To ask how you got over a close (or even best) friend ghosting you

I moved away from my home town and met a sightly older than me woman at work

We became friends and all was good for the first few years

Then I went through a rough patch with dp,got through it and found out she'd been treating my life and relationship as a juicy bit of gossip behind my back

I cooled it off a bit but would go for the odd coffee and looked after her dog (who dp and I adored) whenever she went on holiday-we saved her hundreds of pounds on kennel fees/food etc

Sadly the dog died and I've been ghosted-i guess I'm no use to her anymore

She does have form for this (to be honest,I've been waiting for my turn) and everyone else she's done this to has ended up running around town,asking everyone why she's done it to them (it gives her a lot of satisfaction when she hears about this)

She's going to be waiting a long time for me to start running around trying to find out why I've been ghosted-i don't really care

She was a friend for a season,not for life

Op its hard. I try and have a few hobbies now. Feel Im more cautious now with making new friends. Im 50s. Ive been ghosted too. A fallout too but she had lots going on personally but I dont fully trust her..

I was ghosted and excluded by a friend after a holiday together, it really impacted me quite badly for a few years.

I think for me the issue was not knowing what I had done, and this making me concerned that it was something I was still doing, something that eventually everyone I loved would come to be deeply annoyed by and then ghost me for too. It made me highly self-critical and anxious, mulling over my entire personality and circumstances - was I not rich enough? Too shrill? Annoying in some fundamental unchangeable way that everyone could see (and perhaps discussed behind my back)?

I have had friendships fizzle out or end for reasons I understand, and they have never impacted me in the same way as ghosting.

It made me feel very de-valued as well, to feel that whatever the thing was, I wasn’t worth enough for her to bother with the conflict/discussion required to move forward and remain friends.

Anyway, it really ruined a few years of my mental health.

What helped was that I left the “group” that she was in - the constantly being half included in group events, and excluded from things she organised, just meant the “wound” stayed open. So I dropped the rope and moved on. That really helped. Just like a romantic break up you do need to go cold turkey on the person, otherwise they’re on your mind a lot.

Then time and big life events of my own. And medication as well. I have ADHD and a bit of rejection sensitivity dysphoria, so ADHD meds help me grow a backbone and harness some of that “fuck em” energy that you do need.

Ultimately, it’s about feeling that there is no point grieving a relationship with someone that ghosted you - because they’re a sucky person anyway and isn’t it really a blessing that you found out earlier rather than later when you’d wasted more time and money on them?

And loving myself - knowing that I am actually rather wonderful and don’t need to determine my self worth based on other people’s opinions. I also got deep into stoicism.

Think of some of history’s amazing heroes. As long as you hold to your values, and respect yourself, other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter. Chasing validation for self worth is not a good long term strategy. You have to
validate yourself.

In that way, being ghosted was an important life lesson, because up until then I had been very socially successful, a lot of friends from all walks of life. But being “popular” in this way can be dangerous to your sense of self, because the validation is intoxicating and you can end up losing yourself in the pursuit of fitting in.

It’s hopefully made me a bit more discerning with friendships. I see friendships more as a vulnerability now, whereas before I was open to friendships with everyone, the more the merrier! Now I am more selective and realise that opening your heart to everyone isn’t always the best idea - just open your heart to people who make you feel safe and who you can be your absolute most comfortable self with. If you feel any red flags at all then keep those people at a (friendly polite) acquaintance level distance.

It happened to me, with two close friends at the same time. They didn’t know each other, so weren’t in cahoots about it. What led to it was me being diagnosed with what at the time seemed like a serious medical condition (though it transpired later not to be and I am fine). Neither friend ever contacted me again after I told them my bad news and how I was feeling ie gutted. What they did was so hurtful and in other circumstances I might have reached out to them, but I just couldn’t then and over 6 years on, I still haven’t and never will.

I would love very much to be able to convince you that in fact there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Whatever the problem she had- it was her problem. Her triggers, her wounds. But I assure you, when you find your real people then it’s just right. On a broader level, think it’s a shame reading some of these posts that nearly everyone thinks it’s them that must be the problem. But usually it’s far more complex than that. Radical acceptance and letting go is the best way to handle and move on. Even if deep down there is a sense that perhaps you were too much or too intense or too yourself. That’s exactly who you are and nothing should ever change that. The reason why these friendships end is because they are supposed to. The hard part is feeling powerless and not knowing why. How you decide to respond to it is your choice however. That’s in your control. It’s a shame when we open up and give so much of ourselves and then that’s trashed but that’s always the risk we take in any relationship. It doesn’t mean we are worth less. But giving up on friendships altogether and becoming bitter and cynical because one thing hasn’t worked out means we lose the chance to discover a long lasting one.

