My teenage son and his attitude to my relationship

Im struggling with forming an opinion on this one OP.

I do think leaving him very single weekend is too much and, as a child of a single parent myself, I would have hated it too. I definitely wasn’t controlling, my mum had a social life and worked some long hours, I was independent but it definitely would have made me a bit sad if she left me for 30 hours every single weekend to visit a boyfriend when I was 16.

Then you talk about his own lack of social life, the constant calls, the dependency on you. It does sound too much and overwhelming. He sounds like he lacks self esteem and potentially does have his dad controlling personality, I am sympathetic to you with that.

The comment about him controlling you since he was two did make me question your interpretation though because who says that about a two year old?

Oh, I also think you need to get your older kids to stop saying he is like his dad, especially if you are joining in or he knows you think the same. You are basically all telling him that he is the one common enemy of the household and has the same personality as the one mum no longer loves. It will fuck him up a bit.

I've only read the first page, but FWIW, I don't think you're being unreasonable.
16 is plenty old enough to understand and be happy for you.

Kids today are pandered to far too much and it's not healthy. He needs to start developing his own life, or you'll end up still living with him at 40.

A child having to move out of the family home at 16 is a sign of something gone wrong in my book. Unless it’s for a reason like pursuing a specific sport or career etc.

16 is still just a baby. He wants his mum around. He misses you. Don’t push him away

Some of these comments 🙄

OP, you are focused on the overnights away but the bigger issue here is your sons controlling behaviour in general. A secure, well-adjusted happy 16yo would be happy of the independence these overnights bring. Some teens would barely notice us gone! But he does...

You say he is like this over holidays, what you watch on TV, the food shop etc and has been awful to his siblings. All of this suggests deep unhappiness that presents itself in unpleasant, controlling ways.

I would park the overnights for now and concentrate on helping him launch a bit. He is very focused on you because his own life is so lacking. I would not be putting up with any manipulation though and cut through any attempts from him to do so. I would treat this as an important mission to try and set him on a new path towards young adulthood, rather than bending to his will and wants.

It isn’t good parenting to leave a 16y in charge of a 5y old like this regularly for weekends. Not for either child. Are you able to express yourself without calling posters names?

Exactly. It’s the opposite of aspirational and usually shows that something has gone wrong in that young person’s life.

36 hours every weekend is too much.
He’s not controlling your life, he’s expecting you to be a parent.
His neediness is clearly a direct result of the insecurity he feels from being dumped. No one’s saying a 16 year old can’t stay alone for a night, but leaving him every weekend is shit parenting.

I'm absolutely shocked at the replies on here. He's sixteen, almost an adult, he does not need his mum around all the time. Many of us here were living alone or having babies at that age. He is legally old enough to get married (with permission) or join the army.

Sounds to me like he just needs to get used to seeing his mum as a person and not a domestic appliance. Maybe every weekend is too much but he needs to learn that if you speak to someone like crap then they won't want to be around you.

This 16 year old sounds very troubled. Even if OP stops the overnights that's just a sticking plaster. I would be pushing back on his control and keep reiterating that he needs to seek counselling because his behaviour isn't normal.

The attitude of a woman has to forsake all of her individual wishes and desires because she is a mother is a deeply archaic and martyring one. So maybe challenge your anachronistic beliefs.

It doesn’t do any good to the children if a mother - or in general a parent - gives up their whole life’s and just lives for the children. Firstly it’s not healthy for the psyche of parents and children and secondly it also gives them no chance to emancipate themselves from their parents.

He’s probably got some abandonment issues from his dad’s lack of interest.
He is projecting those frustrations (and fears) onto you because he sees you looking to build your life elsewhere and waiting for him to be grown so you too can move on.

It’s not fair of him but he’s a kid with unresolved trauma. Could you afford to get him some therapy? He sounds like he needs it. 16 year old boys shouldn’t be scared of the world and wanting to cling to their mums.

Many people were not living alone, with or without babies. It’s quite clear 16 was statistically unlikely to live independently even a generation ago.

