18

It doesn't matter about labels op. You need to talk to him and agree finances, not move in then take the discussion.

SpiderCharlotte · 23/10/2019 09:19

Make sure you do cancel all benefits when DP moves in.

I don't even know why someone would post this. One of the main points of the post is that she will lose her benefits because she will cancel her benefits.

missyB1 · 23/10/2019 09:29

Why do some people think if your children are school age you should be working full time? Both parents should be working full time really? Whether that works for the kids or not? All families are different!! What suits some families will be disastrous for others. What some kids cope with will really stress others.

OP you won’t be doing anything wrong, but just make sure if things don’t work out between the two of you that you would be able to be independent again.

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