Just time.

It happened to me about five years ago
and I have absolutely no idea why a very close friend did this but I do know she has done this to others before me so maybe it is her problem rather than mine.

For the first few years I wracked my brains, ruminated, and worried but there is nothing at all I am aware of that I might have done to warrant such treatment.

Now I only think of her occasionally if something prompts me.

I still miss her and if I bumped into her I would be friendly if she could explain and apologise.

I don’t know. Obviously that’s a summary of the situation and not all the ins and outs. There were a couple of weeks when I hadn’t heard from her, despite trying, and then she said she’d sent me an email. Except she hadn’t. She then seemed to realise she hadn’t sent it and then I got a long and rambling explanation of her thinking and rationale for ‘ending’ things. It was clear that she wasn’t very happy in her own life, more unhappy than I could ever have imagined or known (given the last time we’d met we’d had a great time, or so I thought). And then she blanked me. We’ve had the odd message over the years but it was like a bereavement at the time.

I have had it happen with 3 friends but 1 hit harder than the other. I was mid 20s and myself and another friend from our group were living in another part of the country. A few week prior she said she didn't want to be friends with the other friend and wanted me to tell her, I refused and told her to talk about it with her. Then she she did the same to me with other friend and I found out when I said I need to call her for a catch up. I was heartbroken but looking back being her friend was hardwork and from our mutual friend it still can be. Our lives took vastly different directions and I could fondly catch up with her but would never want to be friends again.
The other 2 had mental health issues and dealt with life by pushing away. My mental health was starting to take a hit and there isn't a certain relief that they ghosted me.

Happening to me now - it’s really hurtful 😔

Isn’t it far more likely the first friendship ended because of her MH problems of which you were seemingly unaware than because she harboured some kind of disabling jealousy of your life?

I got quietly dumped by a group of friends I considered really close (met up regularly from late pregnancy until kids were about 10, went camping together etc). They all just stopped replying, or started making excuses whenever I suggested meeting. And eventually I gave up trying and thought the whole group had fallen apart. Only to see photos on FB of the other 3 at one's 50th birthday party, which I knew nothing about until that moment.

No idea what I did wrong, we never argued or had any falling out. Still hurts a bit but I've focussed on other friendships and my family.

Been dumped like this once, and have dumped someone like this once.

Ghosted by a long term friend who couldn’t cope with my success. We were always such hard workers at school, wanted to escape our roots and she resented it when she perceived I’d made it. I wouldn’t have actually said I’d done much more than her, save move away, but she was obviously uncomfortable. I extended an olive branch and still invited her to our wedding. Didn’t come and that was the end. I’ve since found out she has had her mental health troubles, but I don’t think that’s a reason/excuse really. I see the odd thing on FB and would always want her to be happy and do well, but it was tantamount to a break up and was hard to recover from for a while. It was almost embarrassing to think I’d been binned off! There’s an irony as she met her now DH through me. Would literally never have had the life she has now if it weren’t for someone I knew bringing a friend along from overseas one day.

Second situation - her child abused mine. That was the end. There was no coming back.

I've been there and it hurts like hell. She felt like my twin. I got sick of stuff not being reciprocated and at times it almost felt like an unrequited crush - waiting for her to message me etc. ridiculous but she held the power and did it to me a couple of times over a few years. The last time, I called her out on it and we never recovered. I cried a lot. But I don't cry over anyone twice so won't ever give her the chance to do that to me again.

It hurts like the end of any relationship but female friendship break ups dont really get talked about.

My old best friend never contacts me and i gave up years ago trying to arrange to see her as she always had an.excuse,.,she seems very jeolous of my life which is mad as on.paper.she has the lovely life and i.dont,...i can.only assume she isnt happy, the last time i saw her was.2 years ago at xmas and we went out for a meal.i organised and she said look at my new expensive car and after 1.5 hours at 9.30 she wanted to.go.home,..i know i.wont.see her again its weird

A friend ghosted me, but simultaneously ghosted almost every one of her friends. I think it was her DH's doing. Twenty five years ago now. But I do still miss her as she was my bestie for several years.

