To ask how you got over a close (or even best) friend ghosting you

I don’t know. Obviously that’s a summary of the situation and not all the ins and outs. There were a couple of weeks when I hadn’t heard from her, despite trying, and then she said she’d sent me an email. Except she hadn’t. She then seemed to realise she hadn’t sent it and then I got a long and rambling explanation of her thinking and rationale for ‘ending’ things. It was clear that she wasn’t very happy in her own life, more unhappy than I could ever have imagined or known (given the last time we’d met we’d had a great time, or so I thought). And then she blanked me. We’ve had the odd message over the years but it was like a bereavement at the time.

Just time.

It happened to me about five years ago
and I have absolutely no idea why a very close friend did this but I do know she has done this to others before me so maybe it is her problem rather than mine.

For the first few years I wracked my brains, ruminated, and worried but there is nothing at all I am aware of that I might have done to warrant such treatment.

Now I only think of her occasionally if something prompts me.

I still miss her and if I bumped into her I would be friendly if she could explain and apologise.

I would love very much to be able to convince you that in fact there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Whatever the problem she had- it was her problem. Her triggers, her wounds. But I assure you, when you find your real people then it’s just right. On a broader level, think it’s a shame reading some of these posts that nearly everyone thinks it’s them that must be the problem. But usually it’s far more complex than that. Radical acceptance and letting go is the best way to handle and move on. Even if deep down there is a sense that perhaps you were too much or too intense or too yourself. That’s exactly who you are and nothing should ever change that. The reason why these friendships end is because they are supposed to. The hard part is feeling powerless and not knowing why. How you decide to respond to it is your choice however. That’s in your control. It’s a shame when we open up and give so much of ourselves and then that’s trashed but that’s always the risk we take in any relationship. It doesn’t mean we are worth less. But giving up on friendships altogether and becoming bitter and cynical because one thing hasn’t worked out means we lose the chance to discover a long lasting one.

It happened to me, with two close friends at the same time. They didn’t know each other, so weren’t in cahoots about it. What led to it was me being diagnosed with what at the time seemed like a serious medical condition (though it transpired later not to be and I am fine). Neither friend ever contacted me again after I told them my bad news and how I was feeling ie gutted. What they did was so hurtful and in other circumstances I might have reached out to them, but I just couldn’t then and over 6 years on, I still haven’t and never will.

I was ghosted and excluded by a friend after a holiday together, it really impacted me quite badly for a few years.

I think for me the issue was not knowing what I had done, and this making me concerned that it was something I was still doing, something that eventually everyone I loved would come to be deeply annoyed by and then ghost me for too. It made me highly self-critical and anxious, mulling over my entire personality and circumstances - was I not rich enough? Too shrill? Annoying in some fundamental unchangeable way that everyone could see (and perhaps discussed behind my back)?

I have had friendships fizzle out or end for reasons I understand, and they have never impacted me in the same way as ghosting.

It made me feel very de-valued as well, to feel that whatever the thing was, I wasn’t worth enough for her to bother with the conflict/discussion required to move forward and remain friends.

Anyway, it really ruined a few years of my mental health.

What helped was that I left the “group” that she was in - the constantly being half included in group events, and excluded from things she organised, just meant the “wound” stayed open. So I dropped the rope and moved on. That really helped. Just like a romantic break up you do need to go cold turkey on the person, otherwise they’re on your mind a lot.

Then time and big life events of my own. And medication as well. I have ADHD and a bit of rejection sensitivity dysphoria, so ADHD meds help me grow a backbone and harness some of that “fuck em” energy that you do need.

Ultimately, it’s about feeling that there is no point grieving a relationship with someone that ghosted you - because they’re a sucky person anyway and isn’t it really a blessing that you found out earlier rather than later when you’d wasted more time and money on them?

And loving myself - knowing that I am actually rather wonderful and don’t need to determine my self worth based on other people’s opinions. I also got deep into stoicism.

Think of some of history’s amazing heroes. As long as you hold to your values, and respect yourself, other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter. Chasing validation for self worth is not a good long term strategy. You have to
validate yourself.

In that way, being ghosted was an important life lesson, because up until then I had been very socially successful, a lot of friends from all walks of life. But being “popular” in this way can be dangerous to your sense of self, because the validation is intoxicating and you can end up losing yourself in the pursuit of fitting in.

It’s hopefully made me a bit more discerning with friendships. I see friendships more as a vulnerability now, whereas before I was open to friendships with everyone, the more the merrier! Now I am more selective and realise that opening your heart to everyone isn’t always the best idea - just open your heart to people who make you feel safe and who you can be your absolute most comfortable self with. If you feel any red flags at all then keep those people at a (friendly polite) acquaintance level distance.

Op its hard. I try and have a few hobbies now. Feel Im more cautious now with making new friends. Im 50s. Ive been ghosted too. A fallout too but she had lots going on personally but I dont fully trust her..

I moved away from my home town and met a sightly older than me woman at work

We became friends and all was good for the first few years

Then I went through a rough patch with dp,got through it and found out she'd been treating my life and relationship as a juicy bit of gossip behind my back

I cooled it off a bit but would go for the odd coffee and looked after her dog (who dp and I adored) whenever she went on holiday-we saved her hundreds of pounds on kennel fees/food etc

Sadly the dog died and I've been ghosted-i guess I'm no use to her anymore

She does have form for this (to be honest,I've been waiting for my turn) and everyone else she's done this to has ended up running around town,asking everyone why she's done it to them (it gives her a lot of satisfaction when she hears about this)

She's going to be waiting a long time for me to start running around trying to find out why I've been ghosted-i don't really care

She was a friend for a season,not for life