You guys are absolutely exaggerating. Clearly the son is troubled. Clearly he needs intensive therapy. And he would’ve needed it as a child. In two years he will be an adult. And can you imagine what happens if you let him loose on a romantic partner? Controlling, abusive, etc?

And OP should give up her life and any chance of luck for a kid that terrorizes her and his other siblings?

No. That kid needs psychiatric intervention.

As you’re the only parent he likely feels like he has lost you a bit, even though it sounds like you do an awful lot with him. My child is a year younger but I know at 16 I wouldn’t be able to do that just for the fact they are a very anxious child. It feels like control sometimes but I understand where it’s coming from.

I know you said you don’t want a man in your house but as he is coming over for dinner once a week could he not just stay as he’s already in your house.

You’re clearly his one safe place and in his head if he doesn’t have you he doesn’t have anyone.

it sounds very difficult for you both.

He shouldn’t be attempting to control you but you shouldn’t be leaving your sixteen year old overnight every week to see your lover. Your kids come first until they are adults. It’s also not your older kids responsibility to look after your 16 year old. Single parents need time to themselves but not like this.

She said that she was feeling emotional as she'd just received a load of abuse off him. I can understand why she made this comment.

and every single person in his life has told him how alike his dad and he are . His own siblings regularly tell him when he is shouting and cursing them. He is very aware

This is absolutely not ok!

The damage is likely already done but you need to be firm with every single person in his life that this is a vile thing to say to a child.

His behaviour is shocking but it does sound like he is constantly reminded of how much everyone hates him and perhaps there’s a part of him subconsciously playing up to the role.

Instead of ‘every single person telling him he is exactly like his dad’ and his ‘siblings regularly telling him’, maybe you guys should tell him he’s nothing like him and that he’s a better person than that.

I can’t imagine someone constantly throwing it in my face that I am exactly like the person that abandoned me and that everyone hates.
It’s such an awful thing to say to a child.

I think you should absolutely spend nights away and see your DP but it does feel a lot to be going away every weekend when you have a 16yo at home.
Even if it’s not the full 48 hours - it’s still the majority of the weekend.
It also means the older ones babysitting and creating tension.

Could you do it EOW and see him in the week instead?

His behaviour is not normal. There's something very wrong and he needs his mum and support.
You may feel that you're not away for him for long, but that's a huge chunk of his weekend. He likely feels pushed out and replaced.

Another one which supports the view that you should carry on with your partner. I also think you should start to do more independently of your son, even in the home. Take away the power gently - go food shopping without him and don't buy all the things he wants. Cook what you like and not him. When he sits on the sofa next to you, get up and go and get a drink and plonk yourself down somewhere else.

His behaviours sound unhealthy and, as others have said, he will be an adult very soon. It will become even harder then if he hasn't learnt that he is not your boss.

She is the parent and needs to do her job, and not leave it to siblings someone has to be the grown up

Exactly so did mine and I got a 2 and a half hour taxi to the airport myself and flew out to Germany on my own at 14 to visit my brother who was living out there.

Agree with this.

My 16/14 yr olds relished the freedom they got when I stayed overnight at my boyfriends.

I definitely wasn't a poor parent because I stayed at his regularly.

It shocks me that a good amount of parents on here can't find a balance between their children's needs and wants, and their own as an adult.

I hope you and your son can find a way forward around his controlling behaviour. Have the college signposted you to any useful services you/he could access?

He has controlled my life since the age of two.

No he hasn’t.

You have resented him since he was 2 (is that when his dad left) and taught his siblings to feel the same.

This one sentence sums his life up completely.

A 2yo cannot control your life (especially when you already have 2 other children and you don’t say the same about them).

All of your attitudes towards him are awful.
It sounds like he has been regularly bullied in his own home.

You need to look up the scapegoat child because this is what he is.

Do they all have the same dad?
If so, why have 3 DCs if he was so awful?

I feel for him. 16 is still a child and I think 16 is young to be alone every weekend. I imagine he's lonely.

You sound very wrapped up in "the love of your life" and it's painful for your remaining child that he isn't the priority.