Would I be considered the female equivalent of a cocklodger?

[ValidVictorian]

I work P/T in a fairly low paid job. About 2/3 of my total income comes from benefits. At the moment my income is about 3/4 what DP earns. (Both lower rate tax payers...we're not talking millions!)

We're hoping to move in together next year, he and his daughter will move here as I'm in a S/O house whereas he is renting. But if he does I'll lose all my benefits so my income will be 1/4 of his.

I can't get myself convinced that he'll be happy paying for the lion's share of everything, particularly as he'll be going from a household of 2 to a household of 5. I just don't know how to divide things fairly.

So, given he'll be paying most of the bills, am I a cocklodger? I'll be doing after school care, though his daughter is 10 now so won't really need a lot.

I think you need to sit down and work out exactly what your income and outgoings would be if you moved in together. MSE has a good budget somewhere that makes sure you take into account all your outgoing's. Start with that budget and see how the discussion progresses.

@missyB1 if money is going to be an issue, yes of course. The OP has said she isn't able to earn more, but if she needs more money the answer is to work more hours surely? She's been subsidised by benefits to work part time thus far. If she doesn't think she needs more money, then she is asking her partner to subsidise her? Which is sort of the original question, if that's what she's asking from him, the conversation needs to be upfront now laying out expectations on both sides. And as others have said there are things she has to be careful from her viewpoint too.

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would keep things as they are, personally. Your independence is worth too much to lose.

My ex was very keen to move in with me (he lived in a squat), but I’m long-term sick, and would have lost a huge chunk of my benefits. He was earning minimum wage type of thing and was not generous, and the idea of asking him for permission to spend money in my (small, privately rented, ex-council) flat, and him taking up half the space, was far too depressing. So I dumped him instead! And that was without the complication of kids.

Can he move closer to you?

I agree with those who have said you need to worry more about the predicament it would put you in if you didn't work out. Chances are you would want to contribute all of what you earn and that would limit your ability to save. Never a good idea for a woman, or anyone really, to put themselves in that position.

@foodname I tried working longer hours, I ended up with my 9 year old telling me he was suicidal and felt worthless and like he shouldn't exist. I'm going to prioritise his well-being over work.

And the school have concerns over DS2 and want him referred to the child development centre I really can't give any more of myself to my job.

Can you retrain?

I tried working longer hours, I ended up with my 9 year old telling me he was suicidal and felt worthless and like he shouldn't exist.

Can't see how this has any correlation with the hours you worked. He needs to be taught resilience and have proper counselling. He's far too young to understand the implications of you not working.

You just need an honest conversation.

“ok so let’s do he finances, I’ll be £600 worse off, as I’ll loose benefits. How much will you save?”

“What shall we do about it? “

It should balance out, he can pay the amount into the family pot, keeping an amount.

If you can’t have these conversations, I think you should wait. You should be able to be honest with each other before committing.

NFW you should live with him. You sound like you think you should skivvy for him for his having the courtesy to live with you. You'll be left skint AF and then on UC. You have far too much to lose and may wind up making your kids miserable. I would tell him we need to continue as we are, that living together isn't an option just now.

Really? You don't see any correlation at all between my son suddenly spending way more hours at school, hardly having any down time at home and seeing me way less with a decline in his MH?

He's been referred for proper counselling but in the meantime forgive me for wanting to be available for my child as much as humanly possible.

Sorry if I sound snippy but it's incredibly upsetting to hear a 9 year old say those things and I won't get drawn into a discussion about working full time. Its not going to happen at the moment. Maybe when he starts secondary school I'll reconsider.

I think it's pretty clear your DS needs your support and if you can cope on your current hours and salary well that's good.

Have you had an open and honest conversation with your DP about finances and domestic workload? That is key that you start off on the right foot about sharing finances and "wifework" he may bring more home in £ but I'm sure you'll end up with more wifework and him far less than he has at the moment.

If you can't imagine working FT then I definitely would not move this guy in. You will be moved to UC when it goes tits up, and it will because you already know he won't be happy making up the shortfall of what you lose in benefits, and you'll be expected to find FT work once you are on UC. The government will not give a toss about the effects on your children or your MH issues.

Plenty of children do the same and are absolutely fine. Sounds like unhealthy enabling to be honest.

If he can't cope with change like that, what will happen when a man moves into his home with another child?

Many single parents work full time because being subsided benefits isn't an option.

It's a bit more complicated than teaching resilience. It's obvious that the child has been through something else other than mum increasing hours. And seems like the op is doing everything within her power to support him. Councilling is hard to get, to begin with, the hoops you have to go through for a child are worse.

Each household runs differently. At the moment you dealing with health issues of your own and your child. Any benefit depending on income will be impacted. Are you sure that your own mh can hold up to such a huge change? It's not just about the money and general house stuff, it's the little things and not having your space I'm thinking about.

Don't worry about being a cocklodger. You wouldn't be one. Cocklodgers don't work or make a token effort. They don't lift a finger around their home. They don't parent their children. Their sole existence involves the reliance on others for everything because they think they are entitled to it.

@ValidVictorian right.....well you're going to have to have a clear conversation with your partner laying down your expectations of each other, he will have to subsidise you if benefits won't, and you will have to work out what is fair in regards to mortgage, equity etc barring in mind he will be contributing.

Don't do it. I know he's the most marvellous man in the world but I beg you to not give up your independent income. You will hate it, he'll resent it. Please reconsider until you're both more financially secure.