My teenage son and his attitude to my relationship

The majority of domestic abusers are also abusive and controlling to their mothers and sisters. I get that technically he is a child but he very soon won’t be and he sounds very troubled and controlling. OP putting her life on hold even further isn’t going to help. He has been like this since before she got a partner. When does it end? He sounds the type to never move out of home, continuing to control and manipulate his mum, stopping her from having any life of her own. I totally understand why the OP is fed up. The fact that her other children seem to have turned out very different shows that she’s not a shit parent.

I think that 24/36 hours every week is too much. Wait another couple of years for that

I think he’s clearly struggling and pushing him away even further by making him feel abandoned is only going to cause everyone more distress

This isn’t an “ average “ 16 year old and actually I don’t know know any 16 year olds who are left once a week for an overnight and 2 days with only siblings to take care of him

Siblings who he seems to hate and one hates him back

That’s really lax parenting

It would be different if he was with his other parent or even an adult relative but not with siblings a few years older

I think I’d still have the odd overnight but say you will always give him the ability to ask you to stay home on a give night if he is anxious with the proviso that he stays home too @creatorcure I bet he wouldn’t exercise the right that often but when he did has to give you the same grace and not go out. Might make him think and also be reassured that you can’t control people for control’s sake … you could also offer the odd ‘come with me this time’. It may just be a phase that you can get through.

I don't think this would work. He only wants to spend time with OP so given the choice of vetoing her going anywhere would just result in OP never going anywhere.

This what OP said: We go for an hour walk every single day ,
make dinner , eat together and then he sits beside me on the settee for the rest of the night until I go to bed . At weekends, we go walking,
play tennis, hike, swim, go for breakfast or
lunch, have take away food, watch films, visit family, do some
shopping, clean the house , do odd jobs .. we do lots of things and he is always with me when I am not with partner for the 24 hours.

He would literally exercise it all the time.

This what OP said: We go for an hour walk every single day ,
make dinner , eat together and then he sits beside me on the settee for the rest of the night until I go to bed . At weekends, we go walking,
play tennis, hike, swim, go for breakfast or
lunch, have take away food, watch films, visit family, do some
shopping, clean the house , do odd jobs .. we do lots of things and he is always with me when I am not with partner for the 24 hours
.
How do you cope with this? It seems like you don't get a moment alone unless you're asleep! That would drive me insane. What happens when you tell him you want to read alone in your room and does he still sit and watch TV programmes he's not into? Does he envisage an independent

Posters have been too hard on you. Ignore them.

Ok, well he needs help op. This isn't really just about the partner; it's a whole broader issue.

Good luck OP. I hope things can get better for you.

You are in an abusive relationship with your son. Women's Aid or any other domestic abuse organisation near you. Get in touch tomorrow. I actually feel quite scared for you OP. Nobody in authority is taking this seriously. Plus you're being scolded on here by guilt-tripping posters. Try the Relationships or Parents of Adult children threads.

This, or PEGS (the group that deal with child to parent abuse) might be able to offer some advice.

I think people treat teens like babies nowadays. He’s 16, not 6. I left home at 16. Spending one night a week with his sibling who is 23 years old won’t harm him. He has no right to control his mum’s love life.

You have posted in the wrong order of seriousness OP.

Staying overnight at your DP's once a week is the least of your problems regarding your son.

Times change, don't they.
Yes people left home earlier then. One of my own siblings did.
People married younger, left school younger, got full time jobs earlier.

But the past is another country, and kids exist in their own era.

ETA: just to repeat the thread moved on a lot after I posted, there seems to be a lot of very serious issues.

This. Sorry but to a child it feels this way. The other kids are adults; he isn’t. He will 100% feel like he’s not good enough.

It’s not about leaving a 16 year old overnight, is it.

Jesus Christ give this woman a break!!! He’s 16 not 6. Any normal 16 year old would be out with their mates and staying over, but nobody would bat an eyelid at that and call her a bad mother for letting him be with his friends. You’d probably berate her for not letting him if she didn’t!
He is almost an adult, I assume he wants to be treated like one at times too.
you aren’t away every night and you are still ensuring your kids are safe without you.
there is definitely a behavioural issue here that needs to be looked at. Blimey when I was 16 I couldn’t want for my mum to go out and give me some peace! And she’d spend whole weekends at raves.

OP - ignore all the miserable responses on here. You’ve solo parented for 8 years, 2 of your children are adults and one is almost there. You aren’t abandoning him, and you definitely are not just a mum. You are entitled to a social
life. I bet he wouldn’t put on a performance if you were going out with the girls.

This should have been in your OP.

This isn’t a regular teenager feeling left out because mum’s got a new bf.

This is a seriously damaged child who spends an unhealthy amount of time with his mum and you then spend every single weekend away from him.

He’s not acting spoilt - he’s literally being traumatised every time that you are away from him.

You can’t go from him sleeping in your bed, having to sit right next to you and needing you there all of the time - to spending every weekend away.

Every weekend is too much, especially if he is difficult with his siblings - they are not his parents.

You have a child with additional needs and unfortunately that means less freedom for you.

Don’t end things with your bf.
But you carrying on as you are are making things worse.

At the very least I’d do a hobby a couple of times a week outside of the home - so he’s not being replaced with a new man and he’s not worrying about you but you’re away from him.

You need to start going to your room alone and go there earlier to read.

These issues should have been sorted before you started the overnights.

If he wants to go uni, then that’s a great reason to encourage him to be more independent.

How is he with attending school?

Of course your other children find this easier than he does - they are older, they’re adults already.

I have an 18 yo who doesn’t go to her Dad’s (she could as he lives near by but doesn’t want to - my DS12 goes).

I still don’t leave her overnight once a week even though she’s a young adult because it seems lonely to me to leave her alone.

I do leave her occasionally eg if I’m away with the youngest or away on my own when he’s with their Dad, but regularly every week would almost seem like I didn’t fully live there.

He’ll be an adult soon enough- so maybe take things a bit slower with your boyfriend.

What are you talking about?? He could join the army at 16 so I'm pretty sure one night a week without mummy won't kill him - especially as 2 older siblings are there!

Of course he's fine to be left alone overnight at 16, unless he has SEND or disabilities which affect his ability to look after himself.
I'm concerned that you had a tirade of verbal abuse from him. That's worth looking at. Why does he think that is acceptable? Does anyone talk to him like that?
I'm also a single mum to teenage and adult children and it can be so hard. But you certainly should not be putting up with that - in fact, teaching him that it's not acceptable to behave like that is vital. What if he treats a future partner like that? Stay calm, no matter what, and tell him that it's not acceptable to talk to you like that. Hold that line.

I have never been taken seriously and neither has his behaviour, except for my
counsellor and school

Gently, of course you haven’t because you e called he’s been controlling since the age of 2.

At the age of 2 it wasn’t him with the issues - it was you.

You should have received more support with your MH as I’m assuming the family went through a very traumatic period and DS had somehow got the blame at 2yo.