I happened to me 23 years ago. I got dumped by my two closest friends. Three’s a crowd and all that. They went on to have amazing lives. I have Stage 4 cancer and my entire family are dead. One of them messaged me on Facebook on behalf of her mother when she heard I had cancer. I gave her my number as her mum wanted to get in touch with me. Her mum and I are in regular contact now but I’ve blocked my ex friend on Facebook.

That's horrific.

ETA that I mean what she did to you is horrific. I'm sorry.

Try and focus on feeling relieved and ‘free’ from a friendship with someone who secretly stopped liking, respecting, and valuing you. Try and take control, remove all trace of them from your life and get out there and make new friends. There must’ve been some signs before the ghosting? (Although I know occasionally there isn’t), like not putting as much effort into the friendship, letting you down etc, and that must’ve made you feel rubbish, so try and feel grateful you don’t have to deal with that horrible feeling anymore. I ghosted one of my closest friends before she could ghost me and it’s made me feel so much happier and freer. I realised I’d started making all the effort eg. It was always me asking to meet up, she never came to where I lived, I always had to go to her. I started to realise I wasn’t as important to her as she was to me and that really hurt. The only way to get rid of that hurt was to remove her from my life, there was no point in talking to her about it, she wasn’t going to change, and why should I be the one to bring it up when I hadn’t done anything wrong? The nail in the coffin came when I found out she’d invited all our mutual friends to her engagement party but hadn’t invited me. I blocked her on everything and never looked back. I feel much happier now than I did with a rubbish friend in my life

I got over it quite quickly because I realised it hadn’t been right for ages and both of them had been actively unpleasant to me for a while. I also realised I had been censoring myself, walking on eggshells for a while because just about everything I said or did seemed to piss them off. That’s not a real friendship, the minute I feel I’m not truly being myself with someone now, I back away.

It was situational for her, 100%. I fucking loved her.

Grieve and then put anything that reminds you of her in the skip. Those skip trips were soothing 😂

Yeah. It was someone I really liked. I was always happy after spending time with her. We met through kids and were friends for about 10 years. I thought she was a great friend but when my husband was seriously ill with cancer she wasn't very interested or there for me. At the same time a woman who I knew well but didn't trust or like, someone I thought of as a gossip and social climber, befriended her. Their friendship got very intense very quickly. The other woman, who was my neighbour, made a point of telling me what great friends they now were and always made sure I knew about the things they were doing together that I wasn't invited to, and even the WhatsApp secondary groups.i wasn't in. I kept quiet and thought my friend would see through her eventually. But she didn't. She ditched me..didn't want to do anything with me. I did try quite a few times. It wasn't a total ghost it was one where she'd say oh yes let's meet up but never had any intentions of doing so. I gave up eventually. It's 10 years ago now. They are still great mates.so the problem was definitely me! I am ok about it now. It did hurt for a long time but im now alright. I have got friends again and I like me and I accept me and being drama free is nice.

You could still get in touch now and tell her.

This is happening to me now - it was unexpected though I suppose it was half expected we would know the reason and it might be so upsetting ! I hadn't heard the term fake ghosting before but now I realise that's what it is. It was a close friendship of over 18 years but now all I get are occasional fake coffee invites - which I reply to with a wide range of possible days/times then nothing back just radio silence. This has happened several times over the last year. We met for a reason though and the season has ended, I thought I might see less of her - but not go down to zero so quickly. I don't know what the answer is really as it knocks your confidence and makes you see the whole 'friendship' in a different way and it impacts on your memories.

As someone else said, it’s like a bereavement. The grieving, sadness, frustration, confusion and anger. But different in that you never know why you’ve been ghosted. The only thing that’s helped is the passage of time and creating and maintaining other relationships. I could never bring myself to ghost anyone unless it was because I was at serious risk of being harmed, or that person had done something so heinous that I wouldn’t want anything to do with them.

So I have actually been the ghoster in a situation like this. Basically, always felt like she saw me as a secondary character in her life. In the last year of our friendship I remember travelling 3 hours to visit her only to have her talk about herself and her life all night. When I tried to talk about something it was quickly moved on from.

It culminated one Christmas when we (mainly me) tried to arrange a get together and the one time she said she was available was the time I had something on that was not movable in anyway. She didn't reply to my message saying I couldn't do it, then randomly deleted me from all social media platforms. In that moment I decided I could not be bothered with her shit anymore. She seemed to give me the silent treatment for a few weeks (typical for her) then text me as if nothing happened and I just never replied as I simply didn't care anymore.