To think that the problem is not that there aren’t enough good men about

I didn’t infer. I wondered but the post I replied to had explained the data anyway - as so often it was down to the research question. It really wouldn’t make sense for women to be as violent as men in just one small area of life.

Ha ha… I remember a guy I dated (lovely guy, would have been a good husband) telling me that he used to have a bath with his ex (when they were together, like!). It was a bit icky.

But DH has pissed in the wardrobe. Real ick!

I think the sort of man I am attracted to would have a bath if he wanted one and be unapologetic, seeking someone who wouldn't dismiss him on that basis. That is the sort of confidence I am looking for, I think, and he needs to make me laugh.

What makes some men irresistible to women and others of no interest is quite complex, I think, but nice guys have not always prospered. It is fascinating. I can never say whether I find someone attractive from a photo as how they speak/come across is crucial to me. Without seeing someone's smile in real life, I can't say.

Finding someone attractive is a complicated thing, and we all have our 'Icks' I suppose. I think mine would be turning up in a mid life crisis sports car. I'd like a bicycle as a top choice and luckily DH drove an elderly Renault Cleo when we met, so all good. I could probably think someone was quite nice and revise my opinion entirely as they revved a Porsche Boxster in a crowded car park. Too try hard and performative for me. Luckily I'm happily married and lots of other women will like the sports car revving, so everyone's happy. 😃

Me neither. I'm over here like "Eh? What's wrong with short-sleeve button-down shirts?"

As for getting the ick over a man having a bath, I despair.

This made me laugh out loud! He's not alone. My DH hasn't but came home the other night after a few drinks and was delighted to have pissed in our front garden on his way in. Perfect end to a night out, apparently.

None of it makes sense. You can’t help getting the ick over certain things. I couldn’t go out with a man who wore socks with sandals.

You’re not wrong OP. And no wonder there are so many kids who don’t have dads on the scene, because low and behold it comes to fruition that these men often turn out feckless but they women couldn’t have possibly foreseen it coming….. You can generally tell them a mile off!

I think you can help it. You can do the work to understand why you always like bad boys and why one who presents more gently in socks and sandals is a turn off for you, for example.

Otherwise women who continually move from one dreadful man to another can't help it, it's just what they're attracted to?

It's interesting that this list of icks seems to be thongs that might apply to nice guys who aren't that bothered about appearances?

A shirtsleeved shirt, a bath, socks (I'll give you passing on the wardrobe).

If those are the kind of things that turn you off, you probably do need to have a think about why.

Socks and sandals though...

Even the ‘nice’ ones are often horrible behind closed doors in my experience.

I am not sure about that though @scoutzx

For me, there were always men I would like to have sex with but would not dream of having a relationship with never mind a child. I could appreciate their sexiness and have fun but leave it at that.

When I met dh I knew that he was long term relationship category, and I acted accordingly. We had shared values. That is what made him sexy to me.

My mum drummed a few things into me growing up, one being handsome is as handsome does! Meaning, how he behaves towards you and others are what make him.

@Redbags “I think you can help it. You can do the work to understand why you always like bad boys and why one who presents more gently in socks and sandals is a turn off for you, for example.”

I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who wore socks with sandals. Just like I’m not attracted to short, bald or fat men. I’m attracted to
men who are intelligent and capable. Men who have some ‘get up and go’.

Seconding all of this. The idea that it all comes down to type comes across as saying that if you picked a different type they'd automatically be good life partners. That's not how compatibility and life partnering works.

I've never dated an 'alpha male' or a laddish type - one of my 'icks'/absolute no to continuing a relationship is seeing a person drunk so I was never around that type long. I've still known plenty of nerdy, arty, academic, soft guy types who were absolutely not life partner material at that time. That's similar to a lot of women I know - I can't really think of any I know who fit the OP's stereotype of being into alpha male/laddish types.

Really, I think many cultures have largely moved more individualistic and not really setting people up to be life partners. It feels like at times it's pushing against social norms in many spaces to prioritise life partnering for both women and men, regardless of sexuality, rather than towards career or personal experiences.

That doesn't make any sense though. A short , bald, fat man in socks and sandals could have more intelligence and get up and go than anyone you've ever met.

I just think it's a tale as old as time.

The be-cardiganed, sensible & steady nice-guy male is not as obviously attractive.

Films have been telling us this for years! There's a truth there though. My nice-guy was definitely a good pick.

I know this puts it squarely on women and their choices but this is one way to have nothing to do with crap men that we can completely control.

It doesn’t have to make sense. I wouldn’t be attracted to them, so I wouldn't want to kiss or have sex with them. If I'm going to embark on a physical relationship, I need to feel that attraction.

Of course you do, but you can also consider why you rule out men who have the characteristics you apparently want because of how they look. I don't think what you find attractive is set in stone, it's a result of your social conditioning.

I don’t find overweight men attractive. That is set in stone for me. I’m very slim and look after my health, so I want someone who does too. I have never dated a bald man or a short man.

I think they all like the idea of being the woman he ‘changes’ for because she’s just so special.

Anyone under 5ft 10.

@MrsShawnHatosy I’m 5ft 7. My ex was 6ft.

I used to think the issue was lack of good men but then also realised I had some bat shit crazy single female friends with no interests other than having a bit of Prosecco in the evenings or a desire to be looked after who I wouldn't want to introduce to single male friends as well.

In general, and I think it gets flushed out at different points, there are some tragic people on both